Carnage part 1


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Thread: Carnage part 1

  1. #1

    Carnage part 1

    A young man named Jack wayne suddenly awakens from his sleep, in the middle of his master bedroom on his large luxurious bed. He glances his eyes around until they lock onto several peaceful paintings of nature on the redwood walls, he shifts his slender proportion out from under the bedsheets. When suddenly, he feels a huge gash on the left side of his head, which is covered in stitches--and they ignite a sudden burst of pain within him.

    He flees to the left side of the room in his red pajamas into the bathroom a few feet away, but when he turns on the bathroom's lights he discovers blood splattered all across the walls, he reacts in shear terror. However the mysterious looking shower curtains keeps him drawn in, he immediately wants to know what dark secrets may be lying there right behind it.

    So he advances closer and closer, with an increasing heart rate. He reaches out his hand and snatches the curtain to the side, where he finds a naked woman dead on the porcelain floor. Jack Wayne yelps from the horror and rushes to get out of this mess, but when he comes out of the bathroom and reaches for the bedroom’s exit door, which is right next to it on the right, he bumps into his butler.

    His butler is a tall hispanic looking man, who is sharply dressed in his black and white uniform attire. His black taylor suit jacket sits firmly atop his white dress shirt and bowtie along with his black dress pants. His thick black curls are neatly combed towards the back of his head.

    “Good morning master Jack Wayne.” He politely says.

    “Peso! I have a huge problem, there’s been a murder, and as we speak a dead woman is lying in my bathroom,”

    “A dead woman sir? Show me.” The both of them bolt into the bathroom, but when they arrive it is all clean and innocent of any blood--the dead woman has vanished also. Jack Wayne studies his bathroom in shock while Peso gives him a puzzled look,

    “Are you feeling alright, sir?” Peso asks. Wayne feels confused and runs his fingers through his short black hair, but then he notices that the gash from earlier is no longer there, and no trace is left of the scar on his head.

    Later on that day, Wayne gets informed that an old friend of his, a Lord Benson, is helping the town’s people investigate a series of disappearances. And that he wants to come over and have a word with Jack Wayne. So Wayne decides to get dressed for the occasion, and he puts on his favorite royal blue and yellow garments.

    Wayne steps out of his room and onto the wooden platform that is connected to both stairs on either side, they both lead downstairs which eventually leads to the front door. The left wall has really tall windows exposing the trees outside, it is now evening. The right wall is full of expensive paintings that the people from the older generations of the Wayne manor, who are related to Jack Wayne, have been collecting for some time.

    When Wayne stops to stare at a few of them, he notices that one of the paintings contain the face of the dead woman, which he saw earlier in his bathroom. When he takes a closer look--the eyes of the painting move to look at him, he quickly gets freaked out by it, but then he just as quickly gets interjected by a voice coming from downstairs.

    “Lord Benson has arrived to see you, sir.” Peso is now standing at the doorway next to a large man in a tan suit. His brownish hair matches his manly, frizzy beard. When Wayne gets closer to him, he extends out his large palm for a greeting,

    “Good day Jack Wayne, it has been far too long! How are you doing?”

    “I am well, and it is nice to see you!” Wayne replies, Peso then offers to take them over to the sitting room and brings them tea, he leaves behind a tray full of lemons also, and a knife to cut them. Wayne decides to play a jingle for Lord Benson on the piano, he plays the first song he sees on the music book.

    The music notes crawl out of the piano like spiders, and they scurry along on the floor and *climb up on the walls. The sound is now residing in every room of the mansion. But now Wayne is feeling an uncontrollable, violent urge within him--a sudden burst of lust to kill is pumping it’s adrenaline through his veins.

    *Benson puts his hand on top of Wayne’s to stop the music,

    “I’m afraid I have an urgent matter to discuss with you, and it cannot wait any longer.” He says. So they move over to the chairs, where Wayne sits on the one next to the tray with the teas and lemons, across from Benson. Benson is shifting uncomfortably in his chair to search through his luggage. Then he pulls out a set of photographs and hangs on to them very tightly.

    “Ok, so there’s been some unusual disappearances happening in the village lately, and people are talking about it involving the occult.” He says.

    “Why do they believe that?” Wayne asks.

    “Well, the word is that when someone gets kidnapped, they probably end up being sacrificed or any number of other things. Involving that nature of dealings. We have dealt with demonic things in the past before, and this case has the same rotten smell all over it.” Benson replies.

    The people of this town believe that the occult is responsible for the kidnappings, and that certain demons feed on human souls to make themselves live longer. This method apparently keeps them young and rejuvenating for as long as they continue feeding on other’s soul every so often.

    Then Lord Benson continues, but this time with a very uncomfortable look on his face.

    “Wayne, this is where things may get a little grisly. You see, apparently, a lot of those people--were seen being with you. On their last day.”

    “Excuse me, are you implying something here?” Wayne asks angrily. “That is just a mere coincidence!” He exclaims. Lord Benson almost blushes at Wayne’s statement,

    “Well I’ve been going over some of these photographs, during some of our old ventures in the past. From almost twenty years ago, and you look like you haven’t aged a single day.”

    “Are we attacking my good looks now?” Wayne asks with a devilish charm. Then Benson leans over on his chair, to get his face closer to Wayne’s.

    “Listen to me very closely you little pest. When I have all the evidence that I need against you, oh and believe me I will! We’re going to burn you alive on a steak--just like the rest of those demons!” He says with a fiery coal in his throat. That final statement causes Wayne to feel the same burning rage he felt from earlier, within him in a flash.

    When Benson turns around to put his photographs back in his suit case, Wayne’s furious anger causes him to grab the knife, and stab Benson through his back left shoulder.

    “What the hell do you think you are doing?” Benson painfully asks. He quickly turns around to punch Wayne in the face, knocking him down on his back.

    “You’re a damned snake!” He yells out. Wayne is starting to convulse, even foaming at the mouth. The music notes that he played earlier contains a secretly encoded melody, and when it is played, it frees up a demon named Legion, that is locked up within Wayne himself.

    “What is the meaning of this?” Benson asks. Wayne’s skin color is changing to a dark grey, his eyes have turned pitch black, and his teeth are now razor sharp. When he rises, his new height is almost towering above that of Benson, and his physical features have all expanded nearly three times in size.

    Benson is now backing up against the wall, and is shaking with terror. Wayne uses his sharp claws and stabs him through his heart. He then sucks out his soul for nourishment.

    To be continued...

    Sent from my RCT6303W87M7 using Tapatalk

  2. #2
    I am currently trying to edit my book and found what helps me is if I read out aloud each sentence. as if I am reading a story to someone else. I then try judge how they sound. if they don't sound just right I will change it till it does.
    I tried doing this with your work and found the words didn't flow for me. the story itself is interesting.
    I am far from been called a writer, but I wanted to tell you what worked for me.
    One thing I have found on this forum is that there are many here who will be willing to give their help and advice towards helping you improve.

  3. #3
    You're explaining this to the reader, not presenting it as a story, as readers, publishers, and professional writers view that act. That may seem like a small distinction, but it's critical. Since you're alone on stage, with no slides or other visuals, all you have going for you to show the emotion the story is what you place in your voice and in your visual performance. But your reader can neither see not hear you, so all they have is the words of an external observer talking about the story.

    Will they learn the details of what happens in the scene? Yes. Do they care? No more than when reading any other report or historical account presented as: "This happened...then that happened...and you need to know that...". When you read it's real. But your voice contains the necessary emotion. The one the reader "hears" does not. When you read, it's clear because you know who the people are and what their goals are. The reader has only what the words suggest to them. And that's based on their background, not your intent. Look at a few lines as a reader will see them:
    A young man named Jack wayne suddenly awakens from his sleep, in the middle of his master bedroom on his large luxurious bed.
    Does the term, "young man" nail down the person's age to within ten years for the reader? No. A fifteen year old boy is addressed as "young man," And in some societies he is thought of as all but adult. But someone twenty-five is also a "young" man. Does your reader know how you're using the term? No. Your intent dribbles from the words at the keyboard.

    You say "suddenly waken from his sleep." When we wake it's always suddenly. So what purpose does the word "suddenly" serve? You didn't tell the reader what woke him, so it's assumed that he simply woke. And, can he wake from someone else's sleep? No. And, when you wake, unless it's mentioned otherwise it's assumed it's from sleep. So what purpose does "his sleep"" serve?

    Does it matter where in the bed he sleeps? We can't see him, so that's a meaningless visual detail. And given that we don't know anything about where we are or what's going on, talking about where he sleeps really doesn't set the scene. My point is that you need to look at every word and trim the unnecessary ones, because they slow the read, which makes the story drag. Fewer words = more punch.
    He glances his eyes around until they lock onto several peaceful paintings of nature on the redwood walls, he shifts his slender proportion out from under the bedsheets.
    1. He glances his eyes around? What else can he look with?
    2. His eyes "lock?" You literally told the reader that he can no longer move his eyes. But that's not what you mean.
    3. What good does it do a reader to know that he's looking at pictures if they don't know why, what he sees, or what about them keeps him looking. You're talking about things you can see as you visualize the action. But the reader can't see what you visualize, and doesn't know why it matters to the character. So why would they care? You next tell the reader that he doesn't feel pain till he discovers the gash, which is nonsense. If you hurt, you know about it when you wake. But more than that, if someone sews up a wound they treat it and bandage it.

    So in short, your story is out of control. You're not having him live it, as a thinking person who is reacting to what happens, you're inventing detail as you go for the convenience of the plot. Thinks happen because you want them to, be it reasonable or not. And that can't work.

    Not good news, I know. But it is something you have to face if you want readers to be entertained by your story—and being entertained is the reason we turn to fiction. More than that we want to be entertained by being made to live the story as we read it. And that takes special writing skills that were not even mentioned during our school days.

    Yes, we learned to write in school. Yes, grammar, spelling, and composition skills are universal to all writing disciplines. But what is not universal is writing technique. Writing fiction is a unique skill, with its own set of tricks and techniques, just as is writing for stage or screen, and journalism. Our medium imposes limitations we must be aware of if we're to write for it. You don't leave school expecting to have the necessary skills to fly a passenger jet or work as an accountant. Why believe that we leave knowing how to write a novel?

    And that's my point: all hopeful writers must, like bricklayers, pilots, chefs, and other professionals, learn, practice, and perfect the craft of their field. It might be nice if we could pick up the tricks of the trade by reading fiction, but we don't even notice most of them. As the great Sol Stein observed, "“Readers don’t notice point-of-view errors. They simply sense that the writing is bad.”

    Want proof? Do you know, without looking, what's different about the first paragraph of each chapter in fully half the novels you've read. Damn few people do, and it's something we've seen again and again. And if we miss something so obvious, how much that's not obvious are we missing?

    So keep at it, but at the same time, put some time aside to acquire the basics of writing fiction for the printed word. The library's fiction writing section can be a great place to begin. They have the viewpoints of all kinds of writing professionals.

    Hang in there, and keep on writing.

  4. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by rickyknight1 View Post
    A young man named Jack wayne suddenly awakens from his sleep, in the middle of his master bedroom on his large luxurious bed. He glances his eyes around until they lock onto several peaceful paintings of nature on the redwood walls, he shifts his slender proportion out from under the bedsheets. When suddenly, he feels a huge gash on the left side of his head, which is covered in stitches--and they ignite a sudden burst of pain within him.
    Crying out the young man woke from a deep slumber the sweat-dampened sheets tangled around his body. Frightened eyes dart around the master bedroom seeking what had roused him. But as his eyes flicker over the peaceful paintings of nature on the redwood walls his breathing slows. There's nothing there. It was all in his dreams. His head is pounding. Reaching up Jack flinches as his hand encounters the stitches cutting a jagged swath from his left ear and up.

    Quote Originally Posted by rickyknight1 View Post
    He flees to the left side of the room in his red pajamas into the bathroom a few feet away, but when he turns on the bathroom's lights he discovers blood splattered all across the walls, he reacts in shear terror. However the mysterious looking shower curtains keeps him drawn in, he immediately wants to know what dark secrets may be lying there right behind it.
    With a grunt of pain, he heaved himself from his luxurious bed. His dressing gown - the guy is rich? a little more fashion than pajamas - is a pool of black velvet a few feet away. Brows furrowing for he couldn't remember just dropping it on the ground, he bent to pick it up. Leaning over though proved a mistake as a wave of dizziness crashed through him. Saliva filled his mouth as the urge to throw up hit him. Snatching up the velveteen gown, struggling his arms into the sleeves, he hurried to the bathroom.



    My versions could be tightened up. However, your story needs work. You are looking at the character from an outside perspective and in doing so you are making him more like an automaton than an actual human being.

    Think about the last time you woke from a nightmare. How did you feel? How did you react?

    Think about how you'd feel if you encountered blood all over your bathroom. How would you feel? How would you react? You mention and/or indicate a blood-splattered bathroom and then race through his reaction like he happened to forget not turning off his clock's alarm.

    He doesn't have the stitches now? Okay. If you are going for a Jekyll and Hyde idea with this demon you got to make it more realistic. For example, he has those stitches but can't remember how and his butler is essentially useless for explaining why saying he turned up that way.

    The disappearing woman and blood don't work. A better reaction would be the body is still there and the butler is a little indifferent, e.g. saying he'll deal with this mess. Treat it like this isn't the first time the butler has encountered something while Wayne can't remember what happened yesterday. Give him some real paranoia.


    The rest goes from there.

  5. #5
    Quote Originally Posted by Jay Greenstein View Post
    You're explaining this to the reader, not presenting it as a story, as readers, publishers, and professional writers view that act. That may seem like a small distinction, but it's critical. Since you're alone on stage, with no slides or other visuals, all you have going for you to show the emotion the story is what you place in your voice and in your visual performance. But your reader can neither see not hear you, so all they have is the words of an external observer talking about the story.

    Will they learn the details of what happens in the scene? Yes. Do they care? No more than when reading any other report or historical account presented as: "This happened...then that happened...and you need to know that...". When you read it's real. But your voice contains the necessary emotion. The one the reader "hears" does not. When you read, it's clear because you know who the people are and what their goals are. The reader has only what the words suggest to them. And that's based on their background, not your intent. Look at a few lines as a reader will see themoes the term, "young man" nail down the person's age to within ten years for the reader? No. A fifteen year old boy is addressed as "young man," And in some societies he is thought of as all but adult. But someone twenty-five is also a "young" man. Does your reader know how you're using the term? No. Your intent dribbles from the words at the keyboard.

    You say "suddenly waken from his sleep." When we wake it's always suddenly. So what purpose does the word "suddenly" serve? You didn't tell the reader what woke him, so it's assumed that he simply woke. And, can he wake from someone else's sleep? No. And, when you wake, unless it's mentioned otherwise it's assumed it's from sleep. So what purpose does "his sleep"" serve?

    Does it matter where in the bed he sleeps? We can't see him, so that's a meaningless visual detail. And given that we don't know anything about where we are or what's going on, talking about where he sleeps really doesn't set the scene. My point is that you need to look at every word and trim the unnecessary ones, because they slow the read, which makes the story drag. Fewer words = more punch.1. He glances his eyes around? What else can he look with?
    2. His eyes "lock?" You literally told the reader that he can no longer move his eyes. But that's not what you mean.
    3. What good does it do a reader to know that he's looking at pictures if they don't know why, what he sees, or what about them keeps him looking. You're talking about things you can see as you visualize the action. But the reader can't see what you visualize, and doesn't know why it matters to the character. So why would they care? You next tell the reader that he doesn't feel pain till he discovers the gash, which is nonsense. If you hurt, you know about it when you wake. But more than that, if someone sews up a wound they treat it and bandage it.

    So in short, your story is out of control. You're not having him live it, as a thinking person who is reacting to what happens, you're inventing detail as you go for the convenience of the plot. Thinks happen because you want them to, be it reasonable or not. And that can't work.

    Not good news, I know. But it is something you have to face if you want readers to be entertained by your story—and being entertained is the reason we turn to fiction. More than that we want to be entertained by being made to live the story as we read it. And that takes special writing skills that were not even mentioned during our school days.

    Yes, we learned to write in school. Yes, grammar, spelling, and composition skills are universal to all writing disciplines. But what is not universal is writing technique. Writing fiction is a unique skill, with its own set of tricks and techniques, just as is writing for stage or screen, and journalism. Our medium imposes limitations we must be aware of if we're to write for it. You don't leave school expecting to have the necessary skills to fly a passenger jet or work as an accountant. Why believe that we leave knowing how to write a novel?

    And that's my point: all hopeful writers must, like bricklayers, pilots, chefs, and other professionals, learn, practice, and perfect the craft of their field. It might be nice if we could pick up the tricks of the trade by reading fiction, but we don't even notice most of them. As the great Sol Stein observed, "“Readers don’t notice point-of-view errors. They simply sense that the writing is bad.”

    Want proof? Do you know, without looking, what's different about the first paragraph of each chapter in fully half the novels you've read. Damn few people do, and it's something we've seen again and again. And if we miss something so obvious, how much that's not obvious are we missing?

    So keep at it, but at the same time, put some time aside to acquire the basics of writing fiction for the printed word. The library's fiction writing section can be a great place to begin. They have the viewpoints of all kinds of writing professionals.

    Hang in there, and keep on writing.
    hey man just out of curiosity, what is the difference with each of the first paragraphs of a chapter, in a novel?

    Sent from my RCT6303W87M7 using Tapatalk

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