Guest Advisor. (WARNING -- RELIGIOUS THEMES)


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Thread: Guest Advisor. (WARNING -- RELIGIOUS THEMES)

  1. #1

    Guest Advisor. (WARNING -- RELIGIOUS THEMES)

    Guest Advisor



    The Morris Family

    3,869 Reviews

    The Abbey Hotel, Paignton, Devon.

    “More of a Nightmare than Freddy Krueger!”

    Within moments of the Morris family arriving I knew they would be trouble. Mrs Morris is without doubt the most awful, vile, and meddlesome bitch I have ever met. She complained about everything; the breakfast, the beds, the showers, and the carpet! Apparently it was too thin and was ‘wreaking havoc’ on her bunions. The final straw came on their second night when she came to the reception desk in her dressing gown with her hair in curlers and demanded that she and her family be moved immediately because she claimed they were staying next door to a homosexual couple. She pulled out her Bible and started quoting all sorts about abominations and sin and eternal damnation in lakes of fire. I wouldn’t mind, but the couple next door were not even gay! They were a pair of old Army mates who booked a twin room to save some cash. Despite many attempts at reassurance, Mrs Morris would not be told. She said that the wickedness from the neighbouring room was seeping through the walls and giving her children nightmares…

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    The Cavendish Hotel, Clacton on Sea.

    “Carlsberg don’t make religious nutcases, but if they did…”

    The Morris family are a documentary in the making. They are a cross between the Adams Family and the Westboro Baptist Church. Mrs Morris in particular was particularly crazy! She told my housekeeper who is seven months pregnant that her ‘bastard child’ will be earmarked for Hell unless she admits her ‘disgusting sins’ and repents to the Lord immediately. I felt sorry for the kids. They are like robots. Yes mother, no mother, praise the Lord for all his generosity mother. Mr Morris is what can only be described as a wet blanket that has been left out in the rain. He walks with his head down and barely says a word. He blinks continuously as if he knows tomorrow is the end of the world and is trying to cram in as much blinking as possible. It’s definitely a nervous twitch, and who could blame him, living with that horrible cow. On the fourth night, the receptionist heard her screaming from the top of her voice and what she described as a ‘whipping’ sound…

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    The Heritage Park Hotel, London.

    “And on the Seventh day, God realised he had made Mrs Morris and killed himself.”

    WARNING! If the Morris family ever walk through your door I strongly advise that you turn them around immediately. They booked into our hotel for three nights, telling us that they were in London to see a couple of shows and to do some sightseeing. Mrs Morris insisted that they have a room on our East side which was no problem because its not the most popular view. Our South side is the most popular because it faces onto Regent’s Park where as the East side looks out onto a number of buildings including an offshore gas drilling company, a chartered accountancy firm, and an abortion clinic. Within twelve hours of the Morris’s checking in we were visited by the police who believed that someone in our hotel was shooting at people with a high powered paintball gun. The police searched the entire hotel, paying particular attention to the East side and when they entered the Morris’s room they found Mr and Mrs Morris…

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    The King of Kings Hotel, Ludlow.

    “Ask and you Shall Receive!’

    The Morris family are one of our favourite customers so it was a great pleasure to see them return. Our staff welcomed the impromptu rendition of ‘Jerusalem,’ by Mrs Morris on the Sunday morning. The whole family oozes what my husband refers to as Holy Ghost Gusto! Mrs Morris did not mind him saying that so that was fine. The boys are very polite indeed. Mr Morris is loving and kind and never seeks to say anything unkind about anyone or anything for that matter. A real joy to be around! Unlike my husband, but that’s a different story completely. Prior to leaving, Mrs Morris insisted on cleaning her room and then insisted on coming upstairs to my home and cleaning it for me. My husband didn’t know if he was coming or going! He seemed very wary of her, especially when she tried to clean under his bed. I would recommend them to anyone as they are true Christians and servants of the Lord. I just wish my husband behaved like Mr Morris did. I have tried flagellation but…

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    The Kings Hotel, Brighton.

    “Jesus would have turned in his three day grave!”

    The Morris family stayed with us for a weekend (thankfully no longer). I am not sure why but they said they were there to attend a local beauty pageant which I found odd as their own kids were too old for that kind of thing, and not wanting to sound cruel but were not what I would call beauty pageant material. We are used to having all sorts in our hotel so I did not pay them too much attention. I have seen many families like them in my thirty-seven years as a hotelier. However, on the Sunday, just before they were about to leave, Mrs Morris walked in through the front door with the words ‘evil c*nt’ spray painted on her white blouse. Behind her was Mr Morris and the kids. I asked him what had happened, but he didn’t say a word. I got the impression that he needed permission to speak, and had not been granted it. Mrs Morris muttered something about the price one has to pay for doing the Lord’s work…

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  2. #2
    I was a couple in before I realised they were different hotels rather than sequential from the same. I didn't find it particularly funny; by the way:-
    Mrs Morris in particular was particularly crazy!
    That is 'particular' overkill. Other than that I didn't notice anything, the writing seems competent,
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