exit was never attainable


Results 1 to 6 of 6

Thread: exit was never attainable

  1. #1

    exit was never attainable

    carry me on softly,
    but don't touch my kid gloves.
    there are so many more fragile.

    sorting through
    the monotony of discovery;
    the dichotomy of mystery.

    forgo the forlorn,
    we are listless.

    inescapable dominance
    insofar we turn your demeanor,
    but the me i am is not the you i wish to be.
    Last edited by Galivanting; August 28th, 2016 at 07:48 AM.

  2. #2
    I've read this a few times now and still I can't decide if it works for me or not....but there is something there...cool
    The only one who can heal you is you.




  3. #3
    WF Veteran SilverMoon's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Location
    Long Island, NY
    Posts
    2,719
    Blog Entries
    1
    There's a tender sentiment here though I think a little bit of revising would benefit.

    Addressing first and last line. Maybe eliminate "on"

    The last line has real potential. Though I'm at a loss for a suggestion right now. Overall, a great tone is going on.
    “The man who cannot visualize a horse galloping on a tomato is an idiot.”
    Andre Breton

  4. #4
    I liked your first stanza but I felt the second needs some cleaning up in terms of repetition. Also, I feel that the third needs to be revised to make it fit the form. It stands out to me. Finally, I felt your last line was a bit muddled and unclear.

    Just my two cents! Keep on writing!

  5. #5
    SilverMoon is right. You have a great tone going on in this poem. I really like the first two lines. They create a great visual of fragility and contrast with the dominance mentioned in the third stanza. This connects well to the last line of the poem. All of this together implies to me, that this individual feels fragile, but wants to be more like this other dominant person in their life. Of course I could be totally missing the mark on that.

    I’m going to offer some suggestions you may find helpful, but if you find them useless that’s okay.

    Keep in mind the importance of punctuation in poetry. The last line of the first stanza ends with a period but it isn’t a complete sentence. This leaves me wondering ‘what more is fragile?’

    In the second stanza you mention dichotomy of mystery. A dichotomy is usually a contrast. In this instance, the semi-colon leads me to believe you are contrasting mystery and discovery? If that is your meaning, you may try something like this:

    Sorting through
    the dichotomy of mystery
    and the monotony of discovery.

    This is also an opportunity to highlight the contrast between these two personalities if that was your intent.

    As danielstj pointed out, the third stanza doesn’t follow form. This is also the introduction of an undefined ‘we’. Is this poem meant to represent three people: the fragile ‘me’, the person carrying ‘me’, and the dominant ‘you’ in the thirds stanza? Or is ‘we’ a general reference to mankind?

    As readers we don't have the full understanding of your context for the poem. Some aspects will need a little more clarity before this can be truly appreciated.

    I really enjoyed the read. If you decide to revise this, I would love to read your next draft.

  6. #6
    Member shedpog329's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2011
    Location
    Connecticut...US
    Posts
    1,242
    Blog Entries
    1
    "sorting through
    the monotony of discovery;
    the dichotomy of mystery."

    I cant get over this part right here, its really brilliant.

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  
This website uses cookies
We use cookies to store session information to facilitate remembering your login information, to allow you to save website preferences, to personalise content and ads, to provide social media features and to analyse our traffic. We also share information about your use of our site with our social media, advertising and analytics partners.