Lost hope - Chapter 1 (750 words)

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Thread: Lost hope - Chapter 1 (750 words)

  1. #1
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    Succes

    With calculated precision two metal pads attached themselves to a patch of organic tissue among a lump of metal mixed with meat of life-form 123-B. Before detachment, the Core Mk. IV performed the last functionality checks.

    Online systems functional? Check...

    Vitalbody systems operational? Check...

    Connection ready? Check...

    Experiment 213.5 – Final stage, ready for execution...

    The Core checked the last connection of the pads to the tissue, then withdrew the arms from the lump. An armored-glass cubicle erected around the subject as the arms retracted. Experiment 213.5 Execution in 3...2...1...

    An electrical shock rushed through the subject and the organic tissue twitched once, then laid still. Another electrical current pulsed through the body. The body twitched again, more violent than before.The Core registered a throbbing sound that distinctively increased in strength over a short period of time.

    Initiation...Succes...

    Stabilisation in progress...

    Another metal arm popped from the ceiling above experiment 213.5. The firstsuccesful start up of the muscular tissue known as the heart. Itfiled away the settings and configurations of the attempt for laterreproduction. The beat of the heart was steady and regular. None ofthe hearts had done so before, it promised well for future attempts.Artificial pumps, started artificially inserting oxygen into thelungs of test subject 213.5. The Core left the mixed body where itwas, the succes filed away and no longer interesting for the timebeing. Camera's, microphones and other evaluating devices would warnwhen changes occured inside or outside the test subject.

    The Core turned its attention to the Southern body. The main body of its offensive forces were attacking one of the bigger cities of Life-form 186-C. The life-forms were particularly stubborn and ... Its main processors were triggered by warnings of the laboratories. Testsubject 213.5. The heart beat regular, though its pace had increased up to ninety beats per minute. Temperature of the body raised and muscles of the subject started twitching, the limbs of the body whipping back and forth. The body fluttered for a good measure of time, while the Core Mk. IV meticulously tracked all changes with measuring instruments. It noted that the metal parts twitched and shook as much as the organical parts of the lump. Another issue on the battle-front alerted the Core, asking for his attention. It ignored the alert and kept watch attentively.


    The twitching of the arms, legs and body stopped. The eyelid of the organic eye twitched, the ball underneath rolling violently in its socket. The eyelid slowed, then finally stopped. Heart rate regular, body temperature still rising, the Core shifted its attention to the battlefront. Communication with his front units had dropped. No communication had come in what happened. It started processing the last camera images of the units. Every machine in his command were equipped with camera's and microphones. Another component of the Core was dedicated to battle-tactic analysis and counter-measure production. The images showed the battle proceeding according to plan, then the screens went white. No image existed on any of the footage before the units ceased to communicate.


    The one eye of test subject winked open. A clear, pristine eye stared into the camera, the diffused layer gone. Processors that reviewed the footage of the lost units aborted their tasks as the Core focused his attention on the test subject once again. The eye blinked again, moved from one side of the camera to the other, every movement the pupils of the test subject dilated more. The oxygen machine gave off warning signals as the body used more oxygen than expected. The lungs bulged deeper, faster. Muscles in the upper part of the subjects body bulged as the subject send electrical signals to the move.

    The body shocked as the it send signals to all of it's limbs,wildy flailing arms and legs around and on the table. The dry, translucent red lips parted, the red lump of meat moved around.

    "Grhrgrgrhhrll... Grhrgrgrhhrll.."

    After a time, the arms moved less violent and stopped moving. A drop of liquid rolled from from the inner part of the eyelids down to the metal parts of the head. Oxygen usage dropped. The mouth and contents kept moving. The mouth kept twitching as time continued, till the heart rate slowly dropped. Despite the Core's efforts to warm up the body, the temperature of the body dropped and the oxygen usage dwindled to a minimum. For the first time in 213 of these experiments, Mark IV had managed to bring a non-functional heart, back to life.

    _________

    It's the introduction chapter to my story for the first cyborg in my world.
    I've tried to keep the "MC" which is an AI component out of the story as it's AI and not a human with emotion.

    Any kind of feedback is greatly appreciated.
    Last edited by Ultraroel; August 26th, 2016 at 06:25 PM.

  2. #2
    Do you have an issue with toast crumbs getting under the space bar Seriously, you have missed quite a few.

    In some ways this is background rather than essential plot line, and as such is a bit wordy in places; for example,

    Camera's, microphones and other evaluating devices would warnwhen changes occured inside or outside the test subject.

    could easily be

    Camera's, microphones and other devices kept watch.

    After all what else would they be watching for but change? Less is more, you don't need to spell everything out.

    Llook, this is mostly deletion,

    The twitching stopped; the eyelid of the organic eye twitched, the ball underneath rolling violently. The eyelid slowed, then stopped. Heart rate regular, body temperature still rising, the Core shifted its attention to the battlefront.
    PEOPLE WANT TO GET INTO THE STORY, SO DO YOU, YOU SEEM TOHAVE ADOPTED A SORTOF SHORTHAND
    Communication with his front units had dropped. No communication had come in what happened.
    cOMMUNICATION WITH THE FORWARD UNITS WAS LOST WITHOUT EXPLANATION
    It started processing the last images of FROM the units.

    Every machine in his command were equipped with camera's and microphones. Another component of the Core was dedicated to battle-tactic analysis and counter-measure production.
    NOT REALLY NEEDED, BUT, 'EVERY MACHINE' SINGULAR, 'WERE' PLURAL, SO 'ALL MACHINES WERE', OR 'EVERY MACHINE WAS'
    The images showed the battle proceeding according to plan, then the screens went white.

    No image existed on any of the footage before the units ceased to communicate.
    I DON'T THINK YOU MEAN THAT, BUT 'NO IMAGE SHOWED WHY THE UNITS CEASED TO COMMUNICATE' ?

    There are a number of minor issues of a similar nature to that last one, my experience is that if I read my work aloud they jump out at me as I try to read them, give it a go. My main issue though would be that people want introductory material kept to a minimum, they are there for ther main event, which holds some promise, let's get there!

    Keep writing, good luck.
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  3. #3
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    Thank you for the response Olly!
    Most of it is clear and definitely solid as I notice I put it down and then have troubles reformulating it. Making it even more of a mess than it was

    A few questions on what you mean exactly :

    "PEOPLE WANT TO GET INTO THE STORY, SO DO YOU, YOU SEEM TOHAVE ADOPTED A SORTOF SHORTHAND"
    What do you mean with a shorthand ?

    Would you mind looking at a revision ?

  4. #4
    What do you mean with a shorthand ?
    TBH I am not sure, I must have had some reason. Probably because this, '...body temperature still rising, the Core shifted its attention...' could be read as the Core's temperature rising as you have not specified otherwise. The repetition of 'the' is a bit awkward, 'The twitching stopped; the eyelid of the organic eye twitched, the ball underneath rolling violently. The eyelid slowed,', I was glad you didn't continue 'The heart rate; the body temperature'

    More seriously,to tell us the twitching stopped, and then that it is still going is a bit of a contradiction, try something like this ;
    The twitching stopped; then started again as the eyelid of the organic eye twitched and the ball beneath rolled violently, before slowing and steadying.

    On the other hand there is this sentence,
    No communication had come in what happened.
    That certainly felt like something is missing, like,
    No communication had come in as to what had happened.
    No communication had come in about what happened.
    No communication had come in regarding what happened.
    That is just the sort of thing the eye goes over, but jumps out when you read aloud
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  5. #5
    I Love ones like This, where they start out in a random part of the book so the readers Must Build up the Clues To Know What is Going on. Overall i think it was a great Read.

  6. #6
    You're thinking cinematically, and describing what's happening in the scene you're visualizing. So that image generated the words, yes. But the reader will use what the words mean to them, based on their background and knowledge. So, knowing nothing about where we are, what's going on, or whose skin I'm supposed to be wearing, will the words give me a visualization even remotely like the one that inspired the words? Look at the opening as a reader will:
    With calculated precision two metal pads attached themselves to a patch of organic tissue among a lump of metal mixed with meat of life-form 123-B.
    What in the pluperfect hells is "a patch of organic tissue among a lump of metal mixed with meat of life-form 123-B? You know. The beings in the story know. But the reader? Not a clue.

    And you cannot say that if the reader continues they will understand, as more information is introduced, because reader's won't. Confuse or bore a reader for a single line while they're deciding if they want to read the story or seek one they like better and they leave, right then. You might have fascinating characters living an amazing story, but the reader will never know them because they are volunteers, not conscripts, and we must make them want to keep turning pages by entertaining them on each page. As the amazing Sol Stein observed, “A novel is like a car—it won’t go anywhere until you turn on the engine. The “engine” of both fiction and nonfiction is the point at which the reader makes the decision not to put the book down. The engine should start in the first three pages, the closer to the top of page one the better.”

    Dig into the tricks of the fiction writing trade a bit to see what the pros take for granted and publishers expect. It's well worth the time.

  7. #7
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    Jay, thank you.

    I started writing in December 2015, so I bet I have a lot to learn and probably will keep learning as long as I'm writing.
    I'm trying to write as much as I possible can and try to adapt to most of the information that I read and try to implement this.
    Its hard as a lot of people provide contradicting information and opinions.

    Seeing as you pointed this out, what would be the best exercise to change this way of explaining it? Unfortunately I'm not a native speaker and I hardly have anyone around me that feels comfortable to provide me feedback.
    Someone pointed me at an amateur website, but its so skewed to one type of genre that I do not fit in with what I'm writing.

    Are there exercises other than the ones that Olly pointed out (reading out loud) that will help me judge how a fresh reader will write it?

    Somehow my pieces don't seem interesting enough to receive a lot of feedback from people on other websites (I don't mean you guys, but getting things looked at by people you don't know is quite hard if you are not in a group of writers etc.) So I need to find a way to judge the quality of my own work. But as I'm merely new, I find it very hard to do so.


    So both Jay and Olly said this is not an interesting start? Is it the narrative that makes it uninteresting or is it the scene itself that make it uninteresting? I myself thought it would be intriguing and interesting to see how it works out in the future.


    Olly, thanks for the explanation. I realize and did not realize (hope you get it) that the repetition of the word 'The' makes a jarring start and disrupts the flow of reading.
    I actually tried a revision of the part, but maybe it's still too fresh in my mind.

    Some small pointers whether I repeat my mistakes or whether it's addressed would be greatly appreciated. I find it hard to judge this myself.
    Again: All of you, thanks for taking the time to help a noobie like me

    ______________

    Metal arms reached out to the sides of the reconstructed body of Experiment 213. Two metal pads stuck to the side of the organic tissue and two connected to the mechanical side of the chest. An Intubation tube was shoved down the throat of the test subject.

    The Core Mk. IV double checked the functionality of the mechanical parts.

    Online systems functional? Check...

    Vital body systems operational? Check...

    Connection ready? Check...

    Experiment 213.5 – Final stage, ready for execution...

    It retracted the metal arms and lowered the measuring instruments that monitored the vital functions of the hybrid-body.

    Experiment 213.5 – Execution in 3...2...1...

    The Core jolted electrical shocks through the metal pads into test subject 213. The body twitched, limps flailed, then laid still. Another electrical shock and the body twiched more violent than before. The instruments registered a pulsing sound that increased distinctively in strength. The Core initiated intubation, forced oxygen into lungs that had been idle for weeks.

    Initiation... Success

    Stabilisation in progress...

    The first successful start-up of the muscle known as the "heart," the Core saved the configuration of the start-up process for later reproduction. The heart beat regular and steady, the experiment exceeded calculated expectations. The succes filed away, the Core switched its attention to the battlefield in sector 24,15. Camera's, microphones and other devices kept watch on the test subject.

    The culling in sector 24,15 was proceeding according to plan, but Life-form 186.C had shown to be stubborn and creative. A troublesome combination that forced the Core to spend a significant amount of effort into actively commanding his armies. The life-form was a threat to the existence of balance, the culling was according to protocol, but it had proven to be demanding. The main processor triggered warnings, the monitoring devices registered significant changes in the functionality of the reconstructed body. The Core tore its attention from the battlefield.

    The heartbeat of the body increased, temperature rose and the oxygen usage rose. Both mechanical as organical limbs of the body flailed to the sides, its chest shook as muscles contracted. Twitches pulsed through the body. Alarm signals of the battelfield required its attention, the Core ignored the requests and continued to monitor the performance of the reconstruction. The eyelid fluttered; the organic ball underneath rolled violently, before slowing and steadying. The seizures stopped as soon as the eye ball steadied. Leaving the instruments to monitor the body, the Core refocused on Sector 24,15.

    The warning signals indicated communication with 46% of his front units had dropped simulataneously. The Core processed the last footage from the units. The culling had progressed according to plan, but an attack of unknown nature had disabled the microphones and cameras. Blind and without specific orders, the units switched to stand-by. Shortly after, communication ceased.

    The organic eye of the test subject winked open. A clear, prisine eye stared into the camera. The layer of diffusion that clouded the eye gone. Processors that reviewed the footage of the lost units put tasks on hold as as the Core focused his attention on the test subject again. The eye blinked, than darted from side to side. Heart beat increased and oxygen usage increased to levels the Core had not registered before as the test subject drew breath deeper than intubation allowed.

    "Grhrgrgrhhrll... Grhrgrgrhhrll.."

    The limbs of the reconstructed body moved up, the organic arm tugging at the intubation tube. A drop of liquid rolled from from the inner part of the eyelids down to the metal parts of the head. It took a while before the oxygen usage dropped. The test subject released the intubation tube with a final tug. Despite the Core's efforts to warm up the body, the temperature of the body diminished and finally, the heart stopped it's regular beat. For the first time in 213 of these experiments, Mark IV had managed to bring a non-functional heart, back to life.
    Last edited by Ultraroel; August 30th, 2016 at 06:35 PM.

  8. #8
    Its hard as a lot of people provide contradicting information and opinions.
    That rings very true; look at the comment from Hello Writing, what is not for one appeals to another.
    Things like starting successive sentences with 'The', putting 'and' before every item in a list, or starting successive sentences 'She said...', 'She went...', 'She came..' etc. are usually things that people do without realising. On the other hand every so often you come across someone who has done it deliberately for a particular effect, there is a passage of Hemingway where he uses 'and' repeatedly in a list, and it works giving a certain desperate feel to it. In other words there are rules, but if you realise you are using a run on sentence or a comma splice, it's fine to break them.
    Visit my website to read and connect to my 'soundcloud', where you can listen to stories songs and more
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  9. #9
    Someone pointed me at an amateur website, but…
    Here's the thing: This is a great site, far better then most, and it's really useful in many ways. But an online writers site isn't the place to learn how to write because while the advice given is heartfelt, and sincerely offered, you haven't the knowledge to tell the on-target from the sincerely believed but inaccurate offerings. And when you're missing information, things that sound logical but aren't appear to have more weight than they should. After all, who best knows how to write for publication? Me, someone whose work you won't find in your local bookstore, or a publisher...or agent...or teacher...or a writer whose work you admire?

    So stay here, talk, discuss, and spend time with people like yourself. That goes without saying. But at the same time. if you hope to be thought serious about your writing, does it not make sense to spend time and a few coins to acquire a professional bag of tricks—your writer's education? Knowledge is, after all, a useful working substitute for genius. And your local library's fiction writing section may have exactly what you need.

    My articles on writing were intended to provide an overview of the issues, like why a strong character viewpoint matters so much and why we want the reader to mirror the protagonist. But in the end, I always point the hopeful writer to the pros. They may not always be right, or have advice that works for you, but at least we know it worked for them.

    I'm not allowed to link to my articles in the body of a post, but I can link to a really great condensation of one way of providing a strong POV, and I strongly suggest you chew on it for a time, till it makes sense, then pick a modern action story that made you feel as if you were living it as you read, and see how that author used the technique.

  10. #10
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    The problem is that I'm not native, so the style and such does not come as easy as it might for someone else.
    I live in Bulgaria, where there is not much about writing in English.

    I'm more and more considering writing in Dutch, though I don't really enjoy it that much.
    I would like to say that I've tried to keep this piece dry. Its written from an AI perspective, it hardly has feeling and to keep the POV realistic, I did not add anything extra than the absolute necessary parts that an AI would notice. I'll chew and chew and keep trying to improve for now

    Ignorant as I am, I did post another part that I wrote in this forum.
    Its from the same WIP, but written from a human perspective, I think its quite different and I hope you guys might take the time to read this too, to see how the previous advice applies to this.
    Last edited by Ultraroel; September 1st, 2016 at 11:49 AM.

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