Morning Of The Fauns (very short)

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  1. #1
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    Morning Of The Fauns (very short)

    Morning Of The Fauns

    by

    DATo


    I woke up and stumbled to the kitchen to get the coffee brewing and directly in front of the place where the coffeemaker sits on my counter is a large window which looks out over the back of my property which is naturally wooded. It was a little before dawn - that dimly lit, misty and magical time of the day when the world is also waking from its slumbers. In the distance, not more than 50 feet from the window, was a small dip on the side of a hill facing away from my view. Above the line of the dip I saw something moving. It was ears twitching back and forth just over the crest of the hill. As I watched a tiny faun stood up on tottering legs. Its lightly tanned coloration was dappled with white dots along its back and its enormous grey ears which had protruded over the top of the hill were now fully erect and focused on distant sounds. And then, unbelievably, another pair of ears poked up from the depression and soon another faun of the same age and description was standing beside his brother. Their mother was nowhere in sight though I was certain she was near. I had to resist the temptation to go out on my deck to view them from a closer perspective. I was afraid I would frighten them so I stayed inside and continued to watch them for awhile.


    Their mother was probably the culprit who had been eating my hosta plants. I recall how angry I was when I saw the mangled leaves, but she has paid for her dinner by sharing the beauty her foals with me. I choose to believe that it was more than coincidence. I choose to believe that she was honoring me by placing the foals to rest within five feet of the abused hosta patch on my property for me to see as if to say, "Thank you."

  2. #2
    What a great start to the day, I think it is good when the woodpeckers turn up with their chick.

    I woke up and stumbled to the kitchen to get the coffee brewing and directly in front of the place where the coffeemaker sits on my counter is a large window which looks out over the back of my property which is naturally wooded.
    Awkward and unpunctuated. Initially I would separate the waking, stumbling in, need for coffee part from the window,
    'Half awake and in need of coffee I stumbled across to the coffeemaker to get it brewing. Looking up from the counter I looked out of the large kitchen window...

    Slight problem with the next bit, 'which' twice is the clue.
    Which looks out over the back of my, naturally wooded, property
    Or
    Which looks out over the naturally wooded back of my property.

    Is it the whole property that is wooded, or just the back ?
    It was a little before dawn - that dimly lit, misty and magical time of the day when the world is also waking from its slumbers.
    Nothing wrong with this, just to say that time of light before dawn is called 'Prime', a favourite word with me, see my 'just a word' thread, I would have worked it in...
    It was prime - that dimly lit, misty and magical time of the day, a little before dawn, when the world is also waking from its slumbers.

    In the distance, not more than 50 feet from the window,
    The two seem contradictory, fifty feet is quite close in my book.

    Above the line of the dip I saw something moving. It was ears twitching back and forth just over the crest of the hill.
    There is a definite connection here, and the short sentences don't do anything as they might in a action scene for example, may I suggest,
    Above the line of the dip I saw something moving; ears were twitching back and forth just over the crest of the hill.

    And then, unbelievably, another pair of ears poked up
    Beginning sentences with 'and' is much more common now, but it still disturbs old fogeys like me, and it is not needed, starting it with 'Then' would give more immediacy and surprise.

    Hope this helps, and thank you for sharing those moments, it must have been truly magical!


    Edit, next to last line, why do fauns become foals, and fauns are mythical creatures like Mr Tumnus, you mean fawns.
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  3. #3
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    Good morning Olly!

    Your criticism is exactly on point. I agree with all of the issues you raise. The only excuse I have to offer is that I was quite excited by the events described when I wrote this piece and wanted to get it down before I lost the inspiration - (as my brother always says, "A poor excuse is better than none."). I was aware that the 50 feet and in the distance could indeed be interpreted as contradictory terms. Why I did not correct this at the time I noticed it is a mystery to me. I suppose I was just caught up in the moment.

    The use of the word foals was meant to suggest, those to which she had given birth, as opposed to, young animals of the corvine species; but, once again, your point is well taken. There may be a proper word for the offspring of deer. "Foals" does seem to strongly and specifically suggest recently born horses now that I think of it.

    Thank you for taking the time to respond and for your much needed, appropriate, and well-appreciated input. I have saved your post and will certainly employ the included recommendations when I rewrite this piece later.

    PS: I am fascinated by the meaning you attribute in your post to the word "prime". I did not know that .... I like it!

  4. #4
    I was quite excited by the events described when I wrote this piece and wanted to get it down before I lost the inspiration
    Very understandable, we had a deer jump into the path eight feet in front of us in the woods, turn, look at us , and leap off again. Those moments are magical, and best by far to get them written straight away, you can edit and get them right later.
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  5. #5
    Hello DAto.
    Lovely images. Mechanics...hmmm...

    "...was a small dip..." - JAT: Barring explosives and/or the bulldozer, landforms are typically permanent. There is a chance here to use two tenses: one mentioning a constant, the other telling what happened at a particular time or moment.

    Also... The description of the dip 'facing away' seems vague. Not sure how I would say it but I think it needs something clearer. Jmo, but those types of word 'puzzles' are part of what I enjoy in writing. When I say puzzle I mean the figuring out of how to say things.

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    Excellent advice Kevin - thank you. As I mentioned to Olly I was pretty much awed by what I had seen especially, perhaps, because I was still not totally awake. It was almost surrealistic. I pretty much just wrote it down the way I would describe it if I were speaking to you. It probably would have been better to not even use the word "dip" but to have just said, "just visible over the crest of a hill", or something like that.

    Thanks again for your response and advice!

  7. #7
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    Much as I agree with the critiques of Olly and Kevin regarding your punctuation and descriptions, I really enjoyed your story about the fawns and can fully understand that you had to put down what you saw when you saw it.

    Thank you for telling us about it - it must have been almost magical to see.
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  8. #8
    As an aspiring writer, I found these comments most helpful. After all, I am guilty of many of the same errors.

    This is a new 'chore' for me ... reading other peoples' stories. I guess I have the 10-post rule to thank for that

    Let my learning begin!

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