how does the moon revolve

[jenthepen]

he reminded me of a tree
feet rooted in the soil
gaze straining to the distant hills
that strained towards the sky.

she lived inside the house
inside her head
travelled instead in a chariot
made from dreams.

sometimes he brought her gifts
a bundle of beans
a strawberry on a plate
she would wait alone in her head
as she gazed at the dead summer fire.

at times like this she could pull herself
back to the front
confront his world
eat his offerings knowing that
his mind was on lower things.

trapped in the vortex of their worlds
in a mutual gravitational pull
proving gravity wins every time
over give and take.

after the funeral
she dragged her chair
into the garden with the weeds
sitting alone and sipping her tea
crosswords abandoned on her knee.

she hasn’t much to say these days
her eyes gaze outwards now and yet
i notice that her chair is set
back towards the house.

the question is
how does the moon revolve
after the world is gone.

[Firemajic]

You tell such a fragile, complex love story... and I would love it if this were a Novel with many, many pages...It is what is not said, that for me, is so intriguing and beautiful... The imagery is stunning and complements to mood you created... "She" is so mysterious, and I want so bad to know more... I wonder.. and I will always wonder "why"... and "What if"... This is haunting and unforgettable... jen... sublime.. [ okk, I might have cried..]

[LeeC]

I'm not keen on poetry that's dogmatic cleverness, believing that if one has something interesting to say the focus ought to be on making it memorable. Here you've done just that with your allegorical word painting, and the poetic structure highlights the effect. Might I add that the Delphic ending is pure genius, instilling your poem in the mind.

Sorry I don't have anything constructive to add. To my mind it ain't broke, so I'm loath to mess with it

[jenthepen]

You tell such a fragile, complex love story... and I would love it if this were a Novel with many, many pages...It is what is not said, that for me, is so intriguing and beautiful... The imagery is stunning and complements to mood you created... "She" is so mysterious, and I want so bad to know more... I wonder.. and I will always wonder "why"... and "What if"... This is haunting and unforgettable... jen... sublime.. [ okk, I might have cried..]

Thanks, Jul. I love the way you get right inside my poems every time. You are understanding these characters so well I think you can write the novel for yourself. Maybe, though, the mystery of their connection is what makes their situation so intriguing?

I'm not keen on poetry that's dogmatic cleverness, believing that if one has something interesting to say the focus ought to be on making it memorable. Here you've done just that with your allegorical word painting, and the poetic structure highlights the effect. Might I add that the Delphic ending is pure genius, instilling your poem in the mind.

Sorry I don't have anything constructive to add. To my mind it ain't broke, so I'm loath to mess with it

Thanks, Lee. You contributed more than you know! It was your poem, Human Change, together with my recent reading of the poetry of Roger McGough, that led me to try to write a poem this way for myself. I have to say, it was a very different experience to the usual rhyme and meter challenges of conventional poetry and I enjoyed it a lot. It feels more like a piece directly from my subconscious than many of my poems. Reading it in the cold light of day, I could see the places where it is clunky and awkward and I did change it a little but somehow, mangling the meaning into different words seemed to destroy more than it corrected.

I will definitely be writing this way again, especially when I'm trying to express deep thoughts or emotions. Like you say, 'the focus ought to be on making it memorable.'

Thanks for making me believe this poem works.

jen

[Firemajic]

Like a top notch storyteller, you created a sense of mystery and intrigue... so many complex emotions I am trying to unravel...

[Scrivener123]

I don't have anything constructive to add. I read the poem twice and really enjoyed it. I don't really know the rules of poetry. I counted the syllables in each line, I looked for rhyming schemes, and all of the other things I had become accustomed too. I found what worked best was to listen to the sound and rhythm of your words. It was wonderful. Keep writing.

[aj47]

Typo in "traveling" unless that's a UK spelling. I think it would benefit from some punctuation if you're going to put periods at the ends of the stanzas. Also, I'm not liking two versions of strain in adjacent lines.

Now that the housekeeping is out of the way ...

I love the way you express the ending, especially, but the food imagery is also deft.

[Sonata]

I found myself drawn into this poem and I would like to see it extended to see how "she" coped.

Typo in "traveling" unless that's a UK spelling.

The double 'l' in travelling and travelled is the British spelling as against the single 'l' in US spelling.

[jenthepen]

I don't have anything constructive to add. I read the poem twice and really enjoyed it. I don't really know the rules of poetry. I counted the syllables in each line, I looked for rhyming schemes, and all of the other things I had become accustomed too. I found what worked best was to listen to the sound and rhythm of your words. It was wonderful. Keep writing.

Thank you Scrivener! It's probably just me but I think free poetry is the hardest to read and the most difficult to understand. I'm flattered that you took the time and trouble to work with my poem. You seem to have found its key and that makes it so worthwhile for me.

Typo in "traveling" unless that's a UK spelling. I think it would benefit from some punctuation if you're going to put periods at the ends of the stanzas. Also, I'm not liking two versions of strain in adjacent lines.

Now that the housekeeping is out of the way ...

I love the way you express the ending, especially, but the food imagery is also deft.

Thanks, Annie. I know this type of poetry is not your favourite so I'm really pleased that you found some merit in it.

As Sonata has pointed out, the double L is a British thing. We love double l's and double s's at the end of words - oh, and tend to slip in a u next to almost every o we write. You are right about the punctuation. I like the freedom of interpretation that no punctuation gives so I will remove the periods. I agonised over the double use of 'strain' but couldn't come up with anything that expressed the feeling of unachievable longing, so well. Words like 'reach' or 'stretch' didn't do it but if there are any suggestions, I'd be happy to hear them. Thanks for the help
and advice, it's appreciated.

I found myself drawn into this poem and I would like to see it extended to see how "she" coped.


The double 'l' in travelling and travelled is the British spelling as against the single 'l' in US spelling.

Thanks, Sonata, I'm glad this worked for you. I agree with you, a story based on this poem would be interesting - I've already challenged Firemajic to come up with something.

[Gumby]

I like this style and you've really done it well, jen. Loved this, truly. Excellent.