A War


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Thread: A War

  1. May 15th, 2016, 05:48 AM #1
    BobtailCon
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    A War

    Fighting a war never so hard fought.
    Singing a song never so heart-sought.
    Burning in the desert of a country with a ‘stan,
    because the government can’t find another man.

    And the plague of death
    Only grows stronger.
    As we hold our breaths,
    Time grows longer
    In the hubs of Afghanistan.

    And the people
    Hold a pierced light,
    Separated by a want of freedom
    And a lack to fight.

    And we walk dusted streets
    Where the bombs hide underground.
    Where our voices cried out,
    The explosions drowned
    All sound.

    Never to rest in peace.
    Never to rest at all.
    Never watching war cease.
    Never hearing my son’s call.

    Forever stuck in a war never fought.
    And a song
    I never sought.
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  2. May 15th, 2016, 12:47 PM #2
    Firemajic
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    3rd stanza... fabulous! 4th stanza, nice imagery and I love the first line of that stanza.."And we walk dusted streets"... Nice work, verrrry nice, and a pleasure to read.. Thank you for sharing..
    She lost herself in the trees,
    among the ever-changing leaves.
    She wept beneath the wild sky
    as stars told stories of ancient times.
    The flowers grew toward her light,
    the river called her name at night.
    She could not live an ordinary life,
    with the mysteries of the universe
    hidden in her eyes....
    Author: Christy Ann Martine

    Death leaves a heartache no one can heal,
    love leaves a memory no one can steal....
    Author unknown.
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  3. May 15th, 2016, 08:59 PM #3
    BobtailCon
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    Quote Originally Posted by Firemajic View Post
    3rd stanza... fabulous! 4th stanza, nice imagery and I love the first line of that stanza.."And we walk dusted streets"... Nice work, verrrry nice, and a pleasure to read.. Thank you for sharing..
    I hope this poem was better than my last! Haha.
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  4. May 15th, 2016, 09:06 PM #4
    Firemajic
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    HEEEY NOOOW!!! You are never gonna forgive me for my critique...lol... I only said what I said, because you can handle it... I love this one, Bobtail... fabulous work!
    She lost herself in the trees,
    among the ever-changing leaves.
    She wept beneath the wild sky
    as stars told stories of ancient times.
    The flowers grew toward her light,
    the river called her name at night.
    She could not live an ordinary life,
    with the mysteries of the universe
    hidden in her eyes....
    Author: Christy Ann Martine

    Death leaves a heartache no one can heal,
    love leaves a memory no one can steal....
    Author unknown.
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  5. May 16th, 2016, 05:53 AM #5
    Randy_Mordoc
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    This was beautiful.

    I love how they rhymed.
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  6. May 17th, 2016, 02:38 AM #6
    BobtailCon
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    Quote Originally Posted by Firemajic View Post
    HEEEY NOOOW!!! You are never gonna forgive me for my critique...lol... I only said what I said, because you can handle it... I love this one, Bobtail... fabulous work!
    Bah, I'd rather you be honest! I'm glad you liked this one.
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  7. May 17th, 2016, 02:39 AM #7
    BobtailCon
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    Quote Originally Posted by Randy_Mordoc View Post
    This was beautiful.

    I love how they rhymed.
    Thanks!
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  8. May 17th, 2016, 05:50 AM #8
    Jay Greenstein
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    For what it's worth, I see what you're trying to say, and appreciate it, but as I see it, there are prosody issues.

    You might want to look at your stressed syllables in the first stanza. Below is how it hit me as I read. It might be that I see it very different from what you intended, but the problem is that our intent doesn't make it to the page.


    Fighting a war never so hard fought. Trochaic, four feet.
    Singing a song never so heart-sought. Trochaic, four feet.
    Burning in the desert of a country with a ‘stan, Trochaic, five feet. The first section feels a bit stretched, but that might be just me. The extra foot, though, seemed to lose the beat. And as someone from the Korea generation, I don't know what a "'stan" is.
    because the government can’t find another man. Iambic, four feet.

    Hope this helps.
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