Erotic Scene (mature themes and sexual language) 1320 words - Page 2


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Thread: Erotic Scene (mature themes and sexual language) 1320 words

  1. #11
    Here's my 2 cents.


    "she felt a moment of heaven. Then a pinch of hell..." << This is good description.


    "Her body became more excited at the thought of what was expanding under his shorts, pushing at her back." << This could be toned down some. You might try something like, "His excitement was palpable." It's just a suggestion, really. All in all, I think you handled the nearly-sex-scene well. And that's not easy to do. It's tough trying to decide how much to show/tell.


    At any rate, I like where the story is going and would enjoy reading more. Keep writing!

  2. #12
    We are having this important discussion, in this off-beat place, why?

    It seems like Jay is making a very important point about all of writing. I want to disagree, but first I want everyone at Writingforums to read it and understand the importance of what he's saying.

    Okay, a sex scene.

    And below her bed, she could hear Jack, shivering in his sleep. She got out of bed, couched down to him, and tapped him on the shoulder. He opened his eyes; he had clearly been in a very shallow sleep. She didnít say anything, but instead gestured to the empty side of the bed. Then, she got back into her own side, and closed her eyes again.
    This is just a description of what is happening. It can work, because I will imagine what she is thinking. If EnglishmanRob doesn't care what I imagine, my free choice is probably good. If we crawl inside her mind and write first person, we still get only a description of him. So that hopefully works a little.

    That's my disagreement. Jay?

    It's just probably a little better if you tell me what she's thinking and feeling. That's where I think Jay is exactly right. And once you do that, you have more possibilities for telling the story.

    Suddenly she panicked, her brain waking from the pleasure filled ecstasy and realizing she had gone further than she was comfortable with. Her body tensed
    EnglishmanRob writes feelings. But when people panic, their brain stops working. Right? I would first realize I was uncomfortable, and be sure about that, and just guess about why. But you know that, those are just human reactions. I am guessing you didn't think through the scene from his or her perspective. Which is really hard to do, but I think you care.
    How to write a good start: Hidden Content . Useful, original information. Long and thorough.
    Includes Hidden Content (do you start with description?), Hidden Content (a favorite with publishers apparently), starting with Hidden Content (a lost art), and more.

  3. #13
    If we crawl inside her mind and write first person, we still get only a description of him. So that hopefully works a little.
    Crawling into her persona (not just her mind) is good, but that doesn't require first person. Remember, no matter the person and tense we may use to describe the scene, for the one living it—our protagonist—the time is always the present, and they are living it first person.

    There's no difference between "His touch on my back made me warm inside," and "His touch on her back made her warm inside." But neither is in her viewpoint. Instead, it's a report from an external observer on the situation, in a tone of voice that cannot be heard. That can work if you're telling it verbally, and say it as, "His touch on her back made her...warm inside." But on the page it's all in a neutral voice. But if we expressed it as she feels it, with something like,

    His fingertips touched her skin, leaving a trail of warmth, bringing shocked surprise, and, Oh...my...god, to her thoughts. Without consulting her in the matter, her body had changed, "No, no, no," to "Yes, yes yes."

    The object of the original is to inform the reader of events taking place, to which they can only say, "Uh-huh.

    The second version's goal is to evoke the same response in the reader that she has, by giving the cause, and her reaction and decision making. You are not going to make the reader horny by mentioning plumbing. But put them into her place, knowing and feeling with her; focus on emotion, not events, and...

    Hope this makes sense

  4. #14
    Okay. As far as I know, the standard advice at WritingForums is to just present the scene and let the reader decide what the character's reaction is. Or, show it by words, or by nonverbal gestures. And saying her thoughts and feelings is pretty much in the same category as devil worship, writing young adult, or using adverbs.

    I agree with your advice. But sometimes, if it's obvious from the scene what the person is feeling, I won't mention it. Like in a tense action scene, I probably won't mention that she's filled with adrenaline.

    And if it's a romance, and I'm telling it from her point of view, I have to use those other tools to show what he is thinking and feeling.

    That's one thing. The other is, the way you describe things, first-person present should be perfect. I understand your third person can be very subjective, but you are are still describing what she is feeling instead of being inside her conscious mind. Really, I can't rewrite your description into my style of first person. But that lets you say more about her, which is good.

    My no-to-yes scene:

    And I shouldn't let him unhook my bra, and finally, finally, I am consumed with guilt and I finally say "No." But just as I say it, he fondles my nipple, and my brain explodes with pleasure. "No?" he asks.

    "I meant yes." I have trouble saying that many words.


    Notice how events just happen, one after another, there is nothing to suggest one causes the other. You talk about one event causing another in your scene, and things that are happening to her that she probably doesn't realize.

    So I'm trying to understand these issues. Thanks.
    How to write a good start: Hidden Content . Useful, original information. Long and thorough.
    Includes Hidden Content (do you start with description?), Hidden Content (a favorite with publishers apparently), starting with Hidden Content (a lost art), and more.

  5. #15
    Quote Originally Posted by Jay Greenstein View Post
    You are not going to make the reader horny by mentioning plumbing. But put them into her place, knowing and feeling with her; focus on emotion, not events, and...
    If the writer depicts the events well, the reader will be caught up with the character's emotions. Intimacy in literature isn't effective for the decisions a character makes, but the words selected to express the decisions. That's how you will make your reader aroused. Slow circular motions. Soft gentle licks caressing along the sides. The lollipop grew smaller. You don't even need to write anything intimate with anyone. Seduce your reader. Make them engaged. Make them think outside the box. Bring out their perversion.

  6. #16
    Personally I liked where your story is going but I feel like I'm not getting enough emotion from her. As a young virgin I feel as if she'd be hesitant and her heart would pick up speed. Think maybe going on a roller coaster for the first time. You're excited, anxious, scared. All these emotions flying at you at once. That's what I want to feel when I'm reading about this girl's (sort of) first time.

    Other than that it was a good read!

  7. #17
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    I've read some of the comments but not all as that would be a lot of reading so i hope i'm not repeating anyone...

    The almost sex scene has some juicy bits but not enough conflicting emotions from her and intensity. She is a virgin but she really sounds like she wanted him - why isn't she ready, why does she want him so much - why oh why is she going to have to stop? That kind of thing.

    And if you want the bond between them to be balanced and hold firm, she wouldn't finish him off, and he wouldn't say thank you. From a girl's insight that would be awkward in their first romantic moment. He should be a man - maybe she would carefully attempt to try out of shame for letting him down but he would take her hand and pull it to his chest - he would say they have time - He would hold her as if it's ok that she didn't want to go on, and not let her believe he deserved to be finished off for what she did.

    Sometimes quick steamy sentences are better than drawn out details. I have written a far amount of sex scenes and if you wanted me to post you some let me know. I'm intrigued by your story. Sounds like a real page turner.

  8. #18
    When you say Mediterranean I'm confused as to where this is set. That makes it sound like our world, unless their fantasy world had the one in a gajillion coincidence of calling their equivalent land the Meditarranean too.

    Little things like that take me out of the scene.

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