Weeping Sparrows


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Thread: Weeping Sparrows

  1. #1

    Weeping Sparrows

    Frantically fluttering failing to fly
    stunted Sparrows spin and spin
    dirty wind from wounded wings
    scrub cracked sidewalks

    Dazed she drifts in a dark dream
    drenched in detached sorrow
    lost in cracked reality
    her fragile heart faintly flutters

    Fearful eyes focus on her feet
    don't step on a crack NO DO NOT!
    afraid she will trip and not come back
    like broken mirrors seven years bad luck

    Slooow step by slow step avoiding cracks
    moving forward but going no where
    dodging the spinning Sparrows
    scrubbing the sidewalk with wounded wings

    Spinning Sparrows sweep and weep
    sweeping sidewalks with stunted wings
    weeping sweeping never sleeping
    covering all the dirty cracks

    Frantically fluttering stunted Sparrows
    spin around her faltering feet
    she finally tripped and fell and fell
    fell in a crack can't ever find her way back...

    She lost herself in the trees,
    among the ever-changing leaves.
    She wept beneath the wild sky
    as stars told stories of ancient times.
    The flowers grew toward her light,
    the river called her name at night.
    She could not live an ordinary life,
    with the mysteries of the universe
    hidden in her eyes....
    Author: Christy Ann Martine

    Death leaves a heartache no one can heal,
    love leaves a memory no one can steal....
    Author unknown.

  2. #2
    wow! - an intense and engaging read - the fearful reality of trying to avoid the enevitable, perhaps
    expressed in black and white OCD?

    there seems to be tension between dirty and scrubbed - opposites that collide here - which is fine.

    not so much nits - as nitlets
    scrubbing cracked sidewalks - for flow and a nice in-rhyme
    dazed she drifts in dark dream - or darkest for the rhythm
    her fragile heart..... - needs another beat for the flow?
    fearful eyes... - drop her?
    afraid of tripping and not coming back - more dynamic, if that's applicable.
    like broken mirrors... - I got this, totally - but took a while
    sloow step.... - would drop the second step - for effect
    no where = nowhere
    dodging.... - drop the
    scrubbing the sidewalk... - that scrub the sidewalk - for rhythm
    she finally....- finally she
    the last line is a tad clunky - drop fell? - in = into
    can't ever - has a single word expression

    sweeping sidewalks with stunted wings - love the lyrical aliteration in this poem
    that mirrors the repeating themes.

    enjoyed
    Ned

  3. #3
    wow ned, fabulous crit.. even sublime.. I will return and make the corrections you suggested.. Thank you!
    This poem is about the drug "Crack".. The sparrows are symbolic for the war against drugs, and trying to keep the mean streets clean of crack and crack heads.. "She" is symbolic for a child trying to avoid becoming just another statistic .. just another lost junkie that fell through societies crack ... this is the second poem in this series, the first was "Crystal Mist" which is of course about Crystal Meth...
    She lost herself in the trees,
    among the ever-changing leaves.
    She wept beneath the wild sky
    as stars told stories of ancient times.
    The flowers grew toward her light,
    the river called her name at night.
    She could not live an ordinary life,
    with the mysteries of the universe
    hidden in her eyes....
    Author: Christy Ann Martine

    Death leaves a heartache no one can heal,
    love leaves a memory no one can steal....
    Author unknown.

  4. #4
    hello - yes, a lot of suggestions! - mostly to do with the rhythm as I read it - which can be a rather subjective concept.
    so, take or leave as you feel, as long as the poem sounds right for you.

    I reckoned the sparrows were a metaphore - for failure of one kind or another.
    Ned

  5. #5
    Hi Juls,

    Really liked this piece. The play with imagery, alliteration, and assonance is fierce. Overall, an excellent piece. Only major nit is S5, the six eep variations within four lines, especially the reuse and conjugation of weep and sweep, is a little too much. It overwhelms the stanza, but doesn't lend much texture. Consider revising one of the sweeping to something akin to creeping. Alliteration and assonance are wonderful tools, but they do need a little leavening.

    Appreciate the read.

    - D. the T.


  6. #6
    Quote Originally Posted by Firemajic View Post
    Frantically fluttering failing to fly
    stunted Sparrows spin and spin
    dirty wind from wounded wings
    scrubbing cracked sidewalks

    Dazed she drifts in a dark dream
    drenched in detached sorrow
    lost in cracked reality
    her fragile heart faintly flutters

    Fearful eyes focus on her feet
    don't step on a crack NO DO NOT!
    afraid she will trip and not come back
    like broken mirrors seven years bad luck

    Slooow steps avoiding cracks
    moving forward but going nowhere
    dodging spinning Sparrows
    scrubbing sidewalks with wounded wings

    Spinning Sparrows weep [ I removed sweep]
    sweeping sidewalks with stunted wings
    weeping never sleeping
    covering all the dirty cracks

    Frantically fluttering stunted Sparrows
    spin around her faltering feet
    she finally tripped and fell and fell
    fell in a crack can't ever find her way back...


    Thank you, DarKKin and ned.. I made some changes as suggested.. I appreciate your critique..
    Last edited by Firemajic; May 13th, 2016 at 06:06 PM.
    She lost herself in the trees,
    among the ever-changing leaves.
    She wept beneath the wild sky
    as stars told stories of ancient times.
    The flowers grew toward her light,
    the river called her name at night.
    She could not live an ordinary life,
    with the mysteries of the universe
    hidden in her eyes....
    Author: Christy Ann Martine

    Death leaves a heartache no one can heal,
    love leaves a memory no one can steal....
    Author unknown.

  7. #7
    has a stronger rhythm now, that allows the beauty of the phrases to ascend the mere wording

    tidy teeny tiny tweaking
    Ned

  8. #8
    Just read it out loud to yourself. It's intense and good. Very nice.

  9. #9
    Quote Originally Posted by afk4life View Post
    Just read it out loud to yourself. It's intense and good. Very nice.

    I am glad the intensity came through.. Thank you! I appreciate your comment..
    She lost herself in the trees,
    among the ever-changing leaves.
    She wept beneath the wild sky
    as stars told stories of ancient times.
    The flowers grew toward her light,
    the river called her name at night.
    She could not live an ordinary life,
    with the mysteries of the universe
    hidden in her eyes....
    Author: Christy Ann Martine

    Death leaves a heartache no one can heal,
    love leaves a memory no one can steal....
    Author unknown.

  10. #10
    Hi Juls,

    A very heavy subject matter for a poem. Well done alliteration and imagery. However, I prefer the first poem over the 2nd, perhaps revising the 5th stanza as Darkkin suggested. Otherwise, leave it as it was and thanks once again for sharing.

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