A Good Poop Is Hard to Find

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Thread: A Good Poop Is Hard to Find

  1. #1

    A Good Poop Is Hard to Find

    EDIT: Removed.
    Last edited by Ibb; March 2nd, 2017 at 09:06 PM.

  2. #2
    Member 20oz's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2015
    In a white, walled tomb
    What the hell?

    Now that was something. It was disturbingly hilarious. It was the last line that made me burst out laughing.

    In the wrong hands, this could have ended up being too disturbing or too scatological. You seemed to know what you were saying and how to say it. You did an excellent job balancing everything out.

    It was a fun read. Thanks for posting. It'll be a long time before I forget this.

    Here are the nitpicks I have:

    I found this part off. "Maligned my voice" doesn't have the effect you wanted it to have since it's not addressed properly. It just slowed it down. And "my" threw it off too.

    when a lurch in my stomach maligned my voice and thereby resulted in my squinting, grimacing, and growling confusedly at the man instead.
    This would flow better:

    when a lurch in my stomach resulted in me squinting, grimacing, and growling confusedly at the man instead.
    I'm not sure if it should be corrected or not. Real people just don't proofread their sentences.

    This urinal (is) totally fucked and likely to remain so for an undisclosed but probably too long period of time.
    This part would be fine with "something" or "something else".

    They were looking at each other, not at me, discussing something or else...
    20oz of Vileness. Hidden Content

  3. #3
    Hey 20oz! Thanks for the feedback. You're right, that 'maligned' sentence was totally bonkers and not congruent with the hopes we all aspire towards when envisioning clean, melodious syntax. I'd go the extra step in claiming that its jaunty insertion was supposed to represent the ways in which an unexpected lingering poop throws us off balance, but the truth of the matter is my judgment was off.

    I wrote this as a joke between me and some buddies a few months prior. When I discovered it the other day, I wanted to post it in the hopes someone else at least got a giggle. If you smiled, smirked, or chuckled at least twice, then I think my quota was made.

    Thanks for taking the time to read. Hope you had fun.

  4. #4
    Member Miseo's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2016
    Right here
    Well... shit.

    Gotta say, for the first work I've read on this site that was memorable. I liked your choice of words for the most part, it was very fluid. More so than the turn I imagine. I generally don't like the use of caps lock but it works in comedies.

    I don't think there is a point to me saying this since it has been said already, but the word maligned doesn't really fit, and the "discussing something or else" might be better phrased as "discussing something or another".

    It was pretty funny overall.

  5. #5
    Holy shit. I don't think I'll ever be able to forget this piece of art. If I could see this as a movie I would. It was absolutely astounding as a comedic writing. Keep it up, For the love of all that is holy KEEP IT UP!

  6. #6
    Glad this got bumped, Ibb - super fun, ridiculous piece. Loved every word - cringeworthy but also so painfully could-have-been-me. Thanks for this!

  7. #7
    This is wonderful, great use of word play too, besides the great comedy.

  8. #8
    Member DaBlaRR's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2015
    North Vancouver, BC, Canada
    Blog Entries
    Please tell me this is non-fiction.
    disclaimer: I type to ask quuuesstions... if for wutever reeeson i mistake a their with there, or a two with to... or anything of the sort... forums is where i can lazeee tipe and not put effort in... i am not a professional...

    Hidden Content

  9. #9
    Well hey! I thought it'd been a while since I visited my favorite writing website on the planet, and decided to poke my head in and see what was on the up--and what a splendid surprise to see all these nice words written about my story! Thanks, everybody!

    I had a lot of fun writing this silly little piece of nonsense and I hope you had fun reading it.

    Quote Originally Posted by DaBlaRR View Post
    Please tell me this is non-fiction.
    Oh, certainly; everything I write is tinged with the whiff of truth. But whether or not I once shit into a public sink? I leave that decision to the readers.

  10. #10
    Absolutely screamingly funny.

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