Anyone care to elaborate


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Thread: Anyone care to elaborate

  1. #1

    Question Anyone care to elaborate

    *Deleted by the teachers request*
    Last edited by bakluka; April 18th, 2016 at 09:54 PM.

  2. #2
    Hey bakluka, how are you? Welcome to Writing Forums! It's a pleasure to see you dive right into our community with a question. I'm Anthony. As a former ESL substitute teacher and bilingual tutor, I can understand where this B came into play. First, I would like you to know that English teachers will help you with English. They want to see you succeed in the language itself and develop creative thinking from it. Don't ever take their grades seriously either. As long as you show that you understand English, articulating the language well, you will do fine. Now, on to your work. In 15 minutes, I am pleased to see what you have written from your thoughts.

    Quote Originally Posted by bakluka View Post
    "Do you have someone to whom you mean the world, who loves you and accepts you just the way you are?"
    First, it's nice to know that you repeated the question. As a teacher, it shows that you understand the prompt. You read it clearly and responded promptly.

    Quote Originally Posted by bakluka View Post
    Well, I do, and she got has black hair and hazel eyes. Yeah, that’s my mother.

    Suggestions:

    Replace "got" to "has" in your first sentence.


    Now, to rephrase the sentence and repeat the prompt itself, you can say the following:


    In her hazel eyes, my mother loves and accepts me the way I am.


    That's just a suggestion to tighten the message. I see no problem otherwise.


    Quote Originally Posted by bakluka View Post
    She has always been my role model, my support, my source of enthusiasm and, above all, my dearest friend.
    I don't see anything wrong with this sentence. If you wanted to cut it down, remove a few "my's", "my source of," "above all". In my honest opinion, that emphasizes the relationship you have with her. It's a sentimental touch that shouldn't be removed.

    Quote Originally Posted by bakluka View Post
    Also, She is the only person who I feel close enough to tell some of my greatest joys and troubles.
    You beautifully convey raw emotion here. Again, no major flaws. You can remove 'also' - other than that, you're fine.


    Quote Originally Posted by bakluka View Post
    Ever since I was just a toddler, she was diligent and tireless. Working all day to provide for us and then coming home to cook lunch and clean the house.
    Okay, your mother is now discussed as a role model here. You put her hard-work up for show. You can tighten these lines better.

    Ex.

    My mother has always been diligent and tireless. She worked all day to provide for us, come home to cook lunch, and clean the house.


    Quote Originally Posted by bakluka View Post
    I am amazed by the amount of energy and effort she put to me on a daily basis. She is a definition of devotion.
    This is another beautiful sentence. I want to hug your mother! She's an amazing woman. Again, you can tighten these lines.

    Ex.

    I am amazed by my mother's devotion to my well-being everyday.

    Quote Originally Posted by bakluka View Post
    The best thing about her is that even with all those difficulties she maintains a smile on her face.
    Again, I don't see anything wrong here other than tightening your sentences.

    Ex.

    Despite the difficulties, she maintains a smile on her face.


    I would assume that this would be the best already, without even reading "best thing" in the sentence itself.


    Quote Originally Posted by bakluka View Post
    One of her finest traits is that she is always optimistic about the future, even though worse times are coming.
    This is another great sentence. Perhaps, your teacher wanted you to cut down on the words?

    Ex.

    My mother is always optimistic about the future, even when she knows something unsettling ahead of time.


    Quote Originally Posted by bakluka View Post
    I am very proud of my mother. She gave me everything, even though I do not deserve it. Yes, I don’t deserve her, but she loves me, with her whole heart.
    This was an amazing short paragraph. I love the ending. In the ending, you said it all. The only thing I wouldn't agree upon is that you don't deserve her. You do deserve her. She deserves you.



    If you need anything else, feel free to ask.


    Make yourself at home, explore and introduce yourself.

    Have fun!


    - Anthony

  3. #3
    I thought it was a beautiful tribute to your mother.

    Keep in mind that every reader, and teacher, has his or her own style. For example, I disagree with PrinzeCharming's suggestions of removing the "my"s and the "above all". I think these personalize the piece. Different perspective, different opinion.

    I really hated all subjective classes. In math or science there is a correct answer and all else is incorrect. Not so with writing. My way of dealing with it was to get "help" from the teacher, so I could get a better grade. Cheating. But even if you had posted the essay here before turning it in and made the changes suggested, that wouldn't have guaranteed that your teacher would give it an "A". If you really want to know why you got the "B", ask the person who graded the paper. Maybe that will give you clues for how to get an "A" next time. And maybe not.

    But don't let this get you down. It was a good essay.

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