The Bonebreaker: Clay's Nightmare


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Thread: The Bonebreaker: Clay's Nightmare

  1. #1

    The Bonebreaker: Clay's Nightmare

    In a forest in Eurasia lived a creepy creature called the Bonebreaker. If campers were careless in securing their camping-sites or if they were loitering or polluting the forest in any way, the Bonebreaker would pay them a visit. The Bonebreaker had cloven feet, muscular hands with iron rings, an impish body, and a deformed humanoid head. The Bonebreaker, as his odd name implied, would simply run at you and try to break one of your bones --- your ribs, your jaw, your fingers, your leg, etc.

    A group of precocious campers (Sally, Eric, Rajiv, Clay, and Andrea), all college students studying environmental science, decided to camp in the Eurasian forest where the Bonebreaker was reputed to be stalking. They had a plan to lure the imp into a tent and then trap him and turn him over to the police. To attract the Bonebreaker's attention, the campers made a neat camping site but then littered their area in the forest with breadcrumbs, potato chips, and beer cans and began playing loud music with their battery-operated radio. The men in the group took turns taking shifts watching over their camping-site to see if the Bonebreaker appeared.

    For the first two days of camping, there was no sign of the Bonebreaker. Then, on the third night, while Clay was keeping watch, the Bonebreaker skulked towards the camp. Clay was ready with his plan. The campers had made two tents, and Clay would wave to the Bonebreaker to tell him, "Please, please, do not go inside this second tent!" When the Bonebreaker, with his creepy mischievousness, went inside that second tent, Clay (and whoever else was able to help him) would unfasten the pegs and tie a rope around the imp with the tent over him. There was nothing (and no camper) in that second tent.

    The Bonebreaker approached Clay and the camper went ahead with his plan. As the Bonebreaker gave his eerie grin and crawled inside that second tent, Clay wrapped him up and tied his impish body with his rope with the tent over him. The Bonebreaker tried to break free but could not. He did, however, manage to grab Clay's left hand and break it (after he was tied up). The other campers came to their senses and helped Clay finish the job and they hauled the imp on their truck to the police station.

    The police were happy to incarcerate the creepy imp. They told the campers, "We didn't believe this beast was real, but we're glad the Bonebreaker is finally in some kind of custody. We'll take it from here." The campers returned home, and Clay felt like a hero. Clay was a comic book fan and began reading stories about the super-villain Bonebreaker (Marvel Comics), since it shared the name with the imp he helped capture.

    Two years passed by, and news of the Bonebreaker had subsided. There were reports that the imp was carried off to a special incarceration and care center, but there were also rumors that scientists wanted to perform biometric tests to evaluate the Bonebreaker's evolutionary development and trace its crypto-zoological origins. None of this concerned Clay who was simply happy reading his Bonebreaker (Marvel Comics) stories at home.

    One night, as Clay was about to go to sleep, the Bonebreaker appeared, having crawled through his window. Clay shrieked and asked him, "How did you get here, you little freak?" The Bonebreaker, who could surprisingly speak, replied, "The scientists wanted to see if I could track the person who caught me on my own. So here I am!" He lunged at Clay and broke his right hand and said, "Now, I've broken your other hand." The Bonebreaker noticed a pile of comics on Clay's table with the title Bonebreaker (Marvel Comics) on them. He said to Clay, "I'll tell the scientists I was your hero."








    Bonebreaker (Marvel)



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  2. #2
    Hey Abishal, I kinda liked this, but I felt very distanced and detached while reading it. There was too much narrative and very little feeling. I think telling it from Clay's POV have helped immensely with that. Even if omniscient is what you specifically wanted, there could have been more depth.

    A few notes:
    Quote Originally Posted by Abishai100 View Post
    In a forest in Eurasia lived a creepy creature called the Bonebreaker. If campers were careless in securing their camping-sites or if they were loitering or polluting the forest in any way, the Bonebreaker would pay them a visit. The Bonebreaker had cloven feet, muscular hands with iron rings, an impish body, and a deformed humanoid head. The Bonebreaker, as his odd name implied, would simply run at you and try to break one of your bones --- your ribs, your jaw, your fingers, your leg, etc.
    A passive first sentence right off the bat. As written, more stress is given to the forest than the real star--the Bonebreaker. I think this would have been stronger: A creepy creature called the Bonebreaker lived in a forest in Eurasia. (love that name-Eurasia). Also, his description is a bit "stop everything for a laundry list"-ish. I would get a fuller picture with the descrp being more dispersed and in action. As an example of what I mean (but not how you should write it):

    A creature with an impish body and deformed head called the Bonebreaker lived in an Eurasian forest. If careless campers loitered or polluted the forest in any way, the Bonebreaker would pay them a visit upon his cloven feet. The Bonebreaker, as his odd name implied, would run at you and try to break one of your bones--your ribs, jaw, fingers, leg, etc--with its muscular hands with iron rings.

    Basically, I included everything in the laundry list and spaced it out and attributed with an action. Thus, I didn't put the story on hold.

    Still, my biggest "complaint" would be the narrative distance. But again, that could be what you were going for.

  3. #3
    Imp Ink


    Yes, I was definitely going for the omniscience/narrative mode. I was drawing inspiration from the horror film "Leprechaun" [1993] in which the imp-human dynamic is more-or-less defined by a narrative approach focusing on generic brushstrokes on the main evil avatar (Bonebreaker in this case) while the story development simply revolves around the eerie atmospherics created by the imp.

    However, I like your critique that the opening could have nicely presented a Bonebreaker portrait but in a non-laundrylist way. I think someone said a similar thing about "Leprechaun" [1993] --- like why not use story development to present the imp as a leering ghoul around more richly-developed human settings and dialogue?

    I was myself concerned that the opening forest intro with laundrylist approach would separate the Bonebreaker from the other characters and settings --- you seem to have gotten the same feeling (i.e., disattachment, distance from the story, etc.).

    I actually have difficulty sometimes balancing rough sketching with involved storytelling when presenting atmosphericism-themed monsters.

    By the way, since your criticisms are very relevant to my personal challenges (I guess it showed with this story), I was wondering if you had a personal favourite American horror/horror-fantasy film which you think is not only doodle-friendly but also well-developed in terms of story and characterization (and setting).

    My personal favourites are Tobe Hooper's "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" [1974] and Jamie Blanks' "Valentine" [2001].


    Thanks again (Lsahlm) for your critique!

  4. #4
    I used to love that Leprechaun series. haha. Mainly because they were so campy and funny. I liked them more for comedy than horror, but I still liked them. But no, nothing comes to mind at the moment. I'll pm you if something pops up.

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