Dear Walmart Shoppers


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Thread: Dear Walmart Shoppers

  1. #1

    Dear Walmart Shoppers

    As you know, I'm a customer service manager at Walmart. While 95% of you shoppers are absolutely delightful and brighten my day just by walking in the door, the other 5% of you need some ... refining. This letter is for that 5%.

    Dear Walmart Shoppers,

    While I am glad to see you and greet you with a smile, do not think I will put up with certain lousy behaviors and habits. Those belong at home.

    1. Please put the phone down when you're conducting business at the service desk or the register. First of all, it's rude. Second, I'd rather not hear you cussing out your boyfriend and dropping the f-bomb, and third, when I ask you a question, yelling "I'm on the @#$%&!! phone, b****!!" at me is not the point.

    2. The bag carousel is not a playground for your children. It's dangerous and annoying. Please do us all a favor and duct-tape your unruly monsters to the bottom of your buggy.

    3. Please understand the self-checkouts are exactly that. Self-checkouts. No, my cashiers are not going to do it for you. They have seven other registers to watch and to be very honest, if you really want to know, no, you aren't that important.

    4. If an item rings up at a higher price than you claim, calling me names and blaming me for the discrepancy is not going to make someone come any faster to do your price check for you. Just saying.

    5. The speedy checkouts do not have signs on them that say, "Twenty Items or More." The signs say, "Twenty Items or Less!" During last year's store remodel, this prompted me to suggest having an automatic trapdoor in front of these that open up and swallow you on item #21.

    6. We ask to see your ID if you look under 40 for alcohol and tobacco purchases. That is a North Carolina state law and is not our way of annoying you. We will especially ask you for ID when for the boys, you have no facial hair, your voices haven't dropped yet, and for the girls, you're not even in a trainer bra yet. Please be aware of this.

    7. We sincerely appreciate our shoppers bringing their own reusable grocery bags, and we are very skilled at packing these exactly the way you desire. However, flinging your bags at us and yelling, "Pack 'em! And do it right!!" is highly likely to result in a couple of broken eggs and a hole through your bread. Also, we don't do bugs. Seeing ants and roaches scurrying out of your reusable bags will not prompt us to touch them; therefore, you get the plastic bags and don't bother arguing about it.

    8. And for the last time, dearest shoppers, Walmart does not refund items bought at Target, Kmart, Belk's, or any other store. I can't stress this enough.

    9. We do not ad-match used items sold on Ebay. That IPhone 6 you've chosen is brand new; the one on Ebay is used and the screen is completely shattered, and you're absolutely not getting a brand-new IPhone 6 for $75.00.

    10. Any product that comes into direct contact with bodily fluids is definitely not returnable. Please refrain from returning used pregnancy tests because they were wrong.

    11. You might think returning items you claim are unopened will result in us taking your word for it. That's not our policy; we open all boxes and stuffing your husband's old drill into a new box and trying to get a refund on the new drill only makes you look rather ridiculous.

    12. If you've put a bigger engine into your truck and the battery you bought two years ago won't fit now, no, we can't exchange it even with a receipt. Please don't even try.

    13. Calling us and ordering a MoneyGram over the phone with a credit or debit card number is an exercise in futility. How do we know it's your card? We know this is a scam. Think about it.

    14. Speaking of credit and debit cards, when your card is declined, no, it's not our financial system at fault. There are several reasons why this happens, and it's up to you to resolve the issue. We will not call your bank or credit card company, and we are unable to "turn a key" into the register to force the system accept it.

    15. Please don't bring your spider monkeys, bearded dragons, and snakes into the store. These are definitely not service animals and we're not convinced, much less impressed.

    16. Although Walmart doesn't have a dress policy for its customers, during the summer, please leave a little something to the imagination. It cuts down on the nausea. Oh...and coming into the store in your pajamas isn't very attractive either.

    17. Our door greeters check receipts for a reason. Yelling "Racism!", "Discrimination!", or "I'm being attacked!" seriously doesn't work out real well for you. There are things called cameras all over the store, including the entrances.

    18. We understand that some of you have health issues, and we're sorry you do. No one likes health issues, and we seriously care about you. However, showing us your colostomy bag and all its contents isn't necessary. Believe me, we'll take your word for it.

    19. Teens joyriding on the MartCarts is also unnecessary. They are not toys and not to be used for playing bumper cars. They are there for folks with physical disabilities and we don't think you're cute and we will take them away from you.

    20. Last but definitely not least, when we're on registers and closing it, cleaning it, and collecting the returns with the "Lane Closed" sign out and the light off, don't come flying up and start putting your stuff on the belt saying, "You're opening, right?" and get mad at us when we say, "No, I'm sorry, I'm not open." Seriously...what part of the "Lane Closed" sign and the light off did you not get?

    We hope this letter will help you work better with us, and thank you for shopping at Walmart.

    Sincerely,
    Hairball
    Customer Service Manager
    Last edited by Hairball; November 27th, 2015 at 08:08 AM.

  2. #2
    If you made any SPaGs this piece was so hilarious I failed to notice as it held my attention right to the end. Excellent work, Hairball.
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  3. #3
    Member Red Sonja's Avatar
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    This is quite entertaining as far as I'm concerned, but are you sure those Walmart shoppers are gonna read it...? O_0

  4. #4
    Member Sonata's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Red Sonja View Post
    This is quite entertaining as far as I'm concerned, but are you sure those Walmart shoppers are gonna read it...? O_0
    Having never been to a Walmart I would not know, but I read it and laughed my head off in the process!
    If you talk to a cat they look at you as if you are way below their intelligence to even listen.
    However, when you talk to a dog they look at you with such admiration and really do seem to understand what you are saying.
    Even if it is a bit silly...
    ...they still think you are wonderful.


  5. #5
    Thanks, folks!

    Sometimes truth is stranger than fiction...and Walmart is strange.

  6. #6
    A flawlessly written glimpse into the alien planet known as Walmart; nice work.

  7. #7
    Quote Originally Posted by HarperCole View Post
    A flawlessly written glimpse into the alien planet known as Walmart; nice work.
    Oh my! Thank you!

  8. #8
    Member DATo's Avatar
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    "Never get a job where you have to deal with the public." Best advice I have ever been given.

  9. #9
    Quote Originally Posted by DATo View Post
    "Never get a job where you have to deal with the public." Best advice I have ever been given.
    What's really fun is to see how many people can't deal with the public, and the next thing you know...a former Walmart associate is asking for a recommendation.

    YOW!!

  10. #10
    Honoured/Sadly Missed Courtjester's Avatar
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    Very entertaining. I thoroughly enjoyed it. Not having been to the US, I have never shopped at Walmart, but we have a subsidiary thereof here. I don't patronise it, but a friend of mine gets her shopping from there online and she has plenty of 'fun and games' in the process. Cj
    [CENTER][B][I][SIZE=3][FONT=times new roman]Even though the darkest clouds are in the sky,
    You mustnít sigh and you mustnít cry.
    Spread a little happiness, as you go by.

    [/FONT][/SIZE][/I][/B][B][I][FONT=Times New Roman]O:)[/FONT][/I][/B]
    [SIZE=2]
    [/SIZE]
    [/CENTER]

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