Autumn Haiku Challenge - Page 3

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Thread: Autumn Haiku Challenge

  1. #21
    Quote Originally Posted by Gumby View Post
    crisp carpet of leaves
    rustle in October breeze
    white tailed flags fly high
    white-tailed needs a hyphen. Carpets and flags seem too anthropic to me. October is a good kigo​. I like the turn from leaves to deer. You've given me the germ of an idea for my next one.
    Everything you want is just outside your comfort zone.
    — Robert G. Allen

  2. #22
    for kigo you can try googling .... I'm reading that the moon is an autumn kigo and assumed to be full.
    Everything you want is just outside your comfort zone.
    — Robert G. Allen

  3. #23
    Okay, reworked that one.


    crisp scattering leaves
    rustle in October breeze
    white-tails flip then fly
    There is no life I know
    To compare with pure imagination.
    Living there you’ll be free
    If you truly wish to be.~ Willy Wonka

  4. #24
    leaves turn crimson red
    to our delight and whimsy
    they fall to their deaths
    “On the chest of a barmaid in Sale, were tattooed all the prices of ale. And on her behind, for the sake of the blind, was the same only written in braille"


    "Ambiguity is one of the greatest faults in a craft. It comes from vague ambitions. One may inspired by good ambitions, but the immediate concern of the craftsman is to know what he is capable of doing at present; and to do it."
    - Edward Johnston

  5. #25
    Red rain falls from trees,
    slaking thirst of Mother Earth.
    Winter winds await.

  6. #26
    The deathless moon hangs
    over skeletal trees. Spiders
    weave silken tales.

  7. #27
    Quote Originally Posted by Gumby View Post
    gold and russet trees
    coyly drop each leaf to tease
    jack frost holds his breath
    This is very ... anthropomorphic. And the rhyme distracts. I like the image though, of bating while the leaves fall.
    Everything you want is just outside your comfort zone.
    — Robert G. Allen

  8. #28
    Quote Originally Posted by kilroy214 View Post
    leaves turn crimson red
    to our delight and whimsy
    they fall to their deaths
    Nice senryu. Really. It's too human-centered though to be haiku. Read the guidelines at the top of the thread ... instead of talking about feelings, try to describe something to impart them.
    Everything you want is just outside your comfort zone.
    — Robert G. Allen

  9. #29
    Quote Originally Posted by Phil Istine View Post
    Red rain falls from trees,
    slaking thirst of Mother Earth.
    Winter winds await.
    This makes the earth sound bloodthirsty.

    I like the idea of the red rain and the winds awaiting. Perhaps instead of slaking thirst, you could have the rain do something else.
    Everything you want is just outside your comfort zone.
    — Robert G. Allen

  10. #30
    Quote Originally Posted by amsawtell View Post
    The deathless moon hangs
    over skeletal trees. Spiders
    weave silken tales.
    Like the enjambment. However, you have a The. Maybe some other word or some reworking to get more mileage from that syllable.
    Everything you want is just outside your comfort zone.
    — Robert G. Allen

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