Autumn Haiku Challenge - Page 2

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Thread: Autumn Haiku Challenge

  1. #11
    Quote Originally Posted by PiP View Post
    autumn breeze chills air
    as leaves of gold and bronze fall
    naked tree is cold.
    I think you have filler words in L2. Also, L1 seems a little stilted. "Fall" in L2 works as your kigo--your season-word so you don't need to say autumn in L1 if you have more you want to put into it. L3 is ... I'm not sure how to express this, but it's kind of humanizing it and that's less nature-nature. Also the turn isn't very ... turnish. It doesn't take much to go from falling leaves to naked trees. I love the word "bronze" though. It's not used as often as gold for autumn foliage, though it could be.
    Everything you want is just outside your comfort zone.
    — Robert G. Allen

  2. #12
    Quote Originally Posted by amsawtell View Post
    Autumn leaves blush red
    naked trees shake and shiver
    the lonely ghost howls
    I was uncomfortable with PiP's naked trees and I'm uncomfortable with yours too. I think it's because to me, nakedness is very human and there are other words that mean bare that are less imbued with humanity. The use of both naked and blush makes it very humanistic. I love the turn from the trees to the haunt.
    Everything you want is just outside your comfort zone.
    — Robert G. Allen

  3. #13
    Quote Originally Posted by astroannie View Post
    crisp October breeze
    lays down multicolored leaves
    squirrel hides acorns
    I love that you've captured so much of the feeling of October. I think "lays down" feels passive. Otherwise, your language, as always, is lovely.

  4. #14
    Quote Originally Posted by alanmt View Post
    geese in southbound flight
    frosted stubble field beckons
    silent shotgun waits
    I would swap L1 and L2....it reads like 3 thoughts in this arrangement rather than two. I like L3's turn.
    Everything you want is just outside your comfort zone.
    — Robert G. Allen

  5. #15
    Having never written haiku, I am struggling with the same thing, leaving 'humanity' out of it.
    There is no life I know
    To compare with pure imagination.
    Living there you’ll be free
    If you truly wish to be.~ Willy Wonka

  6. #16
    I was so excited I didn't think about it much. I'll be revisiting this later.

  7. #17
    crisp carpet of leaves
    rustle in October breeze
    white tailed flags fly high
    There is no life I know
    To compare with pure imagination.
    Living there you’ll be free
    If you truly wish to be.~ Willy Wonka

  8. #18
    Quote Originally Posted by Gumby View Post
    Having never written haiku, I am struggling with the same thing, leaving 'humanity' out of it.
    A lot of folks think that it's about the syllable count and that's it. That's part of why I picked to go to the solstice--because it is NOT easy. That's also why I write a lot of senryu--as a human, it's easier for me to write about humans.

    The point of this is to challenge ourselves to create the best of the form that we can. It's probably a good idea to do some critiquing with the guidelines in mind. Sometimes you get insights that you would otherwise miss. I struggled with mine--the word "carpet" as a verb is ... human. So I didn't use it.

    ETA, while I was doing that, you posted yours....my comment was not directed at you.
    Everything you want is just outside your comfort zone.
    — Robert G. Allen

  9. #19
    crisp October breeze
    scatters multicolored leaves
    squirrels hide acorns
    Everything you want is just outside your comfort zone.
    — Robert G. Allen

  10. #20
    Quote Originally Posted by astroannie View Post
    I would swap L1 and L2....it reads like 3 thoughts in this arrangement rather than two. I like L3's turn.
    I agree. nice eye.

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