Sentence Structure


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Thread: Sentence Structure

  1. #1

    Sentence Structure

    "I was at home studying for my exam when I received the sad news that my father had passed away at the young age of 45."

    Does the sentence make sense or should I remove "at the young age of 45"

  2. #2
    To me, your grammar creates the idea that the news is sad because of the young age. Did you want to say that? Or did you want to say that the news of his death is sad and it is even sadder about the young age?

    To me, if this is just one sentence that isn't important to the story (it's just a part of the background description), then it probably doesn't matter. If you are trying to evoke some emotion in an important event, then you might have more than one sentence and the person be sad rather than the news.
    How to write a good start: Hidden Content . Useful, original information. Long and thorough.
    Includes Hidden Content (do you start with description?), Hidden Content (a favorite with publishers apparently), starting with Hidden Content (a lost art), and more.

  3. #3
    Depends on the context. If the narrator is estranged from his father, then I think this is not too bad, because it reads kind of cold and clinical, like an obituary, which I think points up the estrangement. But if the narrator was very close to his father, then I think he probably wouldn't even mention his age, at least at first, and he would mention who told him the news, and he wouldn't use euphemisms for death. So, if the narrator is pretty cut off from his family, it's fine except maybe lose the "had". If he's close to his father and family, and assuming it was not entirely unexpected, then maybe something more like this:

    I was at home studying for my exam when Mom called and told me Dad died.

    This, of course, in prelude to more emotional statements about his feelings for his father.
    John Oberon
    Hidden Content

  4. #4
    You could probably make it into two sentences if you want the age thing to have an impact. "...had passed away. And only 45." (or something like that). If the age isn't that significant to the story, I'd just drop it.
    Has left the building.

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