Opener to a chapter - Page 2

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Thread: Opener to a chapter

  1. #11
    I read the piece then skimmed the thread. In context I like what you opened this thread with. I would recommend you add the complete chapter one, then edit your initial post here to include a link to it, for those who accidentally enter this thread instead.

    You've got potential as a writer. I'd be more explicit if I had more to base it on. I'll be keeping my eye out for the rest of this.

  2. #12
    The feeling I felt is hard to explain" - you've hooked us. "It was terrifying but at the same time a very beautiful phenomena." - raised a story question. Now, right here, since there's a "WE", you should play with an introduction of the who, the where and the ugly ... lame joke, I know, couldn't help it. But in all seriousness - look at what TKent said: you lost your reader there. Personally, I liked this little excerpt. But, like I said, the who and where - protagonist and setting, very important. And this is not every reader's preference, either. In the end, it's your book. If the majority agree with what I, myself, and TKent say, then you should listen. If we're the minority, don't discard what we said entirely, but feel free to continue as you have. Hope this helps!

  3. #13
    This is based on teenager story. this post is nice. your can add some other interesting fact in this above lines

  4. #14
    That's a really strong opener. Don't freak about the tense change, I (and I'm pretty sure a lot of us) trip over that all the time. I think present tense may work better for what you've said the story is about, because if you're telling a story in past tense the narrator at minimum survived it. If it's present tense, that means they're only okay at the moment. You're very good at painting a picture and the emotion in the opener, I'll read the chapter in a few.

  5. #15
    It reads like an excerpt from a diary. It's beautifully written and has a sort of dreamy tone to it. There was enough here to make me curious on just where the story would go.

  6. #16
    Quote Originally Posted by YoungScholar View Post
    "The feeling I felt is hard to explain. It was terrifying but at the same time a very beautiful phenomena. We were confused and without hope; however, despite the chill and pain of a new morning, I couldn't help but ponder the stillness and pureness of my surrounding environment. It boggled my mind every morning, the thought of how something so beautiful could kill you. In a sense it was nice to just sit, think, and ponder upon life. But then the sun would peak that hill top, and you'd realize that thinking and pondering will not get you out of here alive. The temptation to simply stay idle came about my mind every single day, but I knew our best chances of getting out of here alive was to hike out ourselves. "

    It's an interesting opener. I am pretty much there, in the Rockies or somewhere, and I think the tense change works - it certainly didn't grate me - but I do think there are some bits you can cut:

    - the repetition; excessive use of "feel" particulatly in the first sentence, plus "ponder" and "morning" and "beautiful" and "think" and "out" and, lastly, "get out of here alive". Think about whether you need to repeat an image and if you do, try and let another alternative suggest itself.
    - filler words and phrases: despite, couldn't help but, the thought of, in a sense, very, however, it was, we were, simply, I'm looking at you. These words tend to fill space but not really add much oomph, and they sound kind of rambly. Then fill that space up with actual things, eg. mountains, waves, whatever the surroundings were.
    - Typos and errors: Phenomena is plural; phenomenon is the singular, which presumably is what you mean given your quantifier, "a" (as opposed to "some").
    - Urgency. I am more captivated by the sense of pleasant surroundings than the near-deathiness of the piece. Scare us, even while you mesmerise us. Don't have the jolly old sun as a reminder of impending doom when a mountian storm does it so much better. Give us insurmountable distances and darkening skies alongside the idyllic scenes.

    Here's what I wanted to read - pls forgive the rewrite:

    "The feeling is hard to explain, a terrifying yet profoundly beautiful phenomenon. We were confused, and mostly without hope, but in spite of the freezing pain of a new morning, I couldn't help but marvel at the motionless purity of our hostile surroundings. It boggled my mind every daybreak, how something so beautiful as the [XYZ] river, as it tumbled from the snowy upslopes of the [ABC] mountain range, could kill you, and at those times it was nice to simply sit, and think, about life. But then black clouds would peak that hill top and cover the sun, and you'd realize that daydreaming and pondering will not get you to the safety of [CDE], a settlement more than a hundred miles away, or even the drier lowlands. This temptation to stay idle came about my mind every single day, but I knew our best chance was to hike out ourselves. "

    Hope this helps, and gives you food for thought.

  7. #17
    It's short but it draws the reader in. I would love to see what the rest of the story will be like.
    Do they decide to stay in the wild because of the beauty instead of going back to civilization?

  8. #18
    It was good, but there are some sentences that you may need to develop or to be more direct in meaning.

  9. #19

    I want to make sure I provide honest, constructive feedback. I definitely want the same in return when I get a chance to post my work. Please believe that it's all coming from a good place (and is only my opinion). With that in mind, these are my comments:

    1. I like the idea of a teenage adventure story. I loved those when I was a kid. They took me to whole new worlds, so keep working on that angle.

    2. I think, perhaps, there might be a bit of redundancy in parts of your excerpt. For instance, "The feeling I felt is hard to explain" . You could change that to something like, "just what I felt was hard to explain" or "the feeling that came over me was hard to explain", or some other variation. I feel that since it's a feeling, we already know that he feels it. You also use the words "thinking and pondering". The two words mean essentially the same thing. You only need to use one.

    3. I also noticed some unconventional syntax: "came about my mind every single day,". You may want to reconsider the wording.

    4. Sometimes simpler words are better: thinking vs. ponder or boggle vs, puzzled. Would those words and phenomena be in keeping with the teenager's vocabulary?

    5. Lastly, Without knowing more about the situation, it's hard to provide any more critique.

    With all of the above being said, let me add the following:

    1. You may be speaking in the voice of a teenager who's speech patterns are already established (or that you are establishing). Will he/ she be the narrator throughout the story? If he/ she won't be, then you will need to be mindful of your syntax as you go from character to character. I often have the same problem.

    2. Ultimately, you are the artist! You have the clearest idea of what you want. Take advice where you can, but don't allow your own voice to be stifled.

    3. Thank you for posting. It takes courage to "hang your skin on a wall" for everyone to examine. All the best!

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