Love is a Game

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Thread: Love is a Game

  1. #1
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    Love is a Game

    Love never seems to come my way. I've read all the books and clicked through every website. Tried on every piece of eye candy clothing I own. But every situation is always the same. I go to the club wearing my hottest minidress. My thighs, sides, and back are exposed. The neckline is down near my belly button. I longingly glance at the guy across the bar and his face...twists in disgust.

    Why oh why can't I find the love I desire? Where has it hidden? My best friend Stefanie just got married and she's already been dating for years. A one night stand is all I ask. Just please stop the scowls and twisted gestures.

    It's a Friday night and I've finished work, gone home, taken a shower, and changed. I'm wearing my sexiest outfit, a high waisted school girl skirt, a white crop top that is just barely covering my breasts, and long white stockings that end inches before my skirt starts. My black pumps are so high I wobble at first, but get the hang of them after a few trips down the main hallway of my apartment.

    I admit I look more like a street girl than a club-goer but it's all in the fun I convince myself. I arrive at the club and trot through the door, my hips popping from side to side. Each step causes my skirt to get dangerously close to exposing my revealing underwear beneath, but I hope that does the trick.

    I hear a few whistles and a blissful smile crosses my face. I decide to make tonight a little fun. One guy walks up to me and asks if he can buy me a drink. Instead I reply with a smirk and a pucker of my lips. The next thing I know, I'm up against a wall with the man's hands running up and down my thighs, a sensation I have craved for so long.

    I end the kiss and walk away, knowing he won't be the last. Another guy asks if I wanna join him on his couch. I join him. I haven't had a drink tonight but am drunk on the sensation of love. I intend to make each guy luckier than the last. The man I am sitting with grabs my butt and I reach up his shirt to rub my hands along his abs, each kiss a coin in my jar. We part and I walk away.

    By the fifth guy I am up against a wall, each section of my body their playground, and theirs mine. I enjoy watching each guy while I walk away, the way their faces drop with sadness, but perk up at the next hottie who walks in. This club is a lottery and each guy bought a ticket.

    After ten guys I decide to pick the lucky man who gets to take me home. A wealthy looking older man walks up, his smile makes me want to hurl, yet also the way he gazes longingly at me, the way his tongue curls around his lips, makes me want to obey him.

    "Hey sweetheart, wanna join me at my suite?" He asks, his face drooling with excitement.

    "Sure baby," I reply, my tongue caressing my lips playfully.

    He grabs my hand and pulls me out of the club and hops in a limo down the street.

    "Hotel Waylin," He tells the driver, and chuckles when he sees my surprise. This man must be very wealthy, the Waylin is the nicest hotel in town. When we get to his penthouse suite he draws me to the wall, kissing me aggressively. I kiss him back, harder and harder. His hands run all over me, under my skirt and over my breasts still covered by the crop top.

    My shirt is off and so is his as I work to get his belt off and his pants. His shoving and rubbing is causing my heart to stop and my kisses to grow harder. We are on the softest bed in the world, but my mind is far from focused on the bed, it's on ways to get this guy to love me.

    When I wake up in the morning, I am still in the arms of my lover. In my head I ask myself: will it last? I guess I won't know for now, and I fall back asleep into the arms of my first success.

  2. #2

  3. #3
    This story has potential. I believe there are many lonely people out there who will gravitate to this. However, it is a good example of why I avoid first person narrative.


    Print the story. Read it again. Mark each occurrence of "I". Many readers find repetition distracting.


    You have so much more to work with in third person. One or more of the men could describe what they feel about her appearance. How she makes them long for her etc. Your limo driver could have a mental picture of what is happening in the back seat.


    In first person we don't even know her name.

    Keep writing!

  4. #4
    Quote Originally Posted by Jack Semmes View Post
    This story has potential. I believe there are many lonely people out there who will gravitate to this. However, it is a good example of why I avoid first person narrative.

    Print the story. Read it again. Mark each occurrence of "I". Many readers find repetition distracting.

    You have so much more to work with in third person. One or more of the men could describe what they feel about her appearance. How she makes them long for her etc. Your limo driver could have a mental picture of what is happening in the back seat.

    In first person we don't even know her name.

    Keep writing!
    Interesting. I mostly write in first person present, so I don't want to agree with your blanket criticism. But I also don't like this style of first-person present. Maybe it is just that the main character is talking to us, involving us in the "dialogue".

    "I admit.." Admit to who?

    "We are on the softest bed in the world, but my mind is far from focused on the bed" Um, if she is not thinking about the bed, why did she just comment on it?

    "but it's all in the fun I convince myself." To say she convinced herself implies that she still knows it isn't true.

    "In my head I ask myself: will it last?" In first person present, the narration can be just "Will it last?" and we know that is in the narrator's head.

    Having said that, we still probably get a better impression of the main character's personality from the first person present description. Talking to the reader is a style; some published books use it.

    I don't notice any repetition of "I". I do notice the confusion in third person when the two characters in a scene are both "he". But I am back to not liking the blanket criticism.

    Welcome to WF. Do you like to talk about issues like this?
    Last edited by EmmaSohan; March 13th, 2017 at 05:56 PM.
    How to write a good start: Hidden Content . Useful, original information. Long and thorough.
    Includes Hidden Content (do you start with description?), Hidden Content (a favorite with publishers apparently), starting with Hidden Content (a lost art), and more.

  5. #5
    Quote Originally Posted by HersheyKiss View Post
    I go to the club wearing my hottest minidress. My thighs, sides, and back are exposed. The neckline is down near my belly button. I longingly glance at the guy across the bar and his face...twists in disgust.
    This part makes me think there's something hideously wrong with the woman, or that she's actually a he. It seems unbelievable to me as the reader that she's all gussied up and the first reaction we hear, is a face twisting in disgust. Instead perhaps she's tried flirting at the grocery store or thrown hints at a jogger in a park who's paused for a breather. I imagine those scenarios are more likely for her to be rejected in closer to the manner described.

    Why oh why can't I find the love I desire? Where has it hidden? My best friend Stefanie just got married and she's already been dating for years. A one night stand is all I ask. Just please stop the scowls and twisted gestures.
    I like how this seems to hint at a spurring on of change for her. A friend getting married can be a huge life change, especially if it's a best friend. Our protagonist could very likely be hitting a life crisis of sorts watching a friend get something she herself has longed for.

    I hear a few whistles and a blissful smile crosses my face. I decide to make tonight a little fun. One guy walks up to me and asks if he can buy me a drink. Instead I reply with a smirk and a pucker of my lips. The next thing I know, I'm up against a wall with the man's hands running up and down my thighs, a sensation I have craved for so long.
    Just wanted to show where the disconnect appeared from the first paragraph. She's obviously pretty enough to gain attention now so there's got to be some kind of reason it wasn't happening before.

    Also, the idea behind 'craving for so long' makes you imagine she's experienced it before. But if she hasn't then I would include more hints of that. Unsurity, hesitation, sloppiness etc.

    "Sure baby," I reply, my tongue caressing my lips playfully.
    'Playfully' takes away from the read. I'd change up the sentence or remove it.

    Overall very interesting. It was a nice read. Just a few nit picks here and there from me since I'm still learning myself.
    Without temptation there can be no choice. Without a fall there can be no mercy.

  6. #6
    Quote Originally Posted by EmmaSohan View Post
    Interesting. I mostly write in first person present, so I don't want to agree with your blanket criticism.
    If you are comfortable with first person, I wish you success.

    "Show, don't tell". My personal experience has been first person is used to tell.

  7. #7
    Quote Originally Posted by Jack Semmes View Post
    If you are comfortable with first person, I wish you success.

    "Show, don't tell". My personal experience has been first person is used to tell.
    Thanks!

    We occasionally have show versus tell discussion here, and it never comes out simple. But your comment is interesting, I will think about it. First person present definitely allows some interesting shows. Also, depending on how you do first or third person, a third person narrator could say she was angry but didn't realize that. A first person narrator couldn't tell the anger, it would have to be shown.

    I think you would have a tough time doing shows on the feelings of the main character in the story above.
    How to write a good start: Hidden Content . Useful, original information. Long and thorough.
    Includes Hidden Content (do you start with description?), Hidden Content (a favorite with publishers apparently), starting with Hidden Content (a lost art), and more.

  8. #8
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    It reminds me of a line from a song: "I am too sexy for my love, too sexy for my love, love's going to leave me!"
    It feels that in the end, she got lucky. But I am not sure the entire time that what she wants and what she needs is the same thing - it's as if her Moon squares Venus, astrologically speaking She's got a rather conflicting personality... which is generally good for a story. She dolls up for men, she makes out with men, but there is this air around her - tired, but not yet satisfied. The entire story, she is constantly looking, and I am not sure she will get whatever she wants. She is very insecure and sexually imbalanced. It's good to have a character that one can talk so much about...

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