Short Scene (470 words) - Page 3


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Thread: Short Scene (470 words)

  1. #21
    Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2015
    Location
    Somewhere in the Black Forest
    Posts
    32
    Hey!
    Nice little story. It reminded me of Lovecraft's "The Beast In The Cave". Have you read a lot of Lovecraft stuff? At times your style reminds me of his work (in a positive way of course). The image of the monsters work. What I'd suggest though is to invest more time in building the setting. If you hadn't mentioned before that the action takes place in a cave, I wouldn't have known. Describing the surroundings could make the reader feel even more uncomfortable. Keep writing!

    Best, Björn

  2. #22
    I am very curious to find out what these creatures are. If they have a human-like appearance, I assumed they were intelligent beings as well. Though you didn't add a description about the setting, I immediately imagined this taking place in another world in a jungle/forest environment. This scene made me want to know about the outside world. Looking forward to the next piece!

  3. #23
    I liked it a lot. There was one thing I noticed, you seemed to use many of the same words in the starting of your sentences such as "I" or "It". Idk if anyone noticed, but the first thing I did when I looked at it was see a bunch of the letters "I" for every sentence. But it was great to read and interesting.. Just saying what I noticed incase it helps any. Have fun.
    “Believe you can and you're halfway there.
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  4. #24
    That was a good piece. The story you are working on sounds interesting. I hope you post more of it later.

  5. #25
    Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2015
    Location
    Hampshire, UK
    Posts
    15
    Good stuff. You nailed the flow and pace of the writing, I never found myself going back to re-read a sentence, would love to see some more of this.

  6. #26
    Personally, I would go with humanoid rather than the more unwieldy human like, human-like, or humanlike JMHO... Enjoyed the piece.
    Her: I love my computer! All of my friends are in there!
    Me: Yeah, I was thinking the same thing about my freezer...
    Her: What?
    Me: What?

  7. #27
    Fantastic scene! I found my self wanting to know more about them and were they were taking him.

    One thing I would think about. "What meagre energy I had left was no match for my captors, who were now closing in on me, crowding me" Now my thoughts are pertaining to, "closing in on me, crowding me." It might just be me, and I am a total and complete novice. However it feels like you are simply saying the same thing twice but with different words. Maybe describe how they were crowding him.

    Closing in on me, surrounding me on all sides. Quickly they were upon me and I found my self in the middle of a great throng of them.

  8. #28
    I agree with some of the others, not really fond of the "Du-DUM, Du-DUM, Du-DUM" part, I feel like it downgrades the tension of your piece.

    Other than that it was a great read. Good luck

  9. #29
    I liked it a lot and I understand that the "Du-DUM" part may seems out of place, but I found it a nice touch. Made me think of the rush that comes with fear.

    Also I would enjoy reading more of it. So please let me know if you continue writing this story. Good luck in your future endeavours.

  10. #30
    I'm going to repeat what others have said and just say I really get a Lovecraftian vibe from this and I love it!
    I disagree on not liking the heartbeat, I think it adds a bit of a personal touch. Or... well, it's hard to describe, but it definitely makes me emphasize with the character more. It might just be me, but I envision them as someone from a rather haughty upbringing, thrown into whatever horror this is (okay I admit it, I was sort of visualizing Jane from Tarzan...), and the heartbeat thing just kinda brought home the mood for me. I think maybe it needs to be separated though, whether on a different line or as its own paragraph or whatever.

    ANYWAY, other than that, I don't have much to say really.

    I'm very excited to see where you take this!

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