March 2015 - LM - Re-imagined Fairy Tale SCORES - Page 4


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Thread: March 2015 - LM - Re-imagined Fairy Tale SCORES

  1. #31
    WF Veteran W.Goepner's Avatar
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    Dear Judges,

    I truly apologize for the mess this entry was in. I could go into a very long explanation, but the truth be known, I thought I was getting it in just before the deadline and did not do more than a quick once over. It is an insult to you, to drop dribble on you like that, all because I thought the contest would close two days later.

    Folcro, first; I am sorry, I did one of the cardinal sins of this forum. I posted before I fully proofed. I was so excited about this piece being possibly the only entry I hit post way too soon. I actually did write it in the challenge room, then submitted it.

    Two things I would like to comment on, in this sentence: "...staying quiet so as not to alert man and his wolfs to her presents" One is wolfs, Yes it should be Wolves, even though I was trying to give the read from her perspective, I should have used correct wording. Second is Presents, I hate spell checker some times. I was attempting to spell presence, and somehow managed to click on the wrong one. No excuses, I know. Even so seeing it as you show it to me I have to laugh at how dumb I made myself look.


    Guy, You are too kind to take such time to give me corrections, on an entry which was hastily put together and thrown out for you to look at. I ask forgiveness for being so eager to get a piece in before taking the time to properly proof it.


    Amsawtel, You also are too kind to a person who pulled such a foolish maneuver.

    "I do not recognize the fairy tale this is based on..." Well, are you familiar with Goldilocks and the Three Bears.? It was the only story I could focus on. Instead of placing her in a human house and such I did what I did. I hope that clears it for you.

    You are right, being happy in a enclosure in a zoo, does not fit into a real life bears Idea of happiness, but this was a fairy tale of sorts and I chose a happy ever after.

    Bruno, You have embarrassed me. Thank you for your kind words of encouragement. You seem to be the only one catch on, or at least the only to mention the twist on Goldilocks.

    The barriers, being chain link fencing, I had a hard time trying to figure out how to make it understandable and short. Most fences Golden Fur had seen, would have been barbed wire or wooden rail fencing, at least in my area of the woods. Thus a chain link would be very unusual for her.

    All Judges, Thank you so very much for taking the time to read and comment on my piece. The fact that each of you touch on the same specifics in my errors, tells me I am now narrowing it down a bit. I now have consistent reactions to my errors therefore I can see I am improving.

    Thank you all once more.
    My friends and family call me Bill, you may also.Hidden Content

    When people meet people,
    Potential Strangers, Acquaintances, Friends.

    When dogs meet people,
    Potential Friends, Acquaintances, Strangers.

    I would rather be the Dog.

    It takes only,
    A second to meet,
    A moment to know,
    A Lifetime to forget.


    A word without thought can destroy.
    Please remember to think before you speak.

  2. #32
    Although I did not participate in this challenge, I just want to thank everyone who did. I have read the entries and the critiques and it confirms that I am in the right place (I'm a fairly new member). Until recently, my scribblings have only been seen by the eyes of friends or acquaintances and English tutors or examiners (just to GCSE level - 16 years of age to my non-UK friends). The former might be concerned at offending me and the latter are paid to encourage or mark papers.
    I desire more than this.

  3. #33
    Quote Originally Posted by Zeynith View Post
    I probably wouldn't have submitted at all if I hadn't wasted so much time on it. I liked the prompt and wanted to try something different, but I think I have learned my lesson.
    I was worried that you might take this road. Please continue to submit! The judging can be harsh but I have seen so many writers improve through this process. I think you have what it takes to do this competition (I think all of our members have what it takes) and I look forward to judging another of your works some time down the road. Don't give up because your first attempt wasn't successful.

    That goes for everyone else too. I know that as judges we can be harsh and that critiques can hurt but they really will help you improve. Please remember that nothing any of us say is out of malice or spite.

  4. #34
    You guys should see how I scored the first time. I sucked. Take what you think will help and ignore what won't. You'll get better.

    "Life is a risk; so is writing. You have to love it." ~ Richard Matheson

  5. #35
    This was my first attempt as well. I appreciate the judges taking the time to critique my work.

    It was a serious critique to point out some serious flaws. If I did not have that to look at, I wouldn't have the opportunity to improve. Sure, it can be daunting at times to read a judge's post about what was lacking or how some part was clunky or altogether unnecessary. But I think that is the nature of the system. We can't have good honest criticism without running the risk of getting our feathers ruffled.

    Personally, I am thankful to the judges, I congratulate the winners, and I plan to study the judges' critiques of my work so I can get better and WIN THIS THING someday. =D>
    You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. -Maya Angelou

  6. #36

    Folcro.




    Family Feud
    Bazz Cargo

    Grammar: 4
    Voice: 4
    Effect: 6
    Total: 14

    There was clunk: I Tarzan, king of jungle.
    (Ouch, bang to rights).

    said her werewolf general: Is he her general of the werewolves, or a general who happens to be a werewolf? I'm of the impression it's the latter, but the mentioning that he's a werewolf seemed forced. If you made it "said the werewolf general" (thereby changing the meaning which you might not want), I feel it would have went smoother down my gullet (Or, now having read ahead, "said General Wolfy").


    (Hmmmm... Consistency is required as well as precision. General who was/is a werewolf...).

    She brushed some invisible soot off her jet black cat suit: I like this line--- it gets me to thinking how she saw it if it blends in so well and why she would dust it if there's only going to be more. It's character development done competently: with nuance.


    (I think it was Leyline who helped me realise a hint is worth more than a truckload).

    The trees hid the activity: Oh I've been there.

    Each time you throw the word "complicated" in this piece, I feel you could have described the complication instead (a howl with many notes or warrens with many halls and chambers).

    piercing rockets set to enter the softer rears: ...I've been there too.

    Only to be expected, she will be hunted down”: This is grammatically correct, so no points deducted for it, but I if I'm interpreting her correctly, that should have been a period instead of a comma.

    Good writing, but I think you had more going here than service to a punch line. I think, with a little more description (which you were well within the boundaries of accomplishing) and perhaps an alternate conclusion (to the punch line) this could have been more than a cool little story. But it was a cool little story.


    (This was running away from me, so I had to stop it somewhere somehow).


    Thanks Folcro, a very helpful report.
    Guy Faukes.



    bazz cargo
    Family Feud”
    SPaG 3.5/5
    Tone 4/5
    Effect: 6.5
    Overall: 14

    A high octane entry where Snow White is going on the offensive by kicking [email protected]# and taking names? Sweet…

    A few nits/thoughts:
    “wave of armour piercing rockets set to enter the softer rears.” – could use stronger terms here, like penetrating, exploded upon, etc… I guess it can all be taken lewdly, however…
    “A thousand of the best warriors the land could provide were trained specially for the assault.” – for which side?
    “Until then I will see what else I can get off Ebay.”- So it was all a video game? Or all of this war equipment was available on a bidding site?

    There were some grammar issues:
    “then sharpened the the other end” - repetition
    “The trees hid the[ir?] activity[.]”
    “Dwarf miners dug complicated underground warrens[.] [T]his was where they were putting down the line.”

    There was quite a bit more room, and I would’ve loved more characterization of the castle they attacked, the enemies themselves, a sense of overall plot cohesion and urgency in the battles they engaged in. I wanted to give this a higher score, but it all just happens so fast. It wetted the appetite and almost did not appease. Finally, there were a few chances that were missed to use references to the original work (e.g. directly using the Dwarves from the original), unfortunately.

    Still, it was an enjoyable ride. Thank you.
    (This started off as a gag and rapidly went off on its own way. I'm even making notes as if I were considering making it into a novel. The base of this story is a report on TV about some guy who had bought a WWII tank off of ebay. The rest was innuendo and tap dancing).


    Thanks Guy, you have given me a lot to think about.


    Amsawtel.



    Family Feud
    Bazz Cargo
    SPaG: 4/5
    Tone: 4/5
    Effect: 7/10
    Overall: 15/20

    I like how light and flippant Snow comes across. This is a girl who knows what she wants and feels she deserves it. The characters are strongly depicted and are interesting. I enjoyed how you played with common fairy-tales to give us something new.

    . . . then sharpened the the other end, stacks and stacks they made. Dwarf miners dug complicated underground warrens, this was where they were putting down the line. . .”
    There’s an extra “the” in the first sentence here. I also believe that the comma can be replaced by a colon.

    ( I like this Snow White. The more I think about this the more something is brewing...).


    Thanks Ams, it is good to know I'm getting my characters across.



    Bruno Spatola





    Family Feud
    by Bazz Cargo

    SPaG: 3.5
    Tone & Voice: 5
    Effect: 7
    Overall: 15.5

    A smile-worthy mish-mash of nonsense. I could leave it at that, I'm sure – it's an apt description – but I must elaborate.

    Quirkiness aside, that middle scene with the witches whizzing around was actually very well done. Energetic, and a delight to imagine. There could be something more hidden beneath the humour – I see it. If Bill Willingham's Fables series is the dark, serious alternative to our beloved fairytales, then I could see you penning the light-hearted, "What on Earth?" parallel to that. More in the vein of Shrek, I guess, but Englishy.

    Donning my critical monocle: it's too short. There's a lot of character and ideas here, but none are fleshy enough to get a decent bite out of. Snow White, the leader of this movement – whatever it is – isn't really dimensional enough to have her own mass. She's there, yet has little effect on the words, much like the other characters. What's happening is the focus, and it's fun, but the faces behind them don't matter. Various creatures and figures of folklore pop out and say, "peek-a-boo," but these come across as fleeting cameos, without the meat and potatoes to back them up, if that makes sense.

    "Thin" is how best to describe it, though I won't deny my enjoyment outweighed all of that.

    That final line made me laugh, I must admit. I've heard a hundred Ebay jokes, but yours caught my funny bone off guard, making me groan, giggle, and lean back with shame all at once. Quite a reaction, I'm sure you'll agree. It rounded off the ridiculousness nicely.

    Thanks for the read!

    (A very sharp and incisive report. My reliance on cliché is overcooked).


    Thanks Bruno. Some very handy pointers.



    You're like the forum's quirky uncle, and your piece explains why perfectly. It was good to see you in the competition again.
    (I always look for a sideways approach to writing).


    To the judging team; I get a lot of useful help from the LM judging teams, but this time you have excelled yourselves, thank you.


    Congratulations to M cull, Joshyobo and JJ Maxx.


    Tough round this time, and I don't see them getting any easier, all the entrants provided good and solid work. I know the technical side is an important part of the process, but imagination is key, and every entrant has displayed they have a good set of keys.


    Well done everyone.

  7. #37
    Creative Area Specialist (Fiction) Folcro's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by W.Goepner View Post
    Folcro, first; I am sorry, I did one of the cardinal sins of this forum. I posted before I fully proofed. I was so excited about this piece being possibly the only entry I hit post way too soon. I actually did write it in the challenge room, then submitted it.

    Two things I would like to comment on, in this sentence: "...staying quiet so as not to alert man and his wolfs to her presents" One is wolfs, Yes it should be Wolves, even though I was trying to give the read from her perspective, I should have used correct wording. Second is Presents, I hate spell checker some times. I was attempting to spell presence, and somehow managed to click on the wrong one. No excuses, I know. Even so seeing it as you show it to me I have to laugh at how dumb I made myself look.
    You took it like a man, Mr. Goepner, and I appreciate that. It's important to understand that I understand this is not a reflection of your writing. One of the reasons I can be so reticent with my own work is that when I mess up, I mess up spectacularly. I can also understand getting dates confused. The important thing is that you do realize the importance of proofreading, which you seem to (unfortunate misunderstanding with the deadline in seems)--- I'm actually lenient when it comes to grammar, and it can be an important five points coming from me.
    For any who are wondering...

    Show: Stephanie's eyes rose and her lips curved down as Melanie ambled through with intentional grace. Men's eyes widened ablaze; Stephanie's narrowed in darkness. Her snarling lips caressed the edge of her glass.

    Tell: Stephanie was jealous of Melanie.

  8. #38
    Quote Originally Posted by amsawtell View Post
    I was worried that you might take this road. Please continue to submit! The judging can be harsh but I have seen so many writers improve through this process. I think you have what it takes to do this competition (I think all of our members have what it takes) and I look forward to judging another of your works some time down the road. Don't give up because your first attempt wasn't successful.

    That goes for everyone else too. I know that as judges we can be harsh and that critiques can hurt but they really will help you improve. Please remember that nothing any of us say is out of malice or spite.
    Thanks for your encouragement, and taking the time to judge and reply. My issue really wasn't with the score or the comments, as I mentioned they didn't bother me. (SPaG are huge weakness for me so no shock there.) The problem was I wasn't proud of it, and felt it was far from my best work. That is what I want the judges to look at and tear apart, because that is how you grow. The hack job my story became after cuts was bare minimum plot to establish the story, that was all. It's mostly my fault for picking a slightly obscure story, that I wasn't sure people would know what was happening if I didn't tell the whole thing, but after spending so much time trying to make it work I didn't want to try to come up with another idea. I now wish I had followed my first instinct and not submitted what I knew was subpar, and apologize to the judges for forcing you to read it. Maybe I will try again later, but I don't know.

  9. #39
    Zey, I don't think your story was terrible. I really hope you join again.

  10. #40
    Just wanted to say thanks to all the judges, and congrats to the winners.

    Folcro, I have a horrible feeling that style of prose *is* my own - I really need to do something to pull away from it!

    Mr Faukes, sorry it didn't work for you - but I guess writing won't always work for everyone. A "light reworking of Rapunzel" is about right: someone trapped in a tower who can only escape by letting their hair down.

    AmsawtelL, you have me bang to rights on "him" vs "he". I think I felt that "he" flowed better, but it's entirely incorrect so I should never have countenanced it. However, I'm standing by "focussed" - I think it's more used in British English than American, but it's definitely in the dictionary with two esses. (Scrumpled: I fully believe writers should be able to make up words. Shakespeare did it all the time. )

    Bruno: yeah, it's very lightly tied to Rapunzel - like I said above, someone trapped in a tower till they let their hair down. And I agree, Ralph Unzl is a poor, poor pun. Once I had it, though, it wouldn't let me go.

    Thanks again all.

    Oh, my new favourite phrase ever that I mentioned in the coffee shop: '"Knickers!" swore Snow'. That's exactly how a gun wielding, leather clad fairy superheroine should swear! Thanks, Bazz!
    Last edited by shinyford; April 4th, 2015 at 10:54 AM.
    "Ideas may seem like gold nuggets, but they're more like seeds. You have to plant them, water them, weed them, nurture them, and watch them grow. Every seed will turn out differently depending on whose garden it lands in." Nickleby, 14/6/2013

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