First Kiss - Exercise, very short


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Thread: First Kiss - Exercise, very short

  1. #1
    Member LOLeah's Avatar
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    First Kiss - Exercise, very short

    I've been doing some romance writing exercises, as I plan to incorporate some romantic and sexual themes into my historical fiction/fantasy novel. This type of writing is where I am most unsure of myself, as it is not my main focus, so I could really use some feedback. This is just an exercise I did, for clarification purposes this is the first physically romantic encounter between the characters and happens during a staged fight, my male character is teaching my female character to defend herself with no weapons. I realize the dual POV is unusual but I don't know, I think it could work? Any insight on that or any other critique would be really helpful.

    "Her last manuever brought her in front of him, totally vulnerable, and without his quickness of reflexes to stop what she knew was coming. The rest of his body still as a statue, his arm shot out. She attempted to deflect it but was too late and too weak. His right hand was at her throat and he pushed her violently backwards, stopping his momentum just before her impact with the stone of the wall behind her. He then pinned her gently but assertively and his fingers curled ever so slightly around her neck, applying just enough pressure to ascertain that in a real fight she would at this moment be defeated, unable to move without him crushing her windpipe.

    Her breath was coming in gasps after the struggle and there was hair in her face and sweat on her brow. He was breathing heavily through his nose but not even winded enough to be panting as she was, the bastard. His fingers had loosened but his hand was still at her throat. She tilted her head back to rest against the wall and gave him a sheepish half smile and raised one eyebrow. She brought one hand up to rest on the arm still holding her prisoner and used the other to wipe the sweaty strands out of her face so she could meet his eyes. What she saw there gave her a jolt that wasn't quite fear.

    He didn't know what he was doing. Staring at her neck had occupied him to distraction on more than one occassion. He had never before been so captivated by this particiular part of a woman. He admired the swell of their breasts, the curve of their hips under their gowns and imagined the rest in vulgar detail but never had he been so interested in the always visible, smooth, white skin of a throat or the delicate line of bones, so innocently feminine. He found himself relaxing his grip but keeping his hand on her and taking a step closer, to where their bodies were a mere inch apart. He had to look directly down to see his hand descend and begin to trace the ridges and hollows of her collarbone with his fingertips.

    Chancing a look at her face, there was surprise and a cautious question there but no distaste and that was enough encouragement for him. Before he lost the nerve to do something he had thought about for months, he brought his hand up to cup her face. He brushed his thumb over her bottom lip, still parted from her upper in breathlessness, and with one last look into her eyes, searching for any sign of fear or uncertainty and finding none, he bent his head and kissed her."
    Last edited by LOLeah; April 11th, 2015 at 01:09 PM.

  2. #2
    Oh~

    I like this, very detailed and quick with actions and emotions. The intensity of the situation is very alluring, and I think that's the main thing you need for that sort of scene, for the reader to feel the heat of the engagement. I also think the dual POV is a good choice to relay the feelings on both sides. Definitely in a emotional sequence like this where facial expressions and actions are just barely enough, a dual POV can be excused, maybe even encouraged- nice job.

    Honestly I wouldn't change a thing. The writing looks tight to me and there's not really anything I'd want changed. Very sexy~

  3. #3
    Member LOLeah's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by KellInkston View Post
    Oh~

    I like this, very detailed and quick with actions and emotions. The intensity of the situation is very alluring, and I think that's the main thing you need for that sort of scene, for the reader to feel the heat of the engagement. I also think the dual POV is a good choice to relay the feelings on both sides. Definitely in a emotional sequence like this where facial expressions and actions are just barely enough, a dual POV can be excused, maybe even encouraged- nice job.

    Honestly I wouldn't change a thing. The writing looks tight to me and there's not really anything I'd want changed. Very sexy~
    Thank you so much! This is actually the first piece of anything I have ever submitted for critique so I was really nervous. Lol Even though I was just playing around with romance writing and haven't even started my book yet I had my 2 main characters of my novel in mind when I wrote this. And I worried that the intensity wouldn't come across because the reader is missing the rest of the story which includes a pretty slow and cautious build of their relationship. I'm so pleased it was effective, thank you again.

  4. #4
    Gladly- I understand where you're coming from; being nervous about the excerpt and all. I've had a few times people couldn't get into my writing due to the lack of investment. I'm sure that, if the kiss scene is this good, you've likely built up the tension between these two characters for a little while now, so that would make it even better.

    Again, great job~

  5. #5
    i do enjoy a short piece without dialogue..liked
    The only one who can heal you is you.




  6. #6
    Member Sonata's Avatar
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    I remember my first kiss. It was on a boat on Regent's Park Lake in London.

    And I dropped the camera in the water.

    Father was not pleased because it was his camera.
    If you talk to a cat they look at you as if you are way below their intelligence to even listen.
    However, when you talk to a dog they look at you with such admiration and really do seem to understand what you are saying.
    Even if it is a bit silly...
    ...they still think you are wonderful.


  7. #7
    I thought this was excellent.

    A really small thing, you lost me on "he admired the swell". I thought you were talking about her. I think if you had said "He had admired the swell" all problems are solved.

    Still small, a period after vulgar detail?
    Looking for people to beta a chapter or more of my book Modern Punctuation and Grammar: Tools for Better Writing. Go Hidden Content
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  8. #8
    Member LOLeah's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by EmmaSohan View Post
    I thought this was excellent.

    A really small thing, you lost me on "he admired the swell". I thought you were talking about her. I think if you had said "He had admired the swell" all problems are solved.

    Still small, a period after vulgar detail?
    You're right. I wanted to convey that he noticed things about her he didn't in other women but I can see where that might cause a pause/confusion.

    And right about the period too, unnecessarily long sentences are my kryptonite. Lol Thank you.

  9. #9
    I've never tried my hand at writing romance scenes, but this is pretty good. I would, however, consider replacing the word "prone" with something like "vulnerable".

    "Her last maneuver brought her in front of him, totally prone, and without his quickness of reflexes to stop what she knew was coming."

    A
    s used in relation to body position, prone typically describes someone who is lying face down.

  10. #10
    Her last manuever brought her in front of him, totally prone, and without his quickness of reflexes to stop what she knew was coming.

    DemonKnight is right. "Prone" means she was laying face down on the ground in front of him. Tell me how any of the rest of the story happens with her starting in that position. Also, "prone" is not a word to take an adverb like "totally"; either you're prone or not, you can't be partially prone. Fix that, then I'll critique the rest.
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