First Kiss - Exercise, very short - Page 3

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Thread: First Kiss - Exercise, very short

  1. #21
    I read somewhere that over time, some of the corrections that you make during revisions become muscle memory (brain muscle that is) so that you autocorrect as you write the first draft. I loved hearing that! It gave me hope

    You're right. I'm too verbose and I know efficiency is a problem, you're not the only person to note it and even if you were I am humble enough to see the truth in it. I was recently told by someone else to completely forget everything I think I know about adverbs. LOL As an amateur it just gets discouraging sometimes, when the list of things I don't know piles high. But we all have to start somewhere, right?
    ETA: But to be clear, I'll always have to revise. I will just do some of it as I go naturally in the first draft.

  2. #22
    Quote Originally Posted by TKent View Post
    I read somewhere that over time, some of the corrections that you make during revisions become muscle memory (brain muscle that is) so that you autocorrect as you write the first draft. I loved hearing that! It gave me hope

    ETA: But to be clear, I'll always have to revise. I will just do some of it as I go naturally in the first draft.
    That's about how I edit...right as I go along.
    John Oberon
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  3. #23
    Quote Originally Posted by LOLeah View Post
    You're right. I'm too verbose and I know efficiency is a problem, you're not the only person to note it and even if you were I am humble enough to see the truth in it. I was recently told by someone else to completely forget everything I think I know about adverbs. LOL As an amateur it just gets discouraging sometimes, when the list of things I don't know piles high. But we all have to start somewhere, right?

    The characters involved here are from a novel I'm working on...after months of research because it's historical fiction and I only have like 5k words so far and this scene is far ahead of me. I wanted to play around with the love story a bit and now I'm glad I did. But his uncertainty makes more sense with the rest of the story in place but now that you mention it, he really isn't that type of guy. SO since this scene is just an idea right now it will definitely be completely rewritten and I will be keeping your advice in mind.
    Visit Hammer & Tongs on my website and read "About Hammer & Tongs". That'll put some horsepower in your writing right away, baby.
    John Oberon
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  4. #24
    Hi LOLeah!

    I dug this. Lots of sexual tension there. It's a great mini scene. I can see a lot of romance readers furiously turning the page to find out what happens next.

    Rivet your Readers with Deep POV
    , as TKent mentioned, offers some great instruction on how to erase that pesky invisible narrator that appears in so many third-person stories, if you're interested.

    For example, this passage of yours:

    He didn't know what he was doing. Staring at her neck had occupied him to distraction on more than one occassion. He had never before been so captivated by this particiular part of a woman. He admired the swell of their breasts, the curve of their hips under their gowns and imagined the rest in vulgar detail but never had he been so interested in the always visible, smooth, white skin of a throat or the delicate line of bones, so innocently feminine.

    Here we have an invisible narrator who's relaying the internal state of the male character to the reader. But who is this invisible narrator, and do we even need him/her at all? Deep POV strives to eliminate this authorial voice by painting the narration with the voice of the character instead.

    For example (rewriting the above passage in deep POV):

    Before he knew it he was . . . what was he doing, exactly? Other than staring at her neck? That smooth, vulnerable slope of pale skin. It sure wasn't his first time looking at this part of her, either. But like this? Never before had he been so captivated by this particiular part in a woman. The swell of their breasts, sure. The curve of their hips under their gowns. Hell, he'd spent enough time imagining the rest in vulgar detail, but never had he been so interested in a goddamned throat.

    See how Deep POV sounds like the narration comes from the character, instead of being about the character?

    Deep POV basically means you don't write in the voice of yourself (the author) anymore. Your third-person narration, instead, gets filtered through the voice of the POV character.

    So, if that style of writing interests you, check out the book that TKent mentioned!

    Also, if you're interested in writing romance with a head-hopping style, you might want to check out some fiction by Nora Roberts. She's made a career out of writing this way—and she's one of the most successful authors in the world.
    Last edited by Kyle R; April 24th, 2015 at 01:16 AM.

  5. #25
    Member aggieamy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by LOLeah View Post
    I've been doing some romance writing exercises, as I plan to incorporate some romantic and sexual themes into my historical fiction/fantasy novel. This type of writing is where I am most unsure of myself, as it is not my main focus, so I could really use some feedback. This is just an exercise I did, for clarification purposes this is the first physically romantic encounter between the characters and happens during a staged fight, my male character is teaching my female character to defend herself with no weapons. I realize the dual POV is unusual but I don't know, I think it could work? Any insight on that or any other critique would be really helpful.

    "Her last manuever brought her in front of him, totally vulnerable, and without his quickness of reflexes to stop what she knew was coming. The rest of his body still as a statue, his arm shot out. She attempted to deflect it but was too late and too weak. His right hand was at her throat and he pushed her violently backwards, stopping his momentum just before her impact with the stone of the wall behind her. He then pinned her gently but assertively and his fingers curled ever so slightly around her neck, applying just enough pressure to ascertain that in a real fight she would at this moment be defeated, unable to move without him crushing her windpipe.

    Her breath was coming in gasps after the struggle and there was hair in her face and sweat on her brow. He was breathing heavily through his nose but not even winded enough to be panting as she was, the bastard. His fingers had loosened but his hand was still at her throat. She tilted her head back to rest against the wall and gave him a sheepish half smile and raised one eyebrow. She brought one hand up to rest on the arm still holding her prisoner and used the other to wipe the sweaty strands out of her face so she could meet his eyes. What she saw there gave her a jolt that wasn't quite fear.

    He didn't know what he was doing. Staring at her neck had occupied him to distraction on more than one occassion. He had never before been so captivated by this particiular part of a woman. He admired the swell of their breasts, the curve of their hips under their gowns and imagined the rest in vulgar detail but never had he been so interested in the always visible, smooth, white skin of a throat or the delicate line of bones, so innocently feminine. He found himself relaxing his grip but keeping his hand on her and taking a step closer, to where their bodies were a mere inch apart. He had to look directly down to see his hand descend and begin to trace the ridges and hollows of her collarbone with his fingertips.

    Chancing a look at her face, there was surprise and a cautious question there but no distaste and that was enough encouragement for him. Before he lost the nerve to do something he had thought about for months, he brought his hand up to cup her face. He brushed his thumb over her bottom lip, still parted from her upper in breathlessness, and with one last look into her eyes, searching for any sign of fear or uncertainty and finding none, he bent his head and kissed her."
    Overall - loved it. The descriptions felt sexy and I wanted to read more.

    Specific comments - I'm a newbie so take that into consideration when reading my comments.
    *I thought the first sentence was too clunky. I don't know exactly what was wrong with it but I had to read it through twice to understand what it was saying.
    *"He was breathing heavily through his nose but not even winded enough to be panting as she was, the bastard." - Talking about him breathing through his nose sounds a bit strange. I understand what you are going for but the nose is not a sexy body part so I was taken out of the story to think ... Ha. Noses are not sexy.
    *I like his internal thoughts and "He admired the swell of their breasts, the curve of their hips under their gowns and imagined the rest in vulgar detail but never had he been so interested in the always visible, smooth, white skin of a throat or the delicate line of bones, so innocently feminine." is an awesome sentence!

    ETA - I see you're in Lawrence. I'm in Overland Park. We're neighbors!

  6. #26
    Wow! Let me just start by saying I do read a lot of romance novels and this is up there with the best. This is really interesting because they are in the middle of fighting then it becomes intimate. It seems like these two have encountered each other before. The great thing about romance is the uncertainty and the thrill of taking that chance. This sounds like a great beginning to a hot sex scene or maybe she gets away and leaves him wanting until they meet again.
    The level of detail in your writing is amazing. I could visualize the entire scene like a tv show in HD.
    Keep it up!

  7. #27
    I think there were two levels of personal experience on show here. You wrote the familiar desire and physical attraction well. I enjoyed that part and could have imagined at some point thinking those things. The violence however was a little off. I didn't feel that it was authentic but then not many people have actually been strangled and pushed against a wall. I guess its hard to imagine and write something so primitive without having lived it. (not suggesting you get yourself into that position by the way)
    I guess I would have to ask for advice on how those kind of things feel.

    A game of two halves that I enjoyed all the same.

  8. #28
    I thoroughly enjoyed reading your exercise, one thing I noticed was that most sentences started with "He" or "She". Obviously this would be reduced in a proper context because the characters would have names but perhaps rearranging some of the sentences so that the action or emotion is first before the pronoun would let the reader sink further in, it would also allow some of the shorter sentences to be combined so it was a little less stop start.

    I echo your sentiments on being unsure in writing these sorts of scenes, quite often I skip writing them entirely because I find myself so cringeworthy!

  9. #29
    Very descriptive to there actions ^^ The ending is kind of simple though, were he bent his head and kissed her.

  10. #30
    Member Apex Predator's Avatar
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    Very heated emotion and well written sentences.

    I enjoyed this very much and even got a bit revved up with some tender emotions.

    Keep it up!

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