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Thread: Sleepless-661 words

  1. #11
    Content Manager Ptolemy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jack Semmes View Post
    I must disagree with some of the others. I liked this, and found nothing needing change.


    I have a three part test for good fiction.
    1. Does the reader see the story visually in their minds eye? Yes, I did.
    2. Does the reader think of your characters as real people? I did.
    3. Does the reader want to read to the end of the piece, to see what happens? Yes


    Keep up the good writing.
    Usually I dislike necroposts like this, but it honestly it brought up a very interesting and complex story.
    "He slides into second with a stand-up double." - Jerry Coleman
    "Yet today I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of this earth." - Lou Gehrig
    "After Jackie Robinson, the most important black in baseball history is Reggie Jackson." - Reggie Jackson
    "Your Holiness, I'm Joe Medwick. I, too, used to be a Cardinal." - Joe Medwick to Pope Pius XII
    "I think Tim Wakefield would even say tonight that Tim Wakefield got to Tim Wakefield tonight." - Tim McCarver

  2. #12
    I really enjoyed your story! It was pretty creative and fresh.

  3. #13
    I rolled over on I think onto might make more sense than on. my right shoulder and looked at the clock on my nightstand. 2:42 AM. It's been three hours now. Maybe it won't happen tonight. I turned back to the left. Freddie was lying on her back like always. Otherwise her shoulders would hurt. She's pretty You could take the word pretty out. warm blooded, so she doesn't wear anything or have blankets on the bed. She still has a sheet, but always throws it off in her sleep, so I admire the view.


    Her long red hair flowed underneath and around her. She dyes it this dark shade, so it always looks different depending on the light. She's pretty pale, but she has quite a few freckles. Something I've always loved. She's pretty athletic, but still weighs more than me. Something she's always hated. But I, on the other hand, didn't mind it. Her slow breath pushed her chest up and down. I could sit here all night.
    I would change up the sentence a bit here as most sentences beginning the same way with her or she. It might help to use some metaphors like her skin is as white as the snow her hair was the color of red wine etc.

    She took in a sharp, shaky breath. There it is. She always breathes through her nose. Now she panted, faster with each moment that passed.

    "Freddie?" I said. No response. Here we go. Normally, someone might be pretty scared by this. Think she had a stroke or something, became a vegetable. I knew better though.

    I did the same thing I always do. Turn on the lights. Cover her back up. She doesn't move a muscle. I felt her pulse. Her heart was pounding. I tug at her eyes to open them. She looks at me. She can still move her eyes. Hear, feel. She told me what to do.

    I followed her eyes, and walked around the room, waved my arms around, and all above her. I looked in the closet, out the window, and out into the hallway. A little deal we had when this happens. I break the illusion. Help her be less afraid.

    "See? Nobody." I say, being sure to smile. I sat back down beside her, and pulled her up into my lap. I closed my arms around her. "Nothing is going to hurt you." I say. "Not while I'm here." Slowly, she relaxed. Her breathing slowed down. Her pulse got softer and softer. I closed her eyes, and held her until I was sure she was asleep.

    I watched TV and kept an eye on her. At seven I went downstairs, to the kitchen. I made her breakfast. She doesn't usually eat much, but she likes omelets. I always make her a small one. I had just started the coffee when I heard her footsteps come down the stairs and to the doorway.

    She had just thrown on one of my old band shirts. Sleeping With Sirens. It was long enough but I still saw most of her legs. She frowned at me, like usual. She isn't a morning person.

    "Come on sleeping beauty. Cheer up. You're still alive, right?" I said with a grin. She stayed quiet. Like usual.

    "So, who was it this time? Creepy old dude? Faceless white guy in a suit? Some Japanese girl? Oh, no, don't tell me! The clown! No? The guy with that smiley mask?"

    "No." Freddie said. “Nothing that bad, this time.”

    I laughed. "Oh really? That's odd. Normally I almost have to punch the air to get you to calm down. I thought it was too easy.”

    "Yeah. You must've just been really quick. I guess it makes a difference. Glad you were paying attention.” It’s hard to read her emotion here she seems upset and he being mean.

    "If you're glad about something I did, there are two words in English for that."

    She huffed. "Thank you."

    "You're welcome." I said.

    Freddie fiddled with her hair. Her little nervous tick. "Look...I guess, I don't really remember. Whatever you did, it really helped. Can...Can you do that every time?"

    “Whatever you want. I’m not complaining. Just get some clothes on. I can’t be distracted here. Might cut myself.”

    She rolled her eyes, and went back upstairs. I smiled to myself.

    Something tells me she does remember.

    The impression that I get is that she loves her but is kind of a jerk to her and she doesn’t seem to like him at all. It would be interesting start to a story I am wondering what will happen next.

    I think the biggest thing is that you need to put emotion into what the female is saying.

  4. #14
    I like it too! An amazing job

  5. #15
    A nice depiction of looking at a loved person while they are at sleep. Your humor is a subtle one and I liked it. You write thinking out of the box. Yet, you keep it simple.

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