*BURN* very short/adult/language - Page 3


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Thread: *BURN* very short/adult/language

  1. #21
    I enjoyed this, it was simple and quick, yet very clever.

  2. #22
    It’s amazing how you managed to create such an incredible twist and give us so much insight into the character and his background and make such a gripping, dramatic tale with a proper beginning, middle and end – all in one little paragraph.

  3. #23
    Great flash fiction. I love the little boy at the end, and I'd like to hear the story of his future pyromaniac adventures.

  4. #24
    An excellent start with some strong imagery. But, needs a bit for formatting to make it even stronger.

    The flames were eating the inside walls of the apartment, along with it contents. The furniture acted like kindling for the vicious fire. I was trapped amongst the gorgeous red and yellow waves. My hair began to singe at the ends, my watch band was searing my skin.

    My only way out was through the window across the room. It would be an eight story drop with a horrific end, but I had no other options. I sprinted full speed through those fingers from hell as they cooked my flesh. The window shattered easily. As I dove through, (reverse) the glass shredded my crispy skin.

    The night air was immediate relief as I fell to the Earth. My thoughts wandered back to just a few minutes earlier, as I stood over the bed watching my wife burn as she slept. The fire had spread so quickly I didn't have time to get out safely.

    This one was only supposed to be a small fire, staged to look like an accident, just like all the others I'd set. It started as a boy, burn this or that and enjoy watching the fire work it's magic. My mother had caught me burning her good church shoes once and scolded me saying, "You can't un-burn things, Scott, once they're burned, they're gone for good."

    Now here I was, escaping the thing I loved the most. I rotated in mid air to admire my work, "So beautiful," I whispered as I hit the pavement with a thunderous thud. I heard my bones snap and skull crack open upon impact.

    People gather around horrified at what they'd just seen and desperate to extinguish the flames. I laid smiling as the life crept out of my body. In the distance I saw a young boy admiring the flames, a smile across his face.
    My suggestion just for something to think about:

    Flames ate the walls and contents of the apartment. The furniture kindled the vicious fire. The gorgeous red and yellow waves trapped me. My hair singed at the ends, my watch band searing my skin.

    See what I mean?

  5. #25

  6. #26
    Wow this is good. I mean, it's so short, but oh so powerful, and it has such an eerie vibe to it I can't help but smile like a maniac when reading it. Great job.

    Cheers, Ælfwine

  7. #27
    I really like what you wrote here. One suggestion I might make, is to go to first-person present-tense. Especially for this sort of story, that would be I think very powerful.

    I would also maybe suggest a re-structure somewhat to make it clear earlier that this was an oops, which is for arsonists a bigger deal than most oopses, because I got a little confused there.

    One other suggestion is smell. Especially for anything involving fire, smell is really strong. Anyone who has ever had their house catch on fire it brings back really intense emotions.

    I really like your ending sentence, maybe even make it a bit more descriptive.

    There's one tiny issue is you've got an "it's" where it should be an "its" btw.
    -doug

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