*BURN* very short/adult/language - Page 2

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Thread: *BURN* very short/adult/language

  1. #11
    I really like the visuals you give with how you write. There's just one line that gets me. Though it's just my opinion.
    staged to look like an accident....
    Pyromaniac, but why this. Why an accident? Trying to get money from insurance? It was the only reason I could give. Maybe to watch a building burn without someone pointing blame and he's paranoid? That sentence makes me almost miss your lovely ending. Though after reading your lovely ending I go back to that sentience and can't make sense of it.

  2. #12
    Very good flash fiction! The scene is well described and believable and I enjoyed the portrayal of your character. One thing about the description is the lack of smell mentioned which is often overlooked in writing as it can be difficult to describe, but this sense is perhaps the most important as it's the most interwoven with the rest of our brain! Next, try to break this up into a few paragraphs. Even in flash fiction using paragraphs is essential when appropriate and here they could definitely improve the flow of your story and the readability. The last and one of the most common mistakes I see in even established writers is that it looks like you slip between past and present tenses unintentionally. For example in two consecutive sentences you use "I heard" and "people gather". To stay in past tense it should be people gathered. Anyway, I really liked this story and enjoyed reading it immensely. I'd love to hear some of this character's previous exploits or see how you tackle character with more devious intents from the beginning!

  3. #13
    Wow, very interesting. I liked it. Makes me think of the perverse nature of sin, and how it passes itself on from generation to generation. He was being killed by the sin that he had cloaked himself in.

  4. #14
    As I was reading, I felt as though this would be a solid fit for a comic panel, perhaps even accompanied by dark graphic novel illustrations. It tells a whole story in hints and allows the reader to fill in the blanks. Again, another good comic-type prose. I would actually find it more effective if you simplified it. For example, "The furniture was the kindling." rather than "The furniture acted like kindling for the vicious fire." It's clear that stuff ain't flame retardant. Also a sprint is defined as being "at full speed" so you can remove "full speed" from that from the sentence as it already entails this person is booking it. I would have also drawn comparison to the room being a kiln, a common potters tool for firing clay and the like. These are just my first impressions. All around, I liked it!

  5. #15
    fun wee story, love the ending, almost makes a ready to write sequel.

    Keep up the good work

  6. #16
    Super writing. Keep it up. I would live to read a short story or novel by you. I love your imagination. 5 stars all the way.

  7. #17
    Member Entity's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2015
    On the internet
    Great writing! I loved the story especially the ending, only wish it was longer!

  8. #18
    Great description and narrative. All in a few sentences. Nice.

  9. #19
    Very dark and very visceral. I must say for a short story this really had an impact and I'm quite impressed. The thought of some of the imagery you described is quite disturbing. I also like how I can infer to the protagonist's background just through some of the things he says.

  10. #20
    Creative Area Specialist (Fiction) Blade's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2012
    Kitchener, Ontario.
    I found this a short but gripping read.

    Only one little nit.

    I sprinted full speed through those fingers from hell as they cooked my flesh.
    I think this is going a little far actually. If the fire is in the bedroom and spreading outward it would take a while (probably a fatal while) to get to the cooking state. Hair singed at the ends and cooking are a ways apart.

    I was fighting with temptation but I didn't want to win.
    A man like me don't like to see temptation caving in.
    Leonard Cohen

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