Paper Boy - Page 4

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Thread: Paper Boy

  1. #31
    Member drumzii's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Brighton, UK
    Solid piece of writing, in my opinion. Kept me reading till the end. I also agree with the comment that the piece was thought provoking. A fascinating base for a story. Would definatly like to see more!

    All in all I found it was an easy read and unlike others, I found the ending to be really good - even if you did run out of time.

  2. #32
    I enjoyed it, and I think it's great symbolism - a hollow book for a hollow boy. Although, if you could increase the word count I might add something at the beginning to really solidify the idea that he feels empty. Right now we just have his mother saying he likes to read a lot, and that he doesn't have many friends. I don't think those are necessarily strong enough to portray that he is "empty".

    It was beautifully written though, thank you.

  3. #33
    Member MHarding53's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2015
    Campbell River BC
    Bravo! I am chilled to the bone! I got this right away and it left me with a ghostly feeling deep in my heart. Why would he cut out the words? Why would he do this to such a valuable book? Why didn't he hide some treasure within the hollowed out book. Why did he weep over it in the end. Hollow! Hollow was the book and the friendless boy. Kindred spirits yet spiritless. I got it right away. What does that say about the writer? What also does it say about me? There does need to be a very tiny bit connecting the Old man looking at the lonely boy across the room, and the beginning of the conversation between the two. I have one last bit for you to ponder. Suppose the very last word of your story was 'Hollow'?

  4. #34
    Very good. I can hear your accent and I think it skews the story, from my point of view. I wonder what it's like for a British person to read an American writer. I'm not sure the language should be standardized, but I tended to hear your accent more than the story and it distracted me from the story. But a good tale nonetheless.

  5. #35
    On the next street children were playing in a park. Bits of the park could be seen In the spaces between houses. The shouts of the children were loud on the afternoon air.
    'Carried on the air' is such a common cliche that 'loud' stopped me and made me think, 'between the houses' means it is a house and the street width away, maybe 'were clear' is more appropriate, too far for children to be loud. They are also a bit short and choppy sentences at this point, the capitalised 'In' makes me think you have been editing.
    How about losing the obvious stuff, like you can see through spaces and repeating 'children', and getting it all in one sentence like this?

    "On the next street children were playing in a park, bits of which could be seen between the houses, their shouts loud on the afternoon air."

    Nits, the symbolism, the said and the unsaid, excellent.
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