The Wrong Man (500 words)


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  1. #1
    Member MzSnowleopard's Avatar
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    The Wrong Man (500 words)

    This is the first piece that I wrote for the program with Long Ridge Writers Group. The objective of the lesson was to write a descriptive piece on some one I knew or had known. The maximum word limit was 500.

    This piece is finished, it's a part of my portfolio to show my writing style. It is not intended for publication.

    What I'm looking for is general reader reaction to the piece. I want to know how people 'feel' / what their impression of a piece is over all.

    ~^~~^~

    Bill was forty-one by the time I realized what type of man he was. This silver haired Scorpio moved like a prideful peacock. He had a telltale way of standing when he lied. Squaring back his shoulders with his head up and chin tucked. He’d suck on his cigarette, holding it with two fingers pinched together. He did this quite often and many wondered if he even knew what the truth was.

    In selfishness, he typically stretched out on his bed in the living room of our tiny two-bedroom apartment. He’d cross his chicken legs with his black bottom feet barely touching my television; he dominated the remote with a Western on the screen. “C’mon guys, I haven’t seen John Wayne in over a month,” he would gripe as our roommate Brian and I hid in our rooms, hating Westerns. Both of us knew that it had barely been a week since Bill watched True Grit. He didn't care that all I asked was to watch “Young and the Restless”. If it coincided with one of his Westerns, I lost out.

    Bill’s selfishness and laziness was exceeded only by his greed. He spent money like it was water out of a faucet. Even though we were a month behind in our electric, he still had to spend a hundred and sixty dollars on a radio for Civil Air Patrol, leaving me to pay the same amount on the electric or lose it. This forced me to sacrifice on the payment on my Visa.

    In the six years we were together, he became domineering. Blaming two tours in Vietnam for the mental problems that landed him on social security. He denied that he just didn't want to work.

    I've come to learn that all he does care about is money, even if it’s not his. Though he’s promised to help me out, he’s taken cash advances, maximizing my credit card and preventing me from saving the money for the gown I need to attend our friends wedding. It’s a semi-formal affair and Bill had three tuxedos in my closet.

    Since the threat of my leaving and moving in with my parents has become a reality, he’s done what he could to change my mind. “Everyone’s going to say that they were right about us not making it,” he told me in a cold tone during our confrontation as we sat on my twin sized bed, whispering. “And if you think your parents are going to let you see your friends, they won’t.” He went on with his desperate scheme of manipulation.

    Being a typical Scorpio, he refused to admit or let go when he was no longer wanted. Bill has paid little attention to my plans already set in motion. He and Brian would both be gone for a week attending the Sun-N-Fun Air-fest in April. The timing was right and with my conscience telling me to move before Brian does, I remember an old adage: Pride cometh before the fall.
    "Sometimes I wish I could stay asleep, not because my life is that dull and boring but because my dreams are just that good." - Mindy Dyksterhouse (MzSnowleopard)
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  2. #2
    Hi Snowy,
    welcome to the WF nuthouse.

    Interesting work, kinda detached and emotional at the same time, don't know how you did it but I'm hoping to figure it out and 'borrow the recipe.'

    I do not like Bill, he is a lot of a cliché and irritating to boot, score one big point there.

    And your adage jars.

    Easy to read, simple prose that does the job without obfuscation.

    I liked this a lot, thank you for sharing
    Bazz.

  3. #3
    Reads well, captures a feeling and a picture of a person. I think your last paragraph almost has too much info in it.


    I think if you shortened that up in might make it a little more powerful...Bob
    God hates a coward Revelation 21:8

    “Good writin' ain't necessarily good readin'.”

    Hidden Content ,

    To encourage and facilitate "me"

  4. #4
    Very powerful I think. You describe your "Bill" rather well in such a short piece. You had me hooked. I just hope you're not tied up with him now.

    Nice writing.
    Hidden Content

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  5. #5
    Member MzSnowleopard's Avatar
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    Thanks guys, those are the very types of responses I'm looking for. And no worries mr mustard, I haven't seen nor heard from Bill since that year - 1997. In fact, a few years ago when talking to an old friend (who knew both of us.) He mentioned that he heard from the bonehead, Bill had called him from jail pleading for bail money.

    now THAT'S Karma!
    "Sometimes I wish I could stay asleep, not because my life is that dull and boring but because my dreams are just that good." - Mindy Dyksterhouse (MzSnowleopard)
    Admin @ Hidden Content & Hidden Content
    Student @ Hidden Content
    Hidden Content / Hidden Content

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