Daddy's Girl - Page 2

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Thread: Daddy's Girl

  1. #11
    This is real life...hits very close to home...masterful and very intense work. Great job!

  2. #12
    ElijahChristian--Thank you for reading and commenting, I see you are new to WF--welcome! Peace...Jul

    Ayumi--Thanks for your comments, I am glad you can relate to this poem, and Welcome to WF. Peace...Jul

  3. #13
    A disturbing poem, well-written. But I know you can do better to smoothen the flow, Jul.

    Always good to read your works, keep posting.
    "The greatest achievement was at first and for a time a dream. The oak sleeps in the acorn, the bird waits in the egg, and in the highest vision of the soul a waking angel stirs. Dreams are the seedlings of realities." ~ James Allen

    "Use what talents you possess: the woods would be very silent if no birds sang there except those that sang best." ~ Henry Van Dyke

  4. #14
    Dear Candid Petunia--how wonderful to hear from you! Maybe I am too close to this poem, I know the flow has some hitches, any help would be appreciated. Thank you for your comments. Peace...Jul

  5. #15
    wow, I agree, so intense, even painful to read, because I know that stuff is true to too many out there...but overall, well written, your words accomplish your evident intent.

    Since you asked so sincerely, here's my stab at ironing out the rhythm - but of course it's your piece at the end of the day : )

    Quote Originally Posted by Firemajic View Post
    He never missed a chance
    to crush her self esteem,
    and took unholy pleasure
    in tainting all her dreams.

    Each day he would remind her,
    as he burned her with his scorn,
    how her deadbeat Father left her
    while she was yet unborn.

    Each night she prayed to God
    that He'd bring Daddy home
    and save her from that place
    where she was all alone.

    She frequently imagined
    him walking through the door,
    with open arms held out to her
    as she ran across the floor.

    With strong arms, he'd hold her tight
    and whisper in her ear
    how he loved and searched for her
    for all these many years.

    But Daddy never came to her,
    and she ran away from home,
    to find the love she never knew,
    to no longer feel alone.

    But at age fifteen she found herself
    hustling for something to eat,
    turning tricks at night for drugs
    and sleeping on the street.

    Found in the river:Young white female,
    'Daddy's Girl' t-shirt and cutoff shorts;
    unclaimed, unidentified: Jane Doe,
    filed and forgotten in a police report. (more could be tinkered with in this last stanza)

    ok, so a little 'poetic' license taken here and there, but I tried : )
    Last edited by toddm; September 5th, 2014 at 05:29 AM.

  6. #16
    Todd --Thank you for giving my poem so much of your time and effort, and you always know that your crit. is valued. I will go over this line by line later and make some changes. Thanks again for your expertise. Peace...Jul

  7. #17
    Todd, whew! I worked on my poem and made most of the changes --and I love it! Thank you for keeping the integrity of my poem while making it soooo much better. Great working with you! Peace...Jul

  8. #18
    Quote Originally Posted by Firemajic View Post
    Todd --Thank you for giving my poem so much of your time and effort, and you always know that your crit. is valued. I will go over this line by line later and make some changes. Thanks again for your expertise. Peace...Jul
    well, you're welcome of course - glad I could do it, and I like what you did with it


  9. #19
    Todd- I revised the last verse , I think it is a little smoother, but I think it could be better...Thanks for your help. Peace...Jul

  10. #20
    I do enjoy the poem, it's got an engaging narrative, but when I read it feels hollow, not the situation mind you but the presentation. Drug abuse and prostitution can be a serious problem, but it needs to be humanized and connected with feeling.Those mere descriptors at least for me don't suffice, if you'd described the sensations of drugs, the longing to use again, and the used up or painful sensation of the compulsory sex, then it'd make it much more compelling. While these things are in some sense conotated by drug abuse or prostitution in this context, it still needs more for me.

    It mostly rolled of the tongue, but there were some oddities here too.

    She always imagined

    This line seems awkward in context, like not enough syllables. I mean, I read it and I said "She had always imagined" just because it sounded natural, then I did a double take and realized I injected a word. Just something to think about. Also the whole last verse had a weird flow. In particular:

    Daddy's girl Tshirt and levi shorts,

    The specificity of a line can make it speak or flow more as opposed to generality or abstraction, but in this cause it just seems to not work. The words chosen do not make it flow more, and conceptually I'm not a fan of them. I mean there are too many syllables in "Daddy's girl T-Shirt" and a lot of hard sounds in there in a row, which doesn't feel right, and the (don't care if I'm using this word technically accurately or not) ironic nature of the Daddy's Girl T-shirt just feels mean spirited, sorry if that seems harsh. I just mean, would the character really wear a Daddy's Girl T-Shirt? I mean I feel like there is a little bit of internal honesty in her, even if she pretends there isn't, about the situation. It seems like you shoved the shirt on her to make your point almost, which you'd already made organically, so it felt sort of weird. Like making a good argument and then insulting your opponent, it just goes against the previous means of achieving your ends.

    Otherwise, I liked the story a lot. Beautiful, but not ornate or baroque, simply conveying.

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