The Storm - Page 4

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Thread: The Storm

  1. #31
    I have a couple of thoughts.

    “It’s raining, It’s pouring, da-de-da, bumped his head, da-de-dum, something, something, in the morning.” That nursery rhyme was driving me crazy.

    The windshield wipers were working hard to clear the water from the glass. The storm was torrential, and the rain easily overpowered the wipers feeble efforts. The road was empty, in front and behind the car. I was alone in my small, wet universe. Only the glow of the centerline in the headlights kept me on the road. Now, this silly rhyme was on my mind, taking my concentration away from driving.

    I don’t know what possessed me to drive up here in the middle of the night. I could have stayed in my cozy, dry home until morning. I remembered then, the pushy offer of unwanted company from a cousin. This trip was personal; I needed to do this alone.

    A quick glance showed me the box was still on the passenger seat. I’d thought it had slid off when I’d driven around that last sharp curve. I saw the picture frame and the faded, dusty-pink, crepe paper flower roses were still there, convicting me with their presence. That old familiar twinge of guilt settled heavily on my shoulders.
    "The storm was torrential, and the rain easily overpowered the wipers feeble efforts."
    I would write this "The torrential storm easily overpowered

    "The road was empty."

    I don't need to know if it's in front and behind. It's enough to know it's empty.

    Maybe it's just me, but I like punchy, succinct prose. I don't like a lot of added detail. It tends to slow me down, bore me and make me want to stop reading.

    So this is how I would rewrite the second paragraph.

    The windshield wipers worked hard to clear the water from the glass, the torrential storm easily overpowering their feeble efforts. The road was empty. I was alone in my small, wet universe. Only the glow of the centerline in the headlights kept me on the road. Now, this silly rhyme was on my head, taking my concentration away from driving.

    I hope this helps.

    Last edited by plawrence; April 5th, 2017 at 05:41 PM.

  2. #32
    Nicely done! I'll not comment on the punctuation, as I'm a grammar buffoon. I liked the flow of the work, but found the last two lines superfluous and disjointed. Maybe one way to have drawn it to a close would have been with a rewritten version of the rhyme, something along the lines of:

    Not raining, or pouring,
    This old man stopped mourning,
    He laid to bed, his sister dead,
    (or kissed the head, of his sister dead)
    And found peace again in the morning.

    The old rhyme haunting him through the darkness, then yielding light in the dawn, might afford a better closure.

  3. #33
    I enjoyed reading this. I appreciate you posting.

    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

  4. #34
    It's quite simply written, without much artifice, but I have to admit that I enjoyed it. The story was well-structured, and the plot revealed in a way that made you want to know what was going to happen next. My principal criticism is that the ending is overly sentimental. There are some grammatical quibbles as well, but they've most likely already been addressed by other posters. Overall, good job.

  5. #35
    A good piece combining the past, the present and the future. The depiction of brotherly love touched me. Especially when we consider the fact that you combined it with the memory of the rhyme that was everpresent in the character's mind. Kid stuff, you know

  6. #36
    egpenny - This a well-written piece - no real bumps in terms of grammar or run-on's. The beginning is excellent - the reader jumps right into the narrator's head along with that nursery rhyme - a nice touch - just about anyone can relate to having a song or melody stuck in their head, unceasing.

    "evil landmine" - not so sure of - it gives an inanimate thing intention - maybe just strike "evil."

    I think the last part of the rhyme goes - "...and (couldn't) get up in the morning - now you've got my head starting in on it.

    I enjoyed this - Best - RC

  7. #37
    I thought it was well written and sweet. I can't say I felt any tension but you did a good job of expressing the character's sadness at the death of his sister. I loved this part:

    Iím sure my parents thought it should have been me; I should have been driving that night. I should have endured the flat tire, I should have run off the road into that tree. And, yes, it should have been me. Pretty Vicky agreed to run an errand for me; one I thought couldnít possibly wait for the next day. My heart hurt at the memory.

    I liked the rhyming and rhythm. This wasn't a terribly original piece, a little generic even, but it was a nice and short read.

  8. #38
    I really liked the way you incorporated the nursery rhyme into the story and not just bc I'm a fan of literary repetition lol. Nicely done!

  9. #39
    Fantastic piece. I really enjoyed this. Thank you!

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