The Storm - Page 2


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Thread: The Storm

  1. #11
    dvspec pretty much covered the sentence structure and grammar. Other than those critiques, I thought it was well done. You set up the environment and setting nicely. The nursery rhyme fits well with the character and tone.

  2. #12
    egpenny,

    There used to be a song, "Comma,comma,comma, come come come," or something like that. Like you I was known as the comma king. If there were two words, I would put a comma between them. I always had a full box of commas near by. I was the joke of any forum I was a member of. My bad comma usage made others feel better than they were. I didn't have the slightest idea where the dame things should be...so I went out and got a book..."Nitty-Gritty Grammar.( ISBN 0-439-69211-3 )

    I loved this little easy to read, and understand book. I loved it so much, I glued it to my forehead. Parts of it are still there. This little book will give you everything you will ever need on, grammar, and Punctuation.
    Don't tell anybody I still have this book...I want them to think I'm smart. It's a secret...shhhhh.

  3. #13
    I could do without the nursery rhyme. Your character is taking care of a serious matter in his life, I just think his mind would be more somber and quiet.. Or reflective and serious... Which is the tone throughout the rest of the story.. so I don't think taking out the nursery rhyme would bother the flow or structure of it at all if you chose to do so. Other than that, I liked it. Good story.

  4. #14
    Member MHarding53's Avatar
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    I am going to start my comment here with this observation. Great opening sentence! I have not even read the story yet, and that sentence has me hooked. As writers we are always searching for that one unbroken string of words that will have a profound effect on a reader. You nailed it for me. Now I plan to read the rest.

    Do not change a single word. My own tears speak to your ability as a writer.

    I wonder if I might have your permission to share this with one other person - full credit given to you of course.

    I have read the edits by dvspec and agree with all but one.
    "The windshield wipers were working hard to clear the water from the torrential storm. The rain easily over. . . "
    Windshield wipers were never designed to clear the water from a torrential storm. They are only created to clear water from windshields. I do see what he is talking about though.

    Perhaps:

    It was a torrential storm. The windshield wipers were working hard to clear the water. They were failing. The road was empty.
    Last edited by MHarding53; March 6th, 2015 at 04:32 AM.

  5. #15
    Great writing. It had me glued to my monitor. Thanks for sharing.

  6. #16
    I like the characterization. The character seems believable:
    “The old man is snoring. Hah, raining, pouring, snoring, that’s another line,” I muttered as the verse came to me."

    I like the comparison. The metaphor is very good:
    "My sister died over twenty years ago. All that time the trunk had been in the attic, like an evil landmine, waiting to explode and push me back into the pit of guilt."


    I like the way that the plot unfolds. Nice pacing:
    "I’m sure my parents thought it should have been me; I should have been driving that night. I should have endured the flat tire, I should have run off the road into that tree."
    Last edited by curtis; July 25th, 2015 at 12:46 AM.

  7. #17
    Wɾʇ∩9 bdcharles's Avatar
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    Hi,

    First thoughts:

    The sentences are quite short and there's not a huge amount of variation in their structure. Maybe change (for example):

    The windshield wipers were working hard to clear the water from the glass. The storm was torrential, and the rain easily overpowered the wipers feeble efforts. The road was empty, in front and behind the car. I was alone in my small, wet universe. Only the glow of the centerline in the headlights kept me on the road. Now, this silly rhyme was on my mind, taking my concentration away from driving.

    to something like:

    The windshield wipers were working hard to clear the torrential water from the windscreen, but the storm easily overpowered their feeble efforts. The road was empty both in front and behind the car, and I was alone in my small, wet universe, with only the glow of the centerline in the headlights to keep me on the road; and now, this silly rhyme was on my mind, taking my concentration away from driving.


    Didn't see too many comma run ons though, no more than the voice would warrant at any rate.

    Hope this helps

  8. #18

  9. #19
    Member DATo's Avatar
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    A very beautiful, and exquisitely delivered short story! The song served as a nice catalyst to tie the story together - I found that to be a particularly creative and effective device.

    No criticisms ... nicely done ... and thank you for sharing!

  10. #20
    Well written. Post more

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