Won't you dance? - (567 words) - Page 2


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Thread: Won't you dance? - (567 words)

  1. #11
    Daring, for sure. You took a big risk stepping out with only dialogue. I've tried some stuff myself, a very difficult exercise, one I could not master, and I commend you for it. Much respect in that regard. I'm also a big fan of the stakes you've raise here, the fact that everything is so compact: in 600 words or less, describe to us how a man steals a soul for the devil. Brevity is the friend of both intrigue and tension, so bravo there.

    It misses the mark for me, though. The beginning is kind of aimless. It's hard to tell exactly what's happening, and I hate to say it, but I think it would benefit from some setting and description. Writing from solely a dialogue point of view requires a serious amount of detail and attention in the wording, and this just falls a little flat there. The words don't really speak to the intent until we get to that monologue by the devil himself. I'm left a little confused by it all.

    Conversely, I'm not sure I'm a fan of the diary-style ending there. It switches keys too fast for me, almost like it's two separate stories. I'd advise doing a mixture of both here.

    Ambitious and interesting, but it doesn't quite measure up for me.
    Hidden Content at SPANK the CARP Fiction and Poetry

  2. #12
    ShadowEyes, thank you for your time and effort. I'm glad you enjoyed it. You understand the story well which is nice as it's a bit hit or miss at the moment. As for your suggestion about the language, I will do that. I haven't been happy with what John says whenever I read it back, because it's a bit cliche and not very realistic. You're definitely right there.

    Pancreas, thanks for commenting and spending time doing so. It was an impromptu piece and I haven't developed it since writing. I was aware it would be very hit and miss which is clearly the case from the comments. It's not your cup of tea which is entirely alright. I'm pretty sure I can do something good with this first chapter (and the story as a whole) if I just work on it a bit more. So, I'll make you love it yet.

    Ari, it's quite alright. Let me know when you post more up as I will be happy to read it for you.
    Apple Ice

  3. #13
    Your profile bio says "Terrible writer trying to write." That is obviously not true. This is very well done. I do have to agree with Pancreas on the time:event style near the end. There is a place for that, but it took me out of the flow of the story. That may be because I've written quite a few reports in the style of "0745, (Nickname) leaves residence..."

  4. #14
    Apple, by all means do. As a first chapter, it might work with a bit more meat to it. Actually, I found it was just about up my alley, there was just something missing for me.
    Hidden Content at SPANK the CARP Fiction and Poetry

  5. #15
    Thanks Trygve, that's nice of you say. Okay, it obviously isn't working for the readers, I will have to amend the time-style bit. Don't know why I threw the story in to an episode of 24 in the first place, actually. I appreciate your time and effort as always.

    Pancreas, I will take your suggestions on board when re-vamping it. Thanks again.
    Apple Ice

  6. #16
    Member Missingtrees's Avatar
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    Talking Feedback

    Hi, this is my first ever post on this site, so I hope I'm helpful!

    An intriguing piece of writing, but a little confusing - I think because it is only a snapshot. There is very little dialogue attribution, and we don't really know who's speaking until you explain in your feedback, so maybe it would be worth a bit more of a clue - how you do this and maintain the intrigue is the big question.

    There were a couple of sentences that I think can be tightened:



    ‘Not saying anything isn't going to get results, is it?’ - this might read better as 'silence isn't going to get results, is it?' For me, the saying and anything plus the not and isn't made it quite difficult to comprehend, and if you're a fast reader (which I am) the meaning can disappear quite quickly.


    ‘Your son will be here tomorrow, no questions asked, just as he was one month ago.’ I think this doesn't ring quite true with natural speech, I think ' a month ago' would be more real - you've said this in one of your replies which was more natural.

    It will be this person. - I don't think you need this.


    I like the sentence about loving strings!

    I can see why you say 'feel' and why you repeat it, but I don't think the ‘I feel this has been a mistake.’ is a 'real' sentence. The person is more likely to say 'This is a mistake.'

    I hope this helps, I'm trying to shy away from feedback that adds nothing to the text!

    Best regards

  7. #17
    Member Missingtrees's Avatar
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    Talking Feedback

    o

  8. #18
    Hello MissingTrees,

    You used your first post on this site to help me with my story and so you may now consider yourself my new favourite forum member.

    I agree with everything you've said and whenever I read this piece back there's lots of things I know I should correct and I will change a lot when re-writing, especially the early dialogue because there's a lot I'm not happy about.

    Thanks for your time and effort Trees, it's really appreciated. let me know when you post some work up and I will be happy to have a read through for you.
    Apple Ice

  9. #19
    Member Missingtrees's Avatar
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    Thank you, will do! And let me know when you re-write/continue - I'd like to know what happens!

  10. #20
    Member Missingtrees's Avatar
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    Hi

    I've posted something (scared) at http://www.writingforums.com/threads...08#post1722908

    It's not nice though......

    Thank you so much!

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