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Thread: Teenage Angst

  1. #11
    This flowed really well, I'd really like to read more of this is it up anywhere?

  2. #12
    I liked it. It put me in the same space as other YA teen angsty stories have put me in. That grabbed me write away. I liked the consistent tone.

    I agree with others that this is pretty well written, but just lacks a certain something. I think you have the same problem as me with narrative. It's short and choppy, like we're just writing a summary instead of the actual piece. I felt like I wanted to read more about each little experience, more of her thoughts. Maybe it's just because she's drunk - that would make more sense, but if so, I think there should be something to put you in that frame of mind.

    I really liked the salad dressing bit. That was good.

    The scene with her parents needs more. I got the sense that she's used to that sort of treatment, but I kind of felt like she should have a stronger reaction. She just didn't really seem that upset about it. Her reaction at being thrown out of her home felt too casual. And maybe some thoughts about previous beatings? A hint at some history? I think someone mentioned foreshadowing.

    I definitely wanted to know more and would enjoy reading more.
    Last edited by NineShadowEyes; January 5th, 2015 at 10:15 PM. Reason: correcting formatting

  3. #13
    There is nothing wrong with your writing skills or this chapter. It's just that something has happened to Solana and she's not willing to tell us. Instead she has taken us astray into a bar, where she's only drinking.

  4. #14
    I enjoyed reading this. Donít make revisionsókeep going. Too many people try to please everyone and end up revising and tweaking the first chapter ad nauseum and then get stuck. Get the story down first and then revise.
    Publisher of the Durham Skywriter (http://www.durhamskywriter.com), Durham NC's online community paper, and host of TV Skywriter, Sundays 7pm USA Eastern time, on YouTube and Google+'s "Durham Skywriter" page. Currently working on my first nonfiction book, "And Then We Saw an Eye: Caring for a Loved-One with Alzheimer's at Home"

  5. #15
    Here's the problem: you're writing from your real experience. So you are your protagonist to some extent. AS a result whatever you remember, think, or plan or do or feel... you just add it to the story right away. So your story becomes tangled. To solve the problem your story should be a single thread with no knots or tangles. Otherwise it will twist the reader into a confusion.

  6. #16
    I think your writing is very good, and rings true. Unfortunately, I didn't feel you'd found a fresh angle on the subject. What is different about your story that forces us to read on? For example, if the drinker was very young. Or partially-sighted. A wheelchair-user. Has a baby with her. Or anything that's totally original, and makes us think NO. I don't mean to belittle how dramatic addiction is, and I'm very sorry if you've had personal experience of this. Great prose. Well done.

  7. #17
    LadyGrumps said exactly what I was going to say. More narrative is needed.

  8. #18
    I read your story - or the beginning of it! - and it's an interesting start. I'd want to read on and see what happens. That said, you're doing a lot of telling and not a lot of showing. That's a really common criticism. Instead of saying "I feel sick," for example, you might say something like "my stomach dropped and the familiar taste of acid and alcohol filled my mouth." I don't do a lot of story writing but you know what I mean! I had a few more thoughts as I was reading and I'll post them below.

    Numb lips feel for the rim, but they donít register. I dump an entire shot onto my shirt.
    Reminds me of this scene from an old movie. Spillage is one thing but I can't say I've ever completely missed my mouth.

    Am I on a boat? I stand up; my legs wobble from the waves beating on the sides of the cabin.
    I'm not sure whether the party is actually on a boat or whether it's a metaphor.

    ĒOkay,Ē I reply. He takes my hand and pulls me into the middle of the room. With a sea of people rubbing against me, itís difficult to keep my footing.
    What happened to the boat? Bigger boats - ships, really - have dance floors but they wouldn't be near cabins. When you wrote "cabin" above, I was thinking it was a relatively small sailboat. Or maybe the boat is a metaphor!

    Iím not sure if itís the lighting or if itís the vodka making the room dark and foggy, but it supplies a phantasmagoric feeling, and I love it.
    "phantasmagoric" seems pretty awkward and heavy here but maybe it's just me.

    Sleeves, my dance partner, grinds his pelvis against my butt.
    "pelvis" is pretty medical and matter-of-fact for something sexy.

    The cold air calms the storm enough for smooth sailing. Half skipping, half tripping, I make my way to the bus station several blocks away.
    So, we are on a boat? If so, it seems like we teleported from sailing to dock. I could just lost but keep in mind others might get lost, too.

    Broken caterpillars for eyebrows, tomatoes for a face, my father is quite attractive when he is angry.
    This struck me as creepy, especially given his behaviour later.


    Overall, I enjoyed reading your story. Please keep in mind that I don't write much fiction myself - please take my advice with a few grains of salt!

  9. #19
    Yup, totally realistic here:

    "Sleeves, my dance partner, grinds his pelvis against my butt. His hands inch up my waist and grab at my chest, but I brush him away. As if magnetic, his paws return. This time, I slap them away and turn to face him."

    As far as the music and the dance floor, from the vibe of the story I got more of a club feel, like that's exactly how a club in the city feels, maybe a house party could have music that loud though if someone had some super nice speakers and their own equipment or perhaps a dj, but then someone would probably call the cops and they would shut that ish down, especially if it was in the heart of the city....


  10. #20
    I thought they were on a boat, then you mentioned an apartment party. Storms and crashing waves. The boats at a dock in a mariner?
    The cold air calms the storm enough for smooth sailing - I like this, I'm wondering if you're writing abstractly rather than concretely? You're referring to the storm in her head, the storm of emotions inside her, or the storm of drunkenness, maybe? The cold air of night calming you down so you can walk more smoothly (smooth sailing), that's how I chose to take it but it's a little confusing bec. she actually was on a boat (at least I thought she was).
    I enjoyed reading it; I'd read further.
    Keep writing.

    Phantasmagoria is one of my favourite words

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