Leave - Page 2


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Thread: Leave

  1. #11
    You're very kind, Pandi. Thank you.
    There is no life I know
    To compare with pure imagination.
    Living there you値l be free
    If you truly wish to be.~ Willy Wonka

  2. #12
    Oh dear Baroness of Brevity, please don't nix S1. Like Pandora, I find those few lines very powerful and feel they set the stage perfectly. Your choice of enjambment is extremely effective. I know longing and you've captured it admirably and in a fashion that is unique to only you, Sis. Love this piece.

  3. #13
    Thank you sis. I like that first stanza for the very reasons you and Pandi stated, so I'm happy to see that it worked for you ladies. In fact, that first stanza has been hanging around for years now, the only remaining survivor of the original poem.
    There is no life I know
    To compare with pure imagination.
    Living there you値l be free
    If you truly wish to be.~ Willy Wonka

  4. #14
    Hi, Gumby,

    First off, a couple of nits!

    -
    a hearts fading beat
    -
    a
    heart's fading beat

    -
    which echo’s my own
    - which echoes my own

    The poem is fabulous. The first stanza reveals the narrator's domesticity (quiet house/washing a dish) and aesthetic concern (the faded pattern) to posit the single (foreshadowing the speaker's oneness/aloneness) dish as a flawed instrument in the relationship.

    While the first stanza is factual in its presentation, the ensuing stanzas are aptly figurative. S2 effectively captures the experiential flux. The bed's become a turbulent sea, but the speaker still reaches, and what she finds is part corpse, part treasure (i.e. her partner's chafed heart but also the "primordial memories" in which he calls to her "water to water").

    One thing: The bed's not merely likened to a sea; it IS a sea; thus, I assume it's the sea, not the bed, that's been tossed upon the beach. Is that what you intended?

    The poem then progresses from sentiment (S2) to wisdom (S3)-- "this is how the straightjacket feels... when one [embraces] voices whispered from the bottom of bottles and bibles".

    Thanks for posting!
    --lace

  5. #15
    Lace, thank you for such a detailed analysis, I appreciate it very much. Punctuation is such a bugaboo for me, so thanks for correcting my mistakes. Sometimes I think I'll never become competent in that area.

    One thing: The bed's not merely likened to a sea; it IS a sea; thus, I assume it's the sea, not the bed, that's been tossed upon the beach. Is that what you intended?
    Yes, it is meant to be how the bed feels, figuratively speaking, to the op and though how you interpreted the chafing was different from how I meant it, it still works well. I like to think that a poem becomes more personal to the reader if there is some latitude in how it's perceived and that there isn't really a wrong way to interpret a poem, only different in some respects from what the author had in mind.

    Thank you, Lace.
    Last edited by Gumby; October 31st, 2013 at 12:57 AM.
    There is no life I know
    To compare with pure imagination.
    Living there you値l be free
    If you truly wish to be.~ Willy Wonka

  6. #16
    Member
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Location
    I live in a rural area.
    Posts
    371
    Blog Entries
    13
    This is lovely! Much enjoyed.

  7. #17
    Thank you, tina, for the read and comment. Glad you enjoyed it.
    There is no life I know
    To compare with pure imagination.
    Living there you値l be free
    If you truly wish to be.~ Willy Wonka

  8. #18
    You knocked the air out of me. I know this feeling so very well, as I am often alone and waiting. Made me tear up. Thank you, as I feel a little less alone just now.

  9. #19
    Why, thank you so much! Being alone can really bring out strong emotions. Makes me understand why hermits always seem to be just a little bit 'off'.
    There is no life I know
    To compare with pure imagination.
    Living there you値l be free
    If you truly wish to be.~ Willy Wonka

  10. #20
    Quote Originally Posted by Gumby View Post
    Why, thank you so much! Being alone can really bring out strong emotions. Makes me understand why hermits always seem to be just a little bit 'off'.
    It certainly does. And I'm probably more than a little 'off', lol.

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