The Night Watch - Page 3


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Thread: The Night Watch

  1. #21
    As an impulse piece, this is really good! Everything is proper- vocabulary, rhythm, mechanics. It also leaves the reader wanting more.

    Only one small detail:"...as fearsome as he wanted to. Only his eyes stood out."

    ....this may just be me, but sentences ending with prepositions always trip me up.

    Also, in my opinion, it's not cliche and it doesn't matter your muse. Draw upon your own personal experiences all you want. I don't know any good writer that doesn't.

  2. #22
    Quote Originally Posted by H. Giggles View Post
    With intensity- Despite the fact that I was really drunk when I wrote this, I nonetheless should have realized that I was, in fact, basically describing myself. Part of that may have been due to my inspiration for the story: the rapidly increasing crime rate in my once-nice neighborhood, the efforts of myself and a few friends to track down the perpetrators, and also the fact that I've always had a bit of a "little man" complex (literally). I plan on changing that. Also, with regards to your remark about getting a finger stuck in the slide...well, poo. Mind if I use that?
    Help your self!
    Last edited by bazz cargo; September 10th, 2013 at 12:43 PM. Reason: Collateral damage

  3. #23
    I thought it was a good start, though I wonder how the italiced part mixes with the part about the Vance Household.

    I agree with Bazz cargo's breakdown as far as paragraph structure. You want to try to make smaller paragraphs. Large paragraphs invoke something that they say on another forum I go to, Colin Powell or "I ain't reading all of that sh.."

    Small paragraphs make it easy to read, and make the reader feel that they are making progress in the writing/story, where long paragraphs do the opposite.

  4. #24
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    its a good start, but we need more information on the plot before we can make a final judgement

  5. #25
    Member LunarFuror's Avatar
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    This was fantastically written. I didn't feel it was over detailed, but I'm someone who enjoys a lot of details in things. Will look forward to more!

  6. #26
    Member sparks81292's Avatar
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    I think more tun anything you just need to write more, your MC is already alive and functional (maybe not emotionally... but that adds to it ). Would love to read more, some of the self deprecating description seemed slightly redundant maybe could cut it down to half as many lines of description.

  7. #27
    Member Fei's Avatar
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    Don't mean to sound redundant but... it was VERY well written
    "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."- Reinhold Niebuhr

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