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Thread: First few paragraphs of my Novel

  1. #21
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    interesting character, dark and gritty. It really shows the darker less clean version of the world

  2. #22
    Quote Originally Posted by Bakslashjack View Post
    I donít really feel one way or the other about this, and I guess that might be a good thing. Or perhaps there just isnít enough to make any judgment.
    I like psychological thrillers. However they are tough to get off the ground. Iím of the opinion that some patterns might be helpful for you. Couple 2-3 sentences with the same subject when attempting to be descriptive. EG. A spring pops through the mattress. Follow this with something. Or precede it with a sentence with a relevant action or subject. But donít just drop this in there and move right into dialogue.

    I am Darren Gordon Shepard, newly divorced dishonorable discharge from the United States Navy. Hell of a thing to tell potential employers.
    This reads goofy for me. How about this.
    I am Darren Gordon Shepard, newly divorced and dishonorably discharged from the United States Navy.
    Or add one more thing to this sentence to make it a proper list. I would add time. Newly divorced X years after my dishonorable discharge from the United States Navy. Yeah, yeah its fragmented, but I think you get the idea. Hope this helps
    These suggestions make sense.

    As a premise? I don't know. It seem like there has been an overabundance of effed up ex military characters in fiction, especially since the Bush II started the second round of War Games, Big Sand Box edition. Perhaps being navy, and not the "burnt out soldier coming back from Iraq or 'Stan will be enough, but alcoholic ex military main characters are a dime a dozen.

  3. #23
    I like how this character is highly flawed yet there are signs of him trying to redeem himself. With him going to rehab I feel it gives the reader hope that he will grow and perhaps even turn his life around. I think it will also give us something to root for when the characters starts going through issues in later parts of the story.

  4. #24
    this is the exact kind of thing that i would be interested in reading, character development is a great thing, i find it makes the characters all the more easy to relate too i would love to read more

  5. #25
    Yeah, your first sentence made me sit up and take notice as well. Punchy. To me, your writing style feels like you are talking to the reader. I like it actually. Reminds me of Desmond Bagley.

  6. #26
    The start is great, and he's not your typical protagonist starring in his own mellow drama. He has character and spunk. As a character, I won't lie--heis well-liked. However, I am more interested to find out what this story is about rather than knowing more about the character.

  7. #27
    Quote Originally Posted by death cab View Post
    (Tentatively titled The Human Protocol.)

    I am Darren Gordon Shepard, newly divorced dishonorable discharge from the United States Navy. Hell of a thing to tell potential employers.
    Since there has been some talk on how to word this better I will give my take.

    I am Darren Gordon Shepard, a newly divorced dishonorable discharge from the United States Navy. Hell of a thing to tell potential employers.


    I would personally use discharge as a descriptive noun, it makes the character sound much like a defective reject of the USN system. The next sentence is fine. Looking forward to reading more, good work so far.
    The beauty of writing is in the well crafted sentence.

  8. #28
    WF Veteran Elvenswordsman's Avatar
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    Good piece. I'll say I feel like I've read it before, although it's only the first couple paragraphs. The story is old, tried, and could certainly use a re-do. Perhaps you're the one to take it to new levels?

  9. #29
    Your opening is really good and it hooks you right away. Like someone before me said it could flow better but otherwise I feel like it gets the job done.

  10. #30
    I like your style and it seems to fit with what you're writing about. I don't know how you might improve it because I am new to giving constructive criticism and new here in general . I think being more clear and straight forward would help, it just seems to leave me with more questions than answers. How does mind control play into it? Mind control seems to me to be an out of place complication and loses me.
    Last edited by spirithawk41723; December 20th, 2013 at 06:39 AM.

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