My first REAL work. - Page 4

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Thread: My first REAL work.

  1. #31
    Member Nevermore's Avatar
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    Oct 2011
    Lonely King in a City of Ghosts
    Pacing, yes, fix that.


    Okay, off the bat, your biggest flaw here is the pacing. From the very beginning, I'm a bit laid off by an initial scene description consisting of "There was snow. There was cold. There were two men.", then, woman, zombie, plot.

    Secondly, the dialogue. It doesn't carry a very natural feel to it. It seems more like the characters are yelling at the sky rather than having a tense discussion. Dialogue isn't just be two characters talking, it needs to be two characters interacting. Secondly, the speaking verbs get repeated too much. Asks, asks, asks, and asks is probably the worst offender here. Also, the sudden transition from Jeff being tense that an infected person may have just stumbled straight into his camp, to the genial calmness of a page and a half later doesn't exactly help the flow. So, biggest suggestions I'd have would be work on the dialogue, and work on your pacing. I'm also not entirely sure of the merit of present tense either. You might want to read some other works that pull it off near-perfectly, pick up how exactly they do it. The best sign of top-notch-y first person is for the reader being able to go through the writing, and only think about ten chapters later "Oh, this is in present tense.". The Chaos Walking Series, or, some other online writing tidbits such as this might help.
    Scribbled the Raven in the dark, amongst the shallow gloom, "I am the one that goes bump in the night."
    "A Love/Hate/Really-Really-Hate relationship between a boy, a ghost, and the monstrosity that will stop at nothing to end them." Check out Hidden Content in the sci-fi/fantasy/horror sections!

  2. #32
    I like the idea so a diary-zombie story, that is rather clever. I think besides all the grammatical errors, another problem is your dialogue. I feel that it can get confusing like when Jeff grabs the beans and talks to Matt. we need to know why he is doing that and how he is doing it. Besides that I really like it and hope to read more of it.


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