My first REAL work. - Page 3


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Thread: My first REAL work.

  1. #21
    I would say work on building up a good atmosphere. Tension would be key in a book about surviving post-apocalyptic zombie wasteland, and I agree that people would no be so welcoming of strangers. And I noticed a rather the group had kinda lowered their guard, yet they were killing zombies with loud guns just moments before. Loud noises only draw the horde Other than that, it's a good start off for any wild adventure. Good luck in your writing!

  2. #22
    Member rotsuchi1's Avatar
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    ^^ this is really really good i love zombies. keep writing
    Please read some of my stories.... Hidden Content
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  3. #23
    Member Tipseas's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by AgentZero View Post
    @Amsawtall
    The "How it happened" Story is the only thing I DIDN'T edit out of the entire thing. (Except what popsrocket pointed out.) I think I'll go and completely re-do that bit, and edit the first post again.

    @Raptor980
    I was told that once it's obvious there's a conversation, you don't have too put names up there. Maybe I didn't make it obvious enough? I'll edit that as well.
    Generally, if two people are talking, then you don't have to use the dialog tags as much; however, you should use them when there are 3 or more people. Also, when you have line upon line of just dialog, it is best to split it up after about 5 lines, with action. Include more action in the dialog, as well, showing what the person is doing and giving away more emotions. You can also try having the person's name spoken by another character, in their dialog.

    Example of different ways to have dialog, all in one go:

    "Jane! Please come here," asked Peter.
    "I'll be there in just a second!"
    "No, get over here, now!"
    "Peter, hold your horses, give me a second," yelled Jane, as she busily packed her book bag and stood up from her desk.
    Peter stomped his foot and frowned, "You are the slowest person I know," he said in anger.
    "You're just impatient and have no manners! Oh look, here comes Tom," she said, pushing Peter out of her way.
    "You who, hey Tom! Over here!"
    Tom waved at Jane and walked over to speak to her.
    "How's it going guys, I see Pete looks upset as always."
    Jane laughed and punched Pete playfully in the arm, "Eh, don't mind sourpuss here."
    "I am NOT a sourpuss, I'll have you know we are going to be late for lunch!"
    "Chill man, lunch will be there when you want it."
    "Yeah, like Tom said, lunch will be there. Chill out!"


    Could you tell who was talking? I had 2 people talking and then made it 3.

    Happy Writing!
    Last edited by Tipseas; January 23rd, 2013 at 11:41 PM.
    "Four things greater than all things are women and horses and power and war." Rudyard Kipling

  4. #24
    I found this a little simple. If this is the opening of a novel don't just come out and call them zombies from the off.

    "There are two zombie's behind her She kills them with a pistol. She runs a bit more, and then see's the two guy's standing there. She aims her gun."

    I know we know they're zombies but be a bit more descriptive. Ignore the fact we have all seen zombie movies, present the story to us as your own.

    The dialogue is unrealistic. It sounds a little bit like kids roleplaying, as if the danger is only imaginary.

    "I've been on the road. Walking. For three months now. I'm tired. Please? I'm sorry if I come off as 'mean' It's due to my military training. I'm a bit stubborn."

    Your character doesn't have to explain everything she does. Ok she is military and this is the reason she's survived for three months in the woods making silly mistake like drawing attention to herself, but keep that till later, hold it back keep the reader asking questions, reveal slowly.

    That she happens to stumble upon a scientist that was on the phone to the guy that started it all also seems contrived. It would be better to keep the truth of how the zombies occurred a mystery till much later so that you have the reader reading on to find out.

    Just some ideas.

  5. #25
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    the conversation is dull doing little to flush out your characters, and i cant decide if your character is recounting events into his journal or if its set with days as chapters? confusing

  6. #26
    Member Woodroam's Avatar
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    Hi Agent Zero,

    You've had some very good suggestions for improvement above so I'll just suggest that you start with "Wait! Don't shoot!" Mark yells.

    You don't have to explain the scene first. What you want to do is grab the reader and make them want to find out the details -- so they read on in curiosity.

    The really long dialogues have to be broken into smaller bits. If a character has a long winded speech, have him pause, make a facial expression, sit, stand, scratch, whatever, breaking up the speech.

    You have a developing story here. Keep working on it.

    Best regards, Woodroam
    "Close the doors, you uninitiated" Orpheus
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  7. #27
    Hey!
    I started to read it and got very interested in the story.
    The writing is something to work on, the happenings and the tempo. But that can always be edited =)
    If you want help, ill gladly be interested in helping you out at ideas, giving critique so it looks and feels alive.
    please feel free to contact me.

  8. #28
    Member AgentZero's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Fressno View Post
    Hey!
    I started to read it and got very interested in the story.
    The writing is something to work on, the happenings and the tempo. But that can always be edited =)
    If you want help, ill gladly be interested in helping you out at ideas, giving critique so it looks and feels alive.
    please feel free to contact me.
    Hey man! Thanks for your input. I currently all ready have a critique and an editor helping me out, so I don't need a third one. That is also an older draft. I'm waiting on my good friend Taylor to do some editing on it and I'll send it your way. Send me an Email at [email protected]
    I hope to talk to you soon.
    Deep in the dark forest....

    It hides...

  9. #29
    Starting off with such a brash sense of hopelessness does little to encourage the reader to move on, but it does establish a mood, and as I made my way farther in, I found myself getting in to the idea a little bit more.

  10. #30
    Member AgentZero's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ZayneJ View Post
    Starting off with such a brash sense of hopelessness does little to encourage the reader to move on, but it does establish a mood, and as I made my way farther in, I found myself getting in to the idea a little bit more.
    There will be times of hopelessness. It's a zombie Novel, and I really want to bring out what zombies should be. Not strippers, or a millitary with guns a blazin'. There are very few people left alive, zombies are attrcted noise like they should, be when people say that I copy off the walking dead when I do that, that's not the case. It will be significly different from the walking dead, because even though there is drama, there will be zombie killing 10x more that. Just wait till you see the ending.
    Deep in the dark forest....

    It hides...

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