My first REAL work. - Page 2

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Thread: My first REAL work.

  1. #11
    Member AgentZero's Avatar
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    Edited! Lemme know if it's any better.
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  2. #12
    Turns out I did get through the "how it happened" story--I just couldn't tell because of the lack of formatting and the very strange "out of nowhere" Matt. He really does come out of nowhere--literally.

    I think that some interjections into Jeff's story by the woman or by Matt would make it read easier. Maybe Matt tells how he met Jeff? I don't know. It just doesn't read smoothly to me.

  3. #13
    Member Raptor980's Avatar
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    I like this, but I totally got lost in the dialogue. I couldn't tell who was who.
    War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ignorance is strength.-George Orwell

  4. #14
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    @Amsawtall
    The "How it happened" Story is the only thing I DIDN'T edit out of the entire thing. (Except what popsrocket pointed out.) I think I'll go and completely re-do that bit, and edit the first post again.

    @Raptor980
    I was told that once it's obvious there's a conversation, you don't have too put names up there. Maybe I didn't make it obvious enough? I'll edit that as well.
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  5. #15
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    I'm sensing a walking dead kind of vibe. As much as we all love the stereotypical zombie type you might wanna try and mix it up a bit.
    I wont judge any of your grammatical errors, though even i can see many. Because i am not great at that either.

    I love zombies. But avoid writing the next episode of Walking dead or a rewrite of Dawn of the dead.
    Take the idea, twist it, mold it into something completely yours, while keeping the core fear that makes zombies so damn scary.
    To write is to breath, To breath is to write.

  6. #16
    Member AgentZero's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Silen View Post
    I'm sensing a walking dead kind of vibe. As much as we all love the stereotypical zombie type you might wanna try and mix it up a bit.
    I wont judge any of your grammatical errors, though even i can see many. Because i am not great at that either.

    I love zombies. But avoid writing the next episode of Walking dead or a rewrite of Dawn of the dead.
    Take the idea, twist it, mold it into something completely yours, while keeping the core fear that makes zombies so damn scary.
    I had no idea that it was looking like the walking dead. I'll try to mix it up in the later chapter since I had no idea I did in this one, and for the record, I haven't seen dawn of the dead since I was 6, so if it looks like it then it was 97% sub-conscious.
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  7. #17
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    Its fine, just the gun-shots attracting zombies etc stood out to me, as i am a walking dead fan.
    To write is to breath, To breath is to write.

  8. #18
    I was told that once it's obvious there's a conversation, you don't have too put names up there. Maybe I didn't make it obvious enough? I'll edit that as well.
    That only applies if it's obvious WHO is speaking. You can get away with not noting the speaker if it's three or four lines, but by the time you have potentially three people participating in a long conversation it gets difficult to tell who is speaking.

  9. #19
    Member Raptor980's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by AgentZero View Post
    @Raptor980
    I was told that once it's obvious there's a conversation, you don't have too put names up there. Maybe I didn't make it obvious enough? I'll edit that as well.
    You don't have to, but in cases like these where there's three people present I don't know who's saying what sometimes.
    War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ignorance is strength.-George Orwell

  10. #20
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    Quote Originally Posted by Silen View Post
    Its fine, just the gun-shots attracting zombies etc stood out to me, as i am a walking dead fan.
    Yes, but that has applied for longer than just the walking dead. The walking dead just took it a little bit more extremely.

    Also got done with another revision. I edited the first post. Let me know what you think.
    Last edited by AgentZero; January 14th, 2013 at 02:55 AM.
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