Hanging tree inn (adult fiction) - Page 3

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Thread: Hanging tree inn (adult fiction)

  1. #21
    This was actually pretty good, very entertaining. I loved this piece

  2. #22
    Join Date
    Feb 2013
    They had been laughing and joking as they crammed their backpacks for the holiday, their enthusiasm and bravado had sent a chill of foreboding throughout my body.

    ‘A haunted room(Comma) what nonsense!’ Joe had laughed.
    ‘Just think, 7 o’clock tomorrow morning we will be handed £100 each.’ said Mark.
    ‘£100 for staying overnight in a, so called(comma!) haunted room(comma) and because we are allowed to stay there together it will be easy money… I’d have doubts about staying there on my own though.’ said Brad.
    ‘The problem with you(comma) Brad, is your over active(overactive is one word) imagination. We need the money, struggling students and all that, so tonight you will have to take control of that imagination of yours.’ said Joe.

    ‘I will… I can… honest. Of course I know there are no such things as ghosts, spirits or poltergeists.’ (I believe this should be "There is no such thing as..." then your list)
    I knew different.
    On arrival at ‘The Hanging Tree Inn’ we were met by the landlord(comma) Mr Jackson, he led the way up to the haunted room. The building had been modernized with the usual mod cons: central heating, hot and cold running water, flush toilets and double glazing, but the haunted room had none of those things. The room was antiquated, it was heated by a log fire and flickering candles provided the only means of lighting; it felt as if we had travelled (traveled) through a portal and entered yesteryear.
    ‘This is the haunted room,’ Mr Jackson said(comma) ‘asyou can see the room is still as it was on the night of 10th January1872 (10th January, 1872), the night when the hangman Elijah Kirkpatrick was brutally murdered here… in this very room, by a lynch mob of vengeful ruffians.

    There you go! You said you wanted grammar checked, so I did my best. I like the story though. It's a solidly creepy and well written. Is this the first part of something or just a quick one off? I'd love to see where it goes. I didn't read the whole thread, so hopefully I didn't miss anything!

  3. #23
    Thank you for taking the time to go over that for me Doug, punctuation and tenses are my weaknesses. I take it that you are from over the pond, for in UK English, there is a double 'L' in travelled.

    The full story is somewhere in the middle of this thread. Thanks once again, Trilby

  4. #24
    Thanks to Oldsoul, and Indianajones, for taking the time to comment on my piece.

    Thank you, Jerry you've made my day
    Last edited by Trilby; February 13th, 2013 at 11:45 AM.

  5. #25
    Join Date
    Feb 2013
    I had to do some things today so I was kinda busy. But here is the rest of the edited stuff!

    I’ll turn over the corner of this rug and show you the stains of blood that had drained out of Elijah's dying body; the dark unmistakable stains are still visible here on the wooden floor boards. Elijah was the lover of the landlady Betty Smyth. Betty was so heartbroken by Elijah’s untimely and brutal demise, she had the room locked and left as it was, as a shrine to Elijah’s memory. Over here by the window there is a perfect view of the hanging tree; it is said that this view is the reason why Elijah loved this room so much.’
    I was sat on the broad (I was sitting on), stone window sill looking out. In the sunset the barren tree was silhouetted against a claret coloured sky. There were no spirit people near the tree(comma) but there was a residual energy from a former time. I sensed a heartfelt sadness emitting from the tree;(I believe this one should be a comma because the next portion is not a separate clause) the unwitting participant in this past haphazard form of justice.
    Mr(period) Jackson continued(comma) ‘The long black cloak hanging from a bent nail in the back of the door belonged to Elijah Kirkpatrick and here in the bottom draw of the dresser is his hangman’s rope.’
    Mr(period) Jackson then opened the bottom draw(I am assuming this is a UK thing since you use it this way throughout?). The top of the draw had been sealed off with a sheet of toughened glass. Beneath the glass there was a coiled rope with the noose of the rope(I don't think "of the rope" is necessary here.) strategically placed on(at as opposed to 'on' would work better here) the top of its coils.
    ‘I’ll leave you to settle in; remember all of you have to remain in this room until 7AM in the morning(I would say 7AM OR '7 in the morning' both is redundant) to qualify for the £100 each. I’m sorry that there are no on-suite facilities in this room. But, in authentic nineteen century style there is a ceramic ewer of water and a washbasin on the marble washstand over here in this corner and for your convenience there are gosunders under the bed, one for each of you.’
    ‘Excuse me!’ said Brad ‘But, what is a gosunder?’
    ‘Go’sunder the bed,’ answered the landlord.(haha, I laughed out loud)
    ‘I can’t believe I fell for that one,’ laughed Brad.
    Once the landlord had left the room out came the bottles of vodka and Red Bull. I’m teetotal; so after a couple of hours had past, I was the only one in the room with my wits still about me. The others had laughed and drank and belittled any mention of the room being haunted. Other than to add another log to the fire, they had paid no heed to the sudden drop in temperature. They were oblivious to the fact that he had entered the room and in spirit form he was wearing the same cloak as the one hanging on the bent nail behind the door. As he looked at the others, he had grinned and rubbed his hands at their ignorance. Then he turned and focused his attention on me; he grimaced as he stared directly into my eyes, he was well aware of the fact that I was able see him; we understood each other, we were on (a) different plane from the others in the room… another dimension(comma) one that crossed the normal barriers of time and space. In order to taunt me;(should be comma, "in order to taunt me is not a stand alone clause) he pointed to the bottom draw and then he went through the motions of opening the draw and taking the rope out(taking out the rope, out is a preposition.). The cold-blooded(comma) malevolent intent of this evil entity chilled the very heart of my being. He, having sensed that I was closest to Mark, with the phantom rope in his hands(comma and delete 'he' that directly follows this because you started the sentence as "He," which makes the second redundant) he went and stood behind Mark and placed the noose over Mark’(Personal thing here, I'd use "his" because you'd just said Mark's name a few words ago in regards to whom it was he was behind) head. With my hair standing on end I leaped up into the air and gave out an almighty screech, startling my unsuspecting companions; once they had recovered from the initial shock they fell about laughing.
    ‘What is it Josh? You’re freaking us out.’
    I watched in horror as this despicable spectre slowly and meticulously proceeded to tighten the noose inch by inch, closer and closer around Marks neck. I wanted to shout out to warn them; to scream and tell them to run away from this unholy place. I opened my mouth and tried to speak, but the only sound I could utter was… ‘Miaow!’

    I like the full story a lot. It's really good. I was really engaged the whole time. Ultimately there are just a few technical things here and there. Some of them are just preferences, if they sound better to you, run with them, if not they're totally fine anyways. Sidenote: You generally use semicolons very well. It's nice to see!
    Last edited by RJA; February 14th, 2013 at 06:19 AM.

  6. #26
    Thanks for your time once again Doug, I agree with what you say and will act upon it, Ria is lucky to have you there to advise her.

    Mr./Mr it is Mr over here.

  7. #27
    Jackson then opened the bottom draw(I am assuming this is a UK thing since you use it this way throughout?).
    It is not, drawer. Also I would disagree about Mr., it is an abbreviation of Mister and therefore gets a full stop was what I was taught in an English school.
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  8. #28
    Hi Olly, that's what I was taught at school also, but you don't see it now and I can't remember the last time I saw a letter with the full stop after Mr, Mrs or Ms and therefore I felt it had fizzled out as they are 'understood', my mistake.

  9. #29
    Member lowprofile300's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Trilby View Post
    Here is the whole story...

    The Hanging Tree Inn

    I watched in horror as this despicable spectre slowly and meticulously proceeded to tighten the noose inch by inch, closer and closer around Marks neck. I wanted to shout out to warn them; to scream and tell them to run away from this unholy place. I opened my mouth and tried to speak, but the only sound I could utter was… ‘Miaow!’
    Very nice, I like the fact that you saved the twist for the last paragraph. There was no way the reader would have caught on till then. Bravo
    The only constant in life is change. Plato

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