Prologue : Chronicles of Xypaxis - Page 4


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Thread: Prologue : Chronicles of Xypaxis

  1. #31
    Yeah. I'll be happy to do so. I'll PM you my email address. It'll take me a while and I might go ahead and run it through my grammar check. Just in case.

  2. #32
    Maybe you can try it like this?

    "Report," the King requests, his voice bellowing in the gray sunlight room.

    "Sire, we... have an intruder." The plate-clad guardsman announced. In shock his eyes expanded at sight of his King doning his old forgotten armor, tarnished and dusty from the lack of use. This not the light ceremonial armor his leader wears today, no. This day, the armor of the warrior King, adorned with Xyparis well-known symbol, the golden paw, appears on the pauldrons... and weigh his sire's shoulders down. Yet an still, with decades of inactive, the heavy plate still subtlety glints in the light, remembering the bloodsoaked days it shone bright. Days long past, but not forgotten, not completely.

    His servant boy, trained to assist the King in all things but war, waddled around the great man standing before him struggling to carry the thick platemail up the step stool. "... I see." The old King says, shooing the boy's clumsy hands away from the thick leather straps that hold the armor place. Years have taken inches off of his once barrelled chest. "You have to tie it here first, see?" the King directed the youth.

    "The man, he wields great magic sire."

    "You cannot stop him?"

    His young face stiffened at the thought of failing his King. "We are your loyal guardsman will not fail in keeping you safe."

    "Fine, fine," the King responded, his still beautiful emerald eyes now fixed on his handpicked protector. They were all handpicked in fact. Chosen to protect and serve not just the himself, but the empire. "I knew your father, son. We fought together you know."

    "Yes sire," Fearfully, he held the old King's gaze, memerized by the eyes that saw great war, the eyes that oversaw the longest period of peace any country has seen... the eyes he's sworn fealty to.

    The point I'm probably doing a poor job of showing is at this juncture you want to draw people in, have them care about the characters. Rarely do people care about the landscape or history of a place, they tend to care about the people that inhabit the place and their history in relation to the location.

    Maybe if you can find a way to start with the people as others have stated?
    Last edited by Tettsuo; January 11th, 2013 at 09:46 PM.
    Where you can purchase a copy of Fallen Sun, my second novel. Hidden Content

  3. #33
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    The way you have written that sounds like a good place to start, the only flaw in the matter is that in its current state, the ending depends fully on the fact the king does not attempt to stop the necromancer he attempts to trick him, but in turn is tricked himself by a greater power. so to do it in this way would involve a large rewrite that i would have to plan down to the last detail. I am currently attempting to peice together what i need for such a re write.
    To write is to breath, To breath is to write.

  4. #34
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    Please check the original post, a new version has been added
    To write is to breath, To breath is to write.

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