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Thread: Of Fire And Ice - A Young Adult Romance

  1. #41
    krishenry, you have a really really nice fluid writing style. Either tense would read as it should and I like the way you present and describe your characters. The reader gets a feel of what they are like. Hope you keep going with it, I'd love to hear more.

  2. #42
    Thank you, summer Rest assured I am still working on this story, but I have hit a bit of writer's block. There's a scene I'm stuck on how it should look.

    Any help would be wonderful and I appreciate the compliment

  3. #43

    Red face A small update!

    Just letting everyone here know that I am still alive and well and working on this story. But writer's block is still eating away at me.

    I did however decide to change the main character's name to Lucas Maxwell rather than Grey Wolf in order for things to flow more smoothly in later chapters.

    I will write again once the next scene is solid in my mind

    Thanks for all the help and support you've given me and for being so patient! I do hope it continues!

    A sneak peek at what my book cover will look like once this story is completed and published
    Click image for larger version. 

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  4. #44
    WF Veteran Cadence's Avatar
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    Pretty good cover, IMO. Looks professional.
    "If you die, I'll kill you." - Zoro, One Piece
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  5. #45
    Thank you, Cadence That's exactly what I was going for

  6. #46
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    Good day krishenry,

    I just recently started a young adult Novel myself. I read that many have replied to your post, I’ll just point out some of my suggestions. First, off kudos for taking on the hard task of writing a Novel, you need to pat yourself on the back for that.

    Your Chapters were written in First Person Point of View, some of the best young adult novels are written in First Person because it includes the thoughts and perspectives of one main character, who’s telling his/her own story. But remember, the reader can only know what the main character knows. Only in Third person can the reader take on the thoughts and perspectives of other characters. Now that you started in First Person make sure the narration is consistent, develop her personality and soon readers will read the story and truly get a sense of who your main character is and what she is going through.

    When you were describing your main character’s physical appearance, the sentence flow and structure could use some improvement.

    Not that I wasn’t a looker myself. I too had that slim build, with chocolate brown hair that fell past my shoulders, a bit of natural wave included, and bright green eyes. And I was certainly nice enough…I tried to tell Lindsay the ‘Maybe I’m just too boring’ line, which earned me a jab to the ribs and a pep talk.”

    For example:

    “I was considered a rare beauty, all thanks to good genes. My mother had a slender build like a gymnast. My body wasn’t as fit but as thin. I remember brushing my mother’s brunette hair, how natural it would wave even after it was combed through. She would do the same for me, how I loved feeling my mother’s fingers tickle my scalp, she would look at me and say ‘how I had my father’s green eyes, bright like emeralds’. I felt nice looking… ‘maybe I was just boring’, who knows? Lindsay would always give me a pep talk when I put myself down.”

    This is just an example of how you can describe your character’s appearance by “showing them” instead of “telling them”. Use memories, or outside prompts that would hint how your main character looks like.

    Never group a description of your main character in one paragraph. Show your readers what she looks like instead of telling them what she looks like. Also, have you thought that maybe readers don’t need to know how your protagonist looks like? Letting them guess is a good thing too. Otherwise, compare and contrast with other characters, use dialogue or metaphors to describe her. Oh, and avoid the mirror trick, its cliché.

    Overall, after reading Chapter One and Two I think you have a good story, the plot is set but I am wondering what the inciting incident was? What is the event that is going to change or bring conflict to your main character? Is something going to happen during Thanksgiving break?

    Keep up the good work; let me know when you have more chapters posted.

    ~Cheers
    ~ Ms. Stephanie L. Lamoureux

    "Everyone should be respected as an individual, but no one idolized." ~ Albert Einstein

  7. #47
    WF Veteran Cadence's Avatar
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    Never group a description of your main character in one paragraph.
    I've come across it myself in dozens of YA books I've read. Sometimes it's done in a single sentence. I think it comes down to the pacing of the scene itself - sometimes it works to go into details, sometimes all you need is a few choice phrases and your reader has everything they need, without being distracted from the scene itself.
    "If you die, I'll kill you." - Zoro, One Piece
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  8. #48
    I have been following this thread (somewhat) without comment.
    YA Romance isn't really my thing, but most things I would have commented on have already been mentioned - as well as others I didn't even notice.

    Stephanie mentions first person being great due to getting thought process from the main character, which I agree with. With many stories, the thought process of a main character can be the difference between them being liked or being loved. It can also explain certain actions that might go against the characters fundamental design. I can't stand when a character inexplicably acts "out of character"

    You said this is your first attempt at a Novel?
    Aside from what school taught you about grammar, spelling and writing... is this actually your first attempt at writing, or just at writing a novel? It's impressive that you can paint so well with your words.

    I don't want to post yet another essay to someones post, so I am going to give three personal opinions based solely on your first post and not flood into chapter two or respond to the many comments posted so far.

    1: Titles
    When I read the title, I instantly thought of "A song of fire and Ice" from the Game of Thrones Saga by George R. R. Martin. - For that reason, i instantly disliked your title and did not think it would be about Romance. Had I seen it on a book shelf, I would have picked it up, checked what was written on the back and put it back on the shelf. I know you shouldn't judge a book by the cover, but I can't help it. The title grabs me first, the cover second... the real selling point however is the little piece on the back that tells a bit about the story.

    So - Title makes me pick it up, because it is a good title. But thanks to Game of Thrones I am now thinking of the wrong Genre. Having suddenly picked up a book with a different Genre in mind, I put your book back because it's not what I expected. Had I expected a romance upon reading the title, or had no expectations at all... the piece on the back would have determined if I buy it.

    ^ That wont be true for everyone, but I am one who would have read and from what I have seen so far, liked your story - but did not buy it for such a stupid reason.



    2. Painting characters and dialogue.

    The introduction of the room-mate best friend I liked, the reference to yin-yang that made them almost polar opposites I liked because it made their friendship seem more plausible once I learned more about Lindsay.
    Then came across:
    . I was quiet, somewhat laid back, while she was energetic and a bit silly.
    a bit silly. < I instantly questioned their age and looked back up to confirm I had read "college" and I let the word slip. "energetic and a bit silly" made me think of primary (elementary) kids. Maybe eight or so years old. Ignorin that I moved on.
    Her cheerleader looks giving her that innocent yet kick-butt-as-needed appeal. And as the weeks passed, she sort of grew on me.
    Yes. That sounds more like it, I think...
    and then...

    “Hey, Lindsay. You haven’t gotten your coffee yet?”


    “I didn’t want to seem impolite.” she said. “Thought it would be more fun to stand in the line together.”
    My mind blanked and started trying to repaint Lindsay:
    "Kick your butt if I have to cheerleader" (Cool)
    "Acts silly" (immature)
    I didn't want to seem impolite" (mature - also, it's a best friend she is waiting for, wouldn't it have been more likely she'd have known what Becky likes and bought both drinks whilst she waited? She is energetic type so it's unlikely she likes to wait)
    “Thought it would be more fun to stand in the line together.” (mixed thoughts: Lonely? Shy? Doesn't like being alone? Constantly needs and seeks companionship, so she is needy? and 'more fun to stand together'? 'more fun'? ... is that how people in college talk in America - or anywhere? Not here I know that.)


    “So what are you doing after exams?”


    “Ugh…don’t even say that word!” I hated exams. Tests in general. Sure, I had a 4.0 GPA, and I liked my teachers and most of my classes. But that doesn’t mean I liked everything about them.
    When the question "what are you doing after the exams?" I assumed it was Becky talking - stereotypically it's the cheerleader who dislikes exams and the quiet type that is Becky would be more likely to ask right? Then Becky is the one who hates exams, despite being the quiet laid back type. I am a laid back person and I don't feel any pressure from exams at all - or work deadlines, falling behind on deadlines... I am pretty immune to pressure and most forms of stress. Being laid back is more of a curse than a bonus in some ways, because it also prevents incentive for promotions if the wage increase isn't high enough or to find work after being made redundant and many other drawbacks depending on just how laid back a person is. Anyway, as a laid back person, the roles of the two people seemed reversed.

    Anyway, enough with two, because at this point in your story - as someone pointed out, the beginning is the hook that makes someone read on. As a first draft I see the potential - but with this first edit, this is pretty much where I forced myself to read on and see how it progresses rather than read on from interest. I can only let so many things that conflict with me pass before I have to stop reading.

    This isn't your writing, this is my reading preference and I can't help it. Reading Game of Thrones for example, I read book one slowly, two and three was better and I flew through them so fast my brother (who was reading reading fourth book when I started the first) had only just started Dance with Dragons (5th book) when I started the 4th. Then comes the fifth book, my brother finished it the same time I finished reading the 4th book, but I couldn't finish reading the fifth. Eventually I put it on a shelf in my bedroom and never touched it again. The read had become too boring for me to force myself to continue and I no longer craved to know what happened next.


    3 Other thoughts.

    You character descriptions paint the character that you designed. It is me who got wrapped up in stereotypes not you. That's not something I think you should be concerned with - what does matter though is that characters don't have contradicting qualities - such as mature dialogue from an immature person. I believe I read someone comment on your dialogue once already but during my ramble I forgot what was said.

    I especially like the way you paint certain scenes. You have a knack for that and I envy it a little. ^_^

    I shrugged off my coat, setting it aside to reveal the yellow sweater underneath, resting my hands on my blue jeaned lap, the fabric still cool under my fingers from the chill outdoors. I gave them a few brisk rubs with my hands to warm them, hoping I wouldn’t accidentally shock myself afterwards.
    My imagination is very visual. This may sound odd to some, but there are people (such as a certain friend who reads a lot) that read words and see words and follow a story properly. I however am not one of those people. When I start reading, I soon have a picture in my head and I no longer see words at all. I see a scene like in a movie unfolding in my brain. During that time, I could only tell you what I saw and would have no idea what I read. For this reason, typing mistakes that trip up my eyes or grammar problems or story voice changes etc... they hit a pause button in my mind and the two big lines on the screen interupt my reading.
    My point is:
    In that section quoted above, the yellow sweater, the cold hands and the static ready to give a shock painted a very visible scene in my head. It was the second time in your writing that my mind broke away from words and painted pictures. The first being: a slim, bubbly, blue-eyed blonde waving her arm to grab my attention.

    Stories that keep the scene vivid is my kind of story. No matter what Genre (but primarily why I like fantasy fiction - though I have found it in many genres, fantasy fiction rarely lets me down ^_^). The longer the movie plays in my mind as I turn the pages of your book, the more I like it. If you can keep the pictures flowing even during dialogue, I would be annoyed I can't already buy the book now.

    Anyway, thats my two scents. As you can see, from just talking about the start of your first post, I have quite the reply already... which is exactly why I didn't extend my reply to include everything in the thread so far.

    Happy writing and I look forward to hearing that this story one day gets published




    ~Kev

    Last edited by Greimour; August 7th, 2013 at 01:48 PM.

  9. #49
    I think maybe bec. it starts w/ two girls meeting at starbucks (which is so commonplace and dull), that something interesting needs to happen right away/ before they're in line to get coffee (where I had to stop reading)

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