Of Fire And Ice - A Young Adult Romance - Page 4

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Thread: Of Fire And Ice - A Young Adult Romance

  1. #31
    direction? It's not supposed to have much. It's a cheerful opening introducing a few of the characters.
    Picked up on this line. Letting us get used to the characters is a good use of the first few chapters, but if there isn't any direct relelvance to the plot or necessity, the story might suffer.

    Consider: if the story can include some events before the story 'picks up' so to speak, why not go further back? Why not have hundreds of pages of things that happen before?

    Obviously, you'd turn your reader off. But you can turn your reader off with but a few less effective chapters, especially at the beginning.
    Sleep is for the weak, or sleep is for a week.
    -------------------------------------------------------------
    I write about anime and internet culture at Hidden Content

  2. #32
    Chapter 5 is here!

    Of Fire And Ice
    By Kristen Crawford
    Chapter Five

    We arrived at the airport about 10:30 the next morning. It was now ten ‘til 11 and having already gotten our tickets about ten minutes before, we now began weaving our way through the crowds of people, heading towards our flight gate. It was very easy to get lost and disoriented in such a big place and I made sure to keep paced and focused, despite the fact that I was right beside my parents anyway. After all, you never know what can happen.


    “Flight 257, British Columbia, now boarding.” I heard the female voice over the loudspeakers call out.



    “Ah, here we are!” my dad said, our gate and stewardess coming into view.



    She thanked us as we handed her our tickets then headed onto the plane.



    The flight to Canada was long and rocky. Not because of turbulence or air sickness, or even the cramped leg room, but mostly because for some reason I got the bad seat. Bad because some little kid in the seat behind me was jamming his foot in my back. And it took all I had not to jerk my head back and shout or strangle him. Okay, so I wouldn’t go that far, but still…he did deserve a good shout. Scare him so bad, he’d wet himself. I did my best to compress a groan, both in my head and aloud. Why weren’t his parents doing anything? This flight couldn’t be over soon enough…



    My legs were stiff as stone by the time we landed in Alberta. After that, it was just a short ride to our chalet in British Columbia. I couldn’t wait to get there and unpack so I could give my legs a good stretch by walking. And I had my digital camera in my bag so I could take pictures.



    One rental car and fifteen minutes later, we arrived at Cedar Horse, which wasn’t far from the lodge and ski lift. I followed suit after my parents, hopping out of the back and grabbing my suitcase before shutting my own door.



    The outside was a chocolate brown, built kind of like a girl scout cabin you see in the movies. Inside was warm and roomy, with soft area rugs atop light hardwood floors, with a wood stove in the corner, along with a TV, couch and a small bookshelf, various pictures and paintings outlining the wall which was a Christmassy green. Just around the corner, I could see a large country home kitchen and bar, fitted with your everyday modern appliances and sliding glass windows.



    To the left of the bookshelf was a set of French-style doors that opened to the bedroom. Inside were two queen beds, closets and unstained oak dressers. The headboards appeared to be made of wicker and the mattresses were covered with red-and-white plaid sheets. Connected to the bedroom was the bathroom, with cream white walls, a small sink and toilet, along with a medicine cabinet and a tub with a shower to the right, a wooden chair and tower rack from behind, a white cotton robe hanging on the rack as well. And more pictures, of course.



    The inside of the house explored, I headed out to the back area, noting a grey marble hot tub just below deck, already filled with steaming hot water, along with a black barbeque grill and a wood furnished eating area. This was going to be one heck of a vacation.


    Awhile later, I tied on my boots and put on my coat, gloves and scarf, calling out to my parents that I was going for a walk and I’d be back, shutting the door behind me.


    Before heading down the stairs, I double-checked to make sure I had my compass, camera, pepper spray and mini flashlight in my pocket. Check.


    Looking out to the east, I noticed a forested area. Maybe there’d be a trail I could walk on. And since I had my compass with me there’s no way I could get lost. Or so I thought.


    Ten minutes into my walk, and about six photos later, I stopped in my tracks, hearing a distant wolf howl. Should I be wary? It hadn’t sounded close. I continued on, not noticing a shadowy form, its beady eyes watching me.



    Not too far away, a young man was just putting out his campfire after cooking some fish he’d caught from the stream. His name was Lucas Maxwell.


    He looked up in alarm, suddenly hearing a woman’s scream. Grabbing his set of cooked fish, he darted off toward the sound.


    I was now surrounded by wolves, holding a large branch in my hand, having used all of the pepper spray on them beforehand. While it stunned them, it didn’t chase them off for good. Since wolves hunted in packs, more always stepped in to take over for the injured.


    I gave the branch a swing, the nearest wolf just grabbing in its sharp teeth, another wolf taking this chance to pounce on me. I yelped and fell back, hitting my head on the tree behind me.


    Just before losing consciousness, there is a blur and a yelp as the wolf is kicked off of me. I tried to move my head to see my savior, but I didn’t get the chance, my vision blurring before I slipped into darkness.
    Last edited by krishenry; July 23rd, 2013 at 10:47 PM.

  3. #33
    I just want to point out one thing in the story that really threw me off. When the main character touted her own "assets" in the first person, all while you tried to convince us of her apparent modesty.

    "Not that I wasn’t a looker myself. I too had that slim build, with chocolate brown hair that fell past my shoulders, a bit of natural wave included, and bright green eyes. And I was certainly nice enough…I tried to tell Lindsay the ‘Maybe I’m just too boring’ line, which earned me a jab to the ribs and a pep talk."

    A sure way to turn readers off of your character very quickly.

  4. #34
    Now, this is a good story. It does make you want to read more. I'm not going to get into anything, but I do not think people should just negitively vote on something like this. This is an ambitious story. Don't give up!
    READ THE CATLYST NOW UNDER FICTION FORUMS

  5. #35
    Aww, thanks, CB!

    You're right, they shouldn't. But everyone's opinion is different. Still, I'm not going to let them discourage me. And I do understand that some are only trying to help. I did say this was in the developmental stages, after all. And sometimes I get ahead of myself, making minor mistakes I don't always catch as one commenter pointed out.

    All I can do is keep trying and keep writing! So glad you enjoyed this and there's definitely more to come!

  6. #36
    I thought about that. But since most of what goes on in later chapters explains all this, there'd really be no need to go back and redo it all. Adding backstory to a backstory. And besides, side stories only add to the excitement and intrigue!

    I can only hope I can make my story better as it goes along. Basically, I'm just winging it. Writing whatever comes to mind. And so far, most are pleased with the results. Myself included

  7. #37
    Quote Originally Posted by krishenry View Post
    I thought about that. But since most of what goes on in later chapters explains all this, there'd really be no need to go back and redo it all. Adding backstory to a backstory. And besides, side stories only add to the excitement and intrigue!

    I can only hope I can make my story better as it goes along. Basically, I'm just winging it. Writing whatever comes to mind. And so far, most are pleased with the results. Myself included
    I'm not going to argue with anything you say here because, pretty much, that's the way I write myself and it seems to work for me.

    But I do hope you know that the people trying to help aren't insulting your story, they're seeing the potential in it. And they wouldn't comment and suggest things if they didn't enjoy the story in the first place.

    I was very impressed. It moves along really nicely and I quite like the voice of the MC, and the attitude of the piece. I look forward to reading more of it and if you ever do feel need for constructive criticism, just say so.

    Best,

    -G.

  8. #38
    Don't worry, I do know. My family sees its potential too and they love how far it has come in the short time I've been writing this. It's because of them and people like you I feel inspired to keep going Thank you very much

  9. #39

    Red face

    Chapter 6 is ready!

    Of Fire And Ice
    By Kristen Crawford
    Chapter Six

    I slowly opened my eyes to see a wooden ceiling. This wasn’t the chalet…



    Where am I…” I muttered.


    Ah, good, you’re awake.”


    I sat up in alarm, seeing my rescuer just feet from me, and scooted back, my lower back pressing against the arm of the couch. I moved a bit too quickly though it appeared as I felt a wave of dizziness and a throbbing in the back of my head. I groaned, putting my hand on my forehead.



    Easy. I’m not going to harm you.” he said. His voice was soft and smooth. He appeared to be around my age...and all out HOT! Fair skin, muscular, brownish black hair that reached his shoulders and framed his face a bit, beautiful brown eyes...
    He wore a red checkered shirt that was open just enough for me to see part of his chest, jeans that were a deep royal blue and brown winter boots.

    And though my body relaxed at his gentle tone, his appearance harmless, I still kept my guard up. I’d been fooled by this manner once before with my ex. No way was I about to be so naďve a second time.



    You saved me back there…”


    He nodded.



    Who are you? Where are we? Where did you come from?”


    My name is Lucas. Lucas Maxwell. And this is my cabin. Lucky for you I was closeby or you would have been that pack’s next meal.”


    Why did they attack me? Aren’t wolves usually timid?”


    Food and territory are growing scarce so they are becoming desperate. You were just in the wrong place at the wrong time. After I heard you scream, I ran as fast as I could, following their growls and tracks I came across. When I saw that wolf ontop of you, I leapt into action. Once I saw your unconscious form there after drawing their attention to myself, I tossed my fish to buy more time, ran over and scooped you up, running back here.”


    You were very brave. Thank you for saving me.”


    How are you feeling?”


    Like I got hit by a sledgehammer…”


    Already prepared.” he said, holding up a small glass. I took it from him and gave a light sniff. Cinnamon? He held out a rag to me.
    “Put that on the rag and press it where it hurts.”



    I felt confused, but did as asked. A few minutes later, my headache was gone.



    He smiled at my apparent surprise. “Cinnamon oil and crushed cloves. One of nature’s best remedies. Ten milliliters oil and three grams cloves, in case you want to know exactly.”



    Let me guess: You’re a doctor.”


    He laughed, exposing his pearly whites more. “Not a doctor. Just very intune. When you’re raised as I had been, you learn many things.”



    So what are you saying, that you’re better than me?”


    Not at all. I find you quite beautiful and I can see in your eyes that you are strong with much potential. It’s just a matter of bringing it out. If you like I could teach you.”


    I know plenty.”


    Do you? You could know a lot more. Just in case.”


    I paused a moment, taking his last line into account. He did have a point. And he
    did just save me. But could I really trust him. Could I be such a burden to a total stranger? I looked back at him, directly into his eyes. “You’d teach me.”


    Another nod. “If you like.”



    I gave it a momentary thought before nodding. It would probably help me out. And I did enjoy “roughing it”. It could feel like I was camping with my dad all over again. Maybe.



    I set my foot down on the floor and started to get up, only to wince and start to fall. But then I felt a strong pair of arms under mine.



    Easy. I’ve got you.”


    I felt a blush rise to my cheeks at feeling his soft cotton shirt against my face. His embrace was firm yet gentle and his body was warm against mine. I looked up to meet his chocolate brown eyes. “Sorry…” I muttered.



    He set me back on the couch carefully and began to feel around my ankle. I winced when he touched a certain spot. “Looks like a sprained ankle.”



    I thought back, realizing that during my escape I must’ve tripped while running. And my adrenaline must’ve numbed the pain.



    What? But I can’t have a sprained ankle! I go back home in a few days!”

    Where is home?”


    I rather not tell you.”


    Then could you tell me your name?”


    Rebecca Fox. But everyone calls me Becky.”


    A beautiful name for a beautiful woman,” he complimented, smiling.


    Flattery will get you nowhere.” I scowled.


    This fox has bite, I see.” He chuckled. “Don’t worry. As I promised, I mean you no harm. But you may need to stay here to recover. You are injured and will be dark soon. And a storm’s on the way. At least stay the night.”


    I really should get back. My parents will be worried. Can’t we beat the storm?”


    While I do have a vehicle to drive you, it would be safer to stay put. We can’t risk getting caught in it after dark. The forecast earlier said so.”


    Stay here? With a man I hardly knew? I felt the butterflies rise in my stomach again. Reaching into my jeans pocket, I checked the display on my cellphone, which I always carried with me no matter where I went. A signal, but a weak one. What would I even tell them?



    Taking a deep breath, I dialed the number and put it to my ear. Let’s hope the next call made wasn’t to a hospital or a police station.
    Last edited by krishenry; July 23rd, 2013 at 11:34 PM. Reason: Decided on different main male name and detailed appearance more

  10. #40
    Of Fire And Ice
    By Kristen Crawford
    Chapter Seven

    After the third ring, I heard the sound of the phone being picked up.

    “Hello?”

    “Hi, mom, it's me.”


    “Becky! Where are you, are you alright?”


    “I'm fine, mom, I’m just taking shelter from a coming storm. I...got a little hung up. But I'm okay in this cabin I found and will be back once it passes.”


    “Another cabin? Whose-”


    “I'll explain everything later. Better go now. Love you, mom. Bye.”


    I hung up, letting out the breath I hadn’t realized I'd been holding.


    “Everything alright?”


    “Yeah. Should be now. Thanks.”


    “I’m going to gather some firewood. I shall be back momentarily.”


    He turned and left, leaving me to fully take in my surroundings of the cabin.
    It was surprisingly roomy and I wondered how it looked from the outside as well. To the left of me was a large stone fireplace, topped with various figures of Indians and wolves, some even being wood carvings. Ones of which I wondered if he’d done them himself. A small pile of firewood was already at its left side, tools for the fireplace on the right side.

    Across from me was the kitchen. From my angle on the couch, I couldn’t quite see it all, but it appeared to be fairly modern. With half stained, half white painted oak countertops and matching kitchen table for four in the center, a large French style window to its right with no curtains. There was what appeared to be a black refrigerator to the left and black stove and microwave to the right, both attached to the sink countertop. Above the sink was a wooden cabinet, probably holding drinking glasses.

    To my right was an upstairs, which I guessed led to the bathroom and bedroom. And in the far corner, a desk with a chair and open laptop. Light poured in from all the exposed windows, brightening every room. And I felt intrigued to see the upstairs, but I knew I couldn’t risk it without Lucas’s help, not unless I wanted something other than a hurt ankle.

    I turned my head at the sound of footsteps on the hardwood floor. Lucas had returned, cradling a small stack of firewood in both arms and I watched as he added to the previously made pile before tossing a few logs into the fireplace then reaching into his pocket, pulling out a set of matches and striking one before tossing it too inside. It wasn’t long before the logs were ablaze, the room instantly warmer.

    “That feels much better.” I replied and he rewarded me with another soft smile.

    Lucas’s prediction of the weather had also been correct. Ten minutes after settling in, the blizzard hit with a vengeance.
    The wind whistled and howled in my ears as I looked up, looking past my rescuer who was in the kitchen making cocoa to see thick snowflakes blow sideways out the window. I shivered and pulled the blanket he’d given me closer, glad I had convinced myself to stay after all.

    I took my cup from him upon his return. “Is it always this bad up here?”

    “Not always. Just another strange weather pattern. It’ll pass. And don’t worry; we are perfectly safe.”

    I put my cup thoughtfully to my lips before taking a sip. “Mmm…wow, this is very good! What’s your secret?”

    “The grocery store?” he smirked.

    We both laughed. Maybe this wouldn’t be so bad after all…
    Last edited by krishenry; July 23rd, 2013 at 11:26 PM. Reason: Decided on different main male name

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