Of Fire And Ice - A Young Adult Romance - Page 3


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Thread: Of Fire And Ice - A Young Adult Romance

  1. #21
    Most of the stories I read like this though are in past tense. At least the book that inspired this one. And it still grips you in hard.

    I think past or present POV, if it can still keep you reading and wanting more, you're clearly doing something right

  2. #22
    I think past or present POV, if it can still keep you reading and wanting more, you're clearly doing something right
    Very true. Most of what I'm reading is in present tense. Why? Because the writer wanted it to be that way. Power to the writer!

    Do keep the past tense version of this. If it turns out I'm wrong, it's better the other way, you wouldn't want to have to go over it all again.
    Sleep is for the weak, or sleep is for a week.
    -------------------------------------------------------------
    I write about anime and internet culture at Hidden Content

  3. #23
    Will do Thanks for voicing such valid opinion though and sticking up for me. I appreciate it. It puts my mind at ease regarding confusion and otherwise

  4. #24
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    Cool. Back on the topic of past/present tense: Just noticed something.


    First of all, don't have the narrator use the present tense. It doesn't sound right.


    Im Theresa

    Could you clarify what you meant, empresstheresa?

    This is just more quibbling on your part, but I'll reply to show people what you're doing and how trivial it is.

    Right there on page one, on paragraph two in fact, Theresa says, "Nobody could have dreamed of what I would do a few years later, and nobody would have believed it if theyd been told, but when this story began I was a little girl ......"
    After that, having established that she is telling her story after the fact and telling us who she is in the book's first two words ( "I was Theresa" wouldn't quite make it! }, she consistently uses the past tense for the remainder of the book.

    It's obvious that Theresa is telling the story from a later date. She's telling you what happened in the past.

    Likewise, in To Kill a Mockingbird, there are many clues that the narrator is speaking about the past. On page two Scout mentions Jem's broken arm which happens at the end of the book, and at the end of the story when Scout walks Boo to his house and he goes inside, she says, "I never saw him again". ( said in the book ) Also, there are countless observations in the book which are clearly beyond the ability of a nine year old girl.


    Not so difficult to understand, is it folks?

  5. #25
    ^Continuing this via PM.
    Sleep is for the weak, or sleep is for a week.
    -------------------------------------------------------------
    I write about anime and internet culture at Hidden Content

  6. #26
    Here's chapter 3, everybody Enjoy

    Of Fire And Ice
    By Kristen Crawford

    Chapter Three
    The ride home was a wary one, though the conversations weren’t so much. We spent most of our time playing “I Spy” and talking about boys and listening to music on the radio, a mix of rock and Christmas songs, at times singing along. I stared ahead out my windshield, watching the light dusting of snow flurries hit the glass and listening to the squeaky swish-swish-swish of the wipers as they swayed side to side, keeping my view clear. For how long though, nobody knew for sure.

    As it turns out, Lindsay only lived in the next town over from me. Surprising seeing how we’d never met until last year. Or maybe we’d crossed paths without realizing. Neither one of us really knew. But it was a day I won’t forget.


    One year ago
    Dear Ms. Rebecca Fox,
    We are pleased to inform you that your ACT and SAT testing scores were above average and you have now been accepted into Bridgewood College. Please call us at 555-6897 for directions and to schedule a tour of the campus. We will answer any questions you have at that time.
    Congratulations and welcome to Bridgewood. We hope to see you soon and for the Fall semester.
    Sincerely,
    Thomas Adams
    Dean of Students

    That was the last thing I read before hurriedly telling my parents. My father smiled as he sat on his end of the kitchen table and Mom threw her arms around me in an excited hug with a squeal and laugh.

    “Congratulations, Becky! We knew you’d make it!”

    Two weeks later, we’re all standing in the auditorium for student orientation. I looked around in the crowded room and noticed I was not the only one with my parents making what I call a “guest appearance”. When we’d toured some of the school and the dorms before, I hadn’t realized that I’d only seen a handful of the students here. This place was bigger than I first thought. My attention fell back onto the dean as he continued his speech.

    This was it. I would officially be a student at Bridgewood.

    ********
    The following morning, I trudged slowly up the stairs, suitcases in both hands. I had just swiped my ID I’d been made and given the day before, my parents already having dropped me off and moved some of my stuff into my new dorm room. Not wanting to put down such heavy bags a second or third time, I turned sideways, pressing down on the door handle with my elbow and nudging it open with my shoulder.

    I looked up to a brightly-colored room, almost blinding after being in the dimness of the hallway. But my eyes quickly adjust. A mix of my stuff and what must’ve been my roommate’s. The first thing that caught my attention is a pinup board, covered in what must be pictures of her, both in casual clothes and a cheerleader outfit, on what’s clearly school grounds and…maybe her house?

    I walked back over toward the bed, not quite tossing my suitcases as they land with a hard thud, then sat down, my arms now sore. Falling slowly backwards, I rubbed them before closing my eyes. One little break wouldn’t hurt before I unpacked, right? Just one…little…

    “Hi, you must be Rebecca!”

    I gasped and quickly sat up, the voice having jolted me awake. I’m still in a daze as I look at the girl standing just a few feet from me.

    “Oh, I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to wake you! Do you want some help unpacking?”

    “Huh…?” I mumbled, still half-asleep before looking at the clock. It was now 3PM. I’d been out of it two whole hours. Great. “Yeah…And it’s..Becky, actually..”

    “Nice to meet you, Becky! I’m Lindsay!”

    “Likewise.” I stared at her, bewildered but still too out of it to really move. How could she have so much energy? Oh, right…Cheerleader. Let’s just hope the rude awakenings weren’t a part of that, too.

    “Let me help you with your things, okay?” She strolled over and opened the first suitcase and I helped her once my legs found the energy to do so.

    Present Day

    Twenty minutes or so later, we’d safely arrived at my house. It wasn’t much to look at. Medium size, white trim, black roof with a fenced yard…Your typical all-american home.

    I looked at Lindsay as we unbuckle our seatbelts. “I need to stop in and check on Autumn. Want to come in for a few minutes?”

    “Sure,” she replied, smiling. “I love cats.”

    Autumn was our year-old tortoiseshell whom we’d adopted from my uncle as a kitten this past fall. He’d found her as a stray, cold and shivering and dirty under some old newspapers one rainy morning. He took her in and got her back to full health and when he told us about her, we just
    couldn’t say no.

    I’m greeted with her meow, purr and leg rub as I unlocked the door and enter the house, Lindsay right behind me.

    “Hey, girl.” I bent down with a smile as I stroked her from head to tail, making her purr louder. “I missed you, too. And it looks like Aunt Bess did a great job of looking out for you. Good.”
    The three of us headed into the kitchen and I grabbed two mugs and two packets of cocoa along with a bag of marshmellows, filling the teapot with water and setting it on the stove for our hot chocolate.

    “Hot cocoa to go?” I asked, even though I already knew the answer. We drink a lot of hot chocolate on campus.

    “You bet!”

    Moments later and mugs in hand, we’re back on the road again. And I’d make sure I was back before lunch.

    Tomorrow would be very busy. For all of us.

    Last edited by krishenry; November 24th, 2012 at 08:48 PM.

  7. #27
    Chapter 4 is here! Enjoy, everybody Hope you all had a nice Thanksgiving
    Of Fire And Ice
    By Kristen Crawford
    Chapter Four

    I awoke the next morning bright and early on the Thompson’s couch, my head turning to the window. Just as I expected, it had snowed. Enough to give the yards a light blanket of snow, but nothing more.

    ‘Well, that explains the morning chill.’ I thought as I sat up, wrapping the blanket around me. I looked over at the grandfather clock which stood tall against the side of the wall directly in front of me. 8:25AM. Lindsay would be up soon. And I should probably call my parents later too to find out when they’d arrive. I wanted to be there before they got home.

    I planted my feet onto the wood floor and stood up, glad I decided to keep my socks on the evening before. Heading into the kitchen, I fetched a glass and the orange juice, pouring then drinking it slowly, savoring its tarty taste on my tongue as it wet my dry throat and quenched my thirst.

    Footsteps are heard a moment later, and I look up to see Lindsay’s mother walk in.

    “Good morning, Mrs. Thompson.” I said with a smile. “I sort of helped myself to some of your orange juice. I hope you don’t mind.”

    “Of course not, dear.” she smiled back. “Help yourself. Believe me, we have plenty to go around. At least today. Would you like to stay and help?”

    “Be glad to.” I answered. “But I’m afraid I can’t for very long. My parents will be home in a few hours and I promised I’d be there.”

    Lindsay’s mother, Barbera, looked just like her daughter, except she wore her sun-blonde hair up in a bun and clearly pregnant, as I observed her round, large belly, pressed gently against the counter’s edge. I could swear I saw it give a jump, but tried to ignore it as she started to talk again.

    “What does your father do?” Another silent jump.

    “He’s a photographer and editor for a nature and travel magazine. I guess you could say that’s what inspired my own career plans. But he also does stuff for charity. Donations and things.”

    “I see hic Oh, dear.” She sighed, putting a hand to her chest. “I have the hi- hic! hiccups again.”

    “I noticed…” We looked over and there stood Lindsay and her father in the doorway, a slight smirk on the man’s face. He goes over to his wife, pressing himself close to her and putting his arms around her stomach. A deep chuckle erupted from his throat as he kissed her cheek, another muffled hiccup having escaped her.

    “My dad kind of has a hiccup fetish.” Lindsay whispered in my ear as she now stood next to me.

    “Really?” I whispered back. “Lots of people do.”

    “Yeah, and thanks to her pregnancy, she gets them often - much to Dad’s amusement.”

    I smiled. “Cute.”

    “Mark, please. hic You’re em- hmk embarrassing me! hiccup!

    He smiled again as he pulled away, a twinkling in his brown eyes that said ‘We’ll continue this later’ before running his fingers through his sandy brown hair and exiting the kitchen to fetch the newspaper off the front porch.

    Ten minutes before their guests arrived, I pulled into my own driveway, Mark having insisted he ride with me to make sure I got back safe and that he’d just take a bus back. I thanked him and wished him a happy and fun Thanksgiving to which he winked at me before turning and walking away. I watched from the window until he no longer appeared down our street.

    It felt like only moments had passed as I got up to answer the door. Looking through the peephole, I smiled at the familiar faces, before opening it and throwing my arms around my parents in a tight hug. And once settled in and having had a couple of hours rest, we started preparing our feast. We would have a full house of our own in less than three hours.

    **********
    “Pass the pepper, please?”

    Thanksgiving was now in full swing at our house and other than Christmas, you’d wonder how many people could fit in such a small area. Quadruplets of aunts and uncles, a handful of cousins and step-cousins, grandparents, even dogs and cats.

    “So, Becky, how’s school going for you?” Aunt Bess asked me.

    “Have a new boyfriend yet?”

    “Tom!” She gave him a light smack on the shoulder and I couldn’t help but smile.

    “It’s going well. Good grades, good classes and everyone’s really nice – so far. And no, I don’t have a new boyfriend. Don’t want one.”

    For some reason, school and boyfriends were always the biggest hot topic. No matter where you were or what time of year it was.

    “What is it you’re pursuing again? Animal Anatomy?”

    “That’s Animal Biology, Grandpa.”

    “Well, let’s hope if she does get a boyfriend, he’s better than Richard. To think a prince charming could turn back into a toad.” Aunt Carol chimed in.

    “Mommy, I have to go to the bathroom.” Carol’s 6-year-old daughter Jessica quipped.

    “Becky, could you be a dear and take her, please?”

    I nodded and got up, taking her little hand in mine and leading her to the bathroom which was just down the hall.

    “Need any help?”

    “That’s okay, Aunt Becky, I’m a big girl now!” She smiled brightly at me before closing the door. I’d swear she was the miniature version of Snow White; all that was missing was the right dress.

    I heard the toilet flush, then running water. “Got it?”

    “Yeah!”

    The faucet shut off with a squeak and she opened the door. Taking my hand again, I lead us back to the group, mixed conversations and laughter filling both our ears.

    This would be our last family get-together before Christmas. Before our flight to Canada.

    Tomorrow.
    Last edited by krishenry; November 25th, 2012 at 05:06 PM.

  8. #28
    Quote Originally Posted by Cadence View Post
    ^Continuing this via PM.

    Despite not being OP, I thank you for this, Cadence.


    On to you, Kris. Will be focusing on the first chapter here.

    First off, the title. No need for panic or worry, and this isn't even me telling you to change it. This is purely my opinion here, but immediately I thought of A Song of Ice and Fire, which is the series of books that the highly popular television show Game of Thrones is about. Again, keep it if you like it, I was just throwing out my first impression of this.

    To the story. Starting off with the technical things I noticed reading through.

    So here I was...(Located first paragraph)

    'here I am'
    'there I was'
    Either would fix it. The latter being the one that would be consistant with the rest of the opening.


    I looked towards the voice, a slim, bubbly blue-eyed blonde waving her arm to grab my attention.
    A missing comma after 'bubbly,' unless you meant her eyes were bubbly. Revising this sentence could do you good as well.

    ying and yang
    I believe you mean yin and yang. Those are the opposites. But back in the day I heard of some rap group called ying and yang or something of the sorts, so if you meant that, then ignore this. But really, I think you meant yin.

    “That’s for sure.” I agreed, a slight chuckle in my voice.
    Switch the first period with a comma.

    shock myself in the process afterwards.
    Either remove 'in the process' or 'afterwards.' They don't really work well together here, with 'in the process' meaning right now, and 'afterwards' meaning after.

    and a peptalk

    pep talk(two words)


    After placing our orders and given our drinks, we prepared them to our tastes and head back to our booth in silence.
    receiving our drinks. headed.

    midsip
    mid-sip


    “Just don’t get eaten by alligators.” I teased with a smile, tilting my own coffee to my lips.
    Comma after alligators.


    The dialogue in this felt unreal, simply because of the fact that you mentioned that they're best friends. Half of the things they said to each other, especially involving their parents, are things that best friends generally already know about each other. Though depending on how long ago they met, it's not as big of a problem. But as Poprockets said, everything seemed so formal, rather than the informal tone that just regular friends have between each other.

    I understand you said this story will pick up in the next few chapters, but concerning this one, the chapter seems a bit irrelevant. I fear that nothing that happened here will ever have any meaning throughout the story. I feel that you should start a story as late as you can before the action starts. A first chapter with no direction in sight worries me. I feel it could be scrapped altogether, with the actual story starting in the second chapter. I haven't read the second chapter yet, so take that with a grain of salt.

    But I am a firm believer that every chapter in a story should have meaning, and this first one appears to not.

    You are correct, I did have it in present tense to begin with, but she had said to make it past tense that it "made no sense" otherwise. So THAT part I did change, thinking it would be better. She's not the only one to say this. But I can revise it to be present again, if you like, it's no problem
    You can't go changing the tense every time someone wants it to be changed. It's up to you to make your writing the best it can be. Don't take everyone's comments as hard core fact. Really, just be open minded and try things out, but don't let everything the reader tells you define your story. Take it all with a grain of salt. Not everyone's suggestions will make it better. What's good to them may suck to someone else. Can't please everyone. Which leads me to. . .


    I aim to please!

    Don't. But take this very sentence with a grain of salt as well.
    Last edited by Fin; November 25th, 2012 at 02:33 AM.

  9. #29
    Thank you for pointing these out, Fin. Simple typos can be easily overlooked, especially if written in a hurry. But I'll be sure to correct them now

  10. #30
    Errors fixed.

    And regarding the irrelevance and formality, just because they are best friends - a year old, mind you - does not mean common topics are not brought up. Everything will be explained in those chapters. And direction? It's not supposed to have much. It's a cheerful opening introducing a few of the characters. A teaser, if you will. So before you judge, please read the other chapters.

    I understand everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but if I were to jumble it all together there wouldn't be much need for chapters or many at all. And I want to spread this out as long as I can.

    Thanks for your help and review
    Last edited by krishenry; November 25th, 2012 at 03:17 AM.

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