Empress Theresa - what do you do with unlimited power ? - Page 12


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Thread: Empress Theresa - what do you do with unlimited power ?

  1. #111
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    Originally Posted by Cadence
    Moeslow: On what you said - I was browsing the young adult section of my library today for new authors, and it was as if every book I picked up was some sort of rubbish romance, covered in a layer of fantasy or similar brain-rot.

    'What if the one you love is the one who has to betray you?...'

    Carry on while I vomit in the corner.

    ET: At least you're not writing that sort of paff.




    How a romance novelist would write it.
    Steve saw his opportunity. Ginny’s surprise visit to Jack left Theresa vulnerable. He had a chance to get her.
    He knocked on Theresa’s door. “Come in” he heard her say. He entered.
    Theresa was dressed in a string bikini. Her expression showed she had been expecting Jack.
    “Hi, Steve. You wanted to see me?”
    Was she playing words with him?
    He walked closer. “Ginny is Jack’s hometown girlfriend. They have a longtime understanding.”
    “What about you, Steve? You have a girlfriend hidden away?”
    “No. I waited for college to find somebody really special.”
    She avoided commenting on that to look innocent.
    He looked down on her figure. It was the perfect seventeen year old’s body. Breasts recently fully developed and high on the chest. No cellulite collections anywhere. Tightly toned leg muscles from high school phys ed. And that incredible mane of hair that flowed down over curves to tease him with promises.
    He wanted her, and her expression showed she wanted him.


    It’s all about boy lusts for girl who lusts for boy.


    How I wrote it………………..
    I went to the closet and pulled out my ’little black nothing’. It was a backless dress made of flimsy, clingy material. It was already short but the occasion called for making it shorter. Jack deserved the VIP treatment.
    I got a pair of scissors and cut five more inches off the hemline. Off came everything I wore. I put on thong panties but no bra and slipped on the dress. It reached only to my upper thighs. String shoulder straps held the nearly weightless thing up. My back was bare to the rump. Cleavage exposure ranked a venial sin. I looked in the full length mirror on the door. Yup. This was the ultimate killer dress. “Jack, eat your heart out!”
    I waited a few minutes. And sure enough there was a knock on the door. I stood against the counter in front of the window and said, “Come in!“
    Steve Hartley came through the door.
    “Hi, Steve. What‘s up?” Probably not the best choice or words.
    Steve walked close up to me.
    “Ginny is Steve’s old high school girlfriend. They have an understanding. She was supposed to drop in next weekend but she showed up early.”
    So it was all coming to an end anyway! “She go to another college?”
    “No. She’s a waitress.”
    Then she could be a cashier in Jack’s father’s store.
    With that, the happy new couple had absolutely nothing to say. Steve stood there glancing down at my dress. He had a lot more to deal with than
    he’d expected. This awkward moment had to be gotten over or he wouldn‘t be back. The problem was there was nothing to do in my room.
    “Want to go downstairs and hang out with the guys, Steve?”
    “Sure.”
    “Ginny should love this outfit.”
    We went downstairs and when the boys lingering around in the hallway saw us them whooped and hollered in exaggerated manner. They were paying tribute to my appearance and Steve’s triumph.
    “Pay no attention to these animals” Steve joked, but he was clearly pleased.
    More boys came out of there rooms and clustered around us. Talk quickly moved to my high school baseball career. I was conscious that they were all thinking of my body. Well, some girls might not like it, but I did. Let prudes go to the beach and then say I was being slutty.
    Steve and I were perfect for each other. In a month we knew we’d get married. And we wanted to get married soon. Well really, now! Could we go four years without doing it?


    Theresa and Steve are clearly attracted to each, but much more information is given. There’s even a glimpse of dormitory life which will interest high school kids.

    Theresa draws Steve out to join the gang until he gets used to her. So nothing happens that they'll wish didn't.

    In an earlier version I wrote two years ago, both Jack and Steve walk into Theresa's room. This opened the door to many kinds of steamy developments. Remember, these are teenagers out of contact with their parents for the first time. But I decided that wasn't the way to go.
    Last edited by empresstheresa; December 9th, 2012 at 11:29 PM.

  2. #112
    Both versions make me want to vomit, unfortunately. The latter is far too obvious. If you want YA to be interesting and involve any kind of romantic edge, it has to be touched on with more subtle embrace. The way you describe her putting on her dress reminds me why I don't want to do the English Lit A Level at my school.

    Ambiguity breeds emotion, but blatancy breeds contempt.
    Sleep is for the weak, or sleep is for a week.
    -------------------------------------------------------------
    I write about anime and internet culture at Hidden Content

  3. #113
    I can't say I found either version particularly interesting or realistic, also, if you cut the hem off of a dress it looks like terrible until you go back and add a new hem =p

    "It's only falling in love because you hit the ground."- "I Appear Missing", Queens of the Stone Age

    "She lingers beneath the dying moonbeams; glass in hand, struggling to stand, and in her eyes the universe gleams." - Lady of the Moment

    [Hidden Content ] - Always appreciative of a critique.




  4. #114
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    If you want YA to be interesting and involve any kind of romantic edge, it has to be touched on with more subtle embrace.
    Theresa has just been humiliated when her boyfriend's secret girlfriend shows up by surprise. It's over between her and Jack.

    Instead of showing Theresa going to her room and crying her eyes out, I show her getting revenge on Jack. This girl has spunk. She's going to show him what he'll be missing. She's not in a romantic mood.

    But when the door opens, it's not Jack who shows up as promised, but Steve who she knows has had the eye on her. "Mr. Intense" she called him the first time she saw him staring at her in the cafeteria.

    Steve's timing is not the best. It might have been better if he'd waited a few hours. But he's a teenager too and there is no manual for how to behave in these situations.

    Just as Steve seizes his opportunity, so does Theresa immediately seize her opportunity to welcome Steve and drag him down to be with his friends, safe from making an embarrassing move in the "awkward moment." She has taken control of this situation, just as later she will take control of.......er..... everything.

    By now, the reader knows this is not a romance novel. The previous chapter already revealed that something is not right in the White House. A new President is sworn in and in weeks Theresa's only government contact Jan Struthers disappears. Something's up.
    Theresa is not going to forget her worries by dragging Steve into bed. She wouldn't anyway. Her possession of HAL since age ten has conditioned her to think in the long term, not the moment.
    Steve may or may not turn our to be Mr. Right, but until she finds out she's not going to mess things up with any premature romantic moves, which would be faked at this time anyways.

    Thank you for your kind comments, Cadence. I know how fascinated you are with this wonderful novel.
    Last edited by empresstheresa; December 11th, 2012 at 05:06 AM.

  5. #115
    Quote Originally Posted by empresstheresa View Post








    Thank you for your kind comments, Cadence. I know how fascinated you are with this wonderful novel.
    We've already started a secret fan club. Unfortunantly Cadence can't agree that I'M the PRESIDENT, not him, but more importantly, we're all waiting on pins and needles for the rest of the completed text to come out...

  6. #116
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    we're all waiting on pins and needles for the rest of the completed text to come out...


    Thank you! ( I think )

    However,

    I've already advised somebody on this forum, and somebody else on another forum,
    that if you put your novel on the internet free for anybody to read,
    no literary agent or publisher will touch it. You've killed the goose.

    So I'm not going to put much more on if any.

  7. #117
    By now, the reader knows this is not a romance novel. The previous chapter already revealed that something is not right in the White House. A new President is sworn in and in weeks Theresa's only government contact Jan Struthers disappears. Something's up.
    The fact you are embedding a romantic element in your story means you have to be much more subtle to pull it off well. The scene you wrote would make me forget what the story was about, because it captures attention too much and doesn't reward it fully or continue linking to the main plot.

    Take I Am Number Four for example. At one point in the book, our hero reaches a new kind of low. Things have fallen apart somewhat. What does he do? He makes out with Sarah, his girlfriend. Why? Many reasons, all strongly linked to the plot. Lore writes the scene very well, engrossing the reader in what's going on without going to too much of an extreme. Everything prior to the scene has built up his and Sarah's relationship. The scene feels as much a part of the story as any chatper, page or line.

    This:

    It was a backless dress made of flimsy, clingy material. It was already short but the occasion called for making it shorter. Jack deserved the VIP treatment.
    Doesn't fit the mood of what you're going for, in my mind. Too jarring for an idea.
    Sleep is for the weak, or sleep is for a week.
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    I write about anime and internet culture at Hidden Content

  8. #118
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    The fact you are embedding a romantic element in your story means you have to be much more subtle to pull it off well.

    What romantic element? Theresa's relationship with Jack is breaking up, and Steve is the bounce back boyfriend. That's all there is to it.
    In the rest of the book Steve will be completely supportive of Theresa. The intelligent reader can imagine the romantic elements of their relationship without having to see videos of it. By chapter eight the reader already knows Steve and Theresa are absolutely loyal to each other. This will not be a soap opera.


    It was a backless dress made of flimsy, clingy material. It was already short but the occasion called for making it shorter. Jack deserved the VIP treatment.
    Doesn't fit the mood of what you're going for, in my mind. Too jarring for an idea.
    I'm not going for a romantic mood. Theresa has just been humiliated and she's not in a romantic mood. Unless Steve is completely brain dead he'll also know Theresa is not in a romantic mood, but he goes to her room to become her boyfriend. Theresa is in no mood for lovey dovey, but there's Steve and she knows from her research on him in the school's student guide that he is potentially a great boyfriend. So she welcomes him. If she didn't "he wouldn't be back."
    "Jack deserved the VIP treatment" shows something about Theresa. She doesn't wilt and cry when things are going badly. She's a fighter. The reader senses that this will be very important later.


    From the text sample given above..................
    Steve stood there glancing down at my dress. He had a lot more to deal with than he’d expected.
    Amen to that!
    The reader already knows Theresa is infested with HAL. It has been drummed into his head throughout the first two chapters, and something's cooking in the White House.
    Now here's Steve getting involved with Theresa. The poor guy! What is he getting into?
    Last edited by empresstheresa; December 11th, 2012 at 03:26 PM.

  9. #119
    What romantic element? Theresa's relationship with Jack is breaking up, and Steve is the bounce back boyfriend. That's all there is to it.
    Yeah. That romantic element.

    If, as you say, it means little to the plot, then you should tone down the extract you gave.

    I'm not going for a romantic mood.
    It's all over your extract. You may need to make some changes if you don't want any kind of romantic mood in your story. You use a lot of ambiguous statements, all of which are combined with your desription of Theresa putting on her dress to give the wrong sort of impression.
    Sleep is for the weak, or sleep is for a week.
    -------------------------------------------------------------
    I write about anime and internet culture at Hidden Content

  10. #120
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    What romantic element? Theresa's relationship with Jack is breaking up, and Steve is the bounce back boyfriend. That's all there is to it.

    Yeah. That romantic element.

    If, as you say, it means little to the plot, then you should tone down the extract you gave.
    Tone it down! Isn't it toned down enough already?
    Steve and Theresa might as well be out on the street as far as that goes. They don't do anything. In this scene they don't even shake hands.

    I had to write some kind of scene wherein they meet, or else later if I wrote "Steve flew to London to join his wife"
    the reader would say: "Wait a minute! Who the hell is this Steve? Where did he come from? Is Theresa a mail order bride or something?"

    That Steve and Theresa are in love is taken for granted in the rest of the book. Explaining how they got that way would take up a hundred pages. I didn't want to take the time.
    If the reader knows anything about human nature, he can fill in the blanks himself.

    If, as you say, it means little to the plot
    Why do people say somebody else said something they didn't say?
    This kind of behavior is incomprehensible to me.
    Last edited by empresstheresa; December 11th, 2012 at 06:26 PM.

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