"Dwellers in the Dark" - Page 2


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Thread: "Dwellers in the Dark"

  1. #11
    Decide quickly, because it's been nominated for Motley Press as is.
    "I don't know ... I'm making it up as I go ..." - Dr I Jones

    Nature abhors perfection - cats abhor a vacuum!

    "Faith can move mountains - she's a big girl!" (unknown/graffiti)

    If I act like I own the place, it's because I did.





  2. #12
    WF Veteran FleshEater's Avatar
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    Really? That's awesome haha! If it's placed in Motley does that mean I can't change it?
    “Put a gun to my head and paint the wall with my brains.”
    ― Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club
    “Remember: when people tell you something’s wrong or doesn’t work, they are almost always right. When they tell you exactly what’s wrong and how to fix it, they are almost always wrong.” —Neil Gaiman

  3. #13
    No. All authors and artists retain the copyright to their works. If the original version is published in Motley Press, you still retain all rights to alter or revise it as you see fit. Revised versions of previously published works turn up often enough, especially in fiction.

    What I meant is if you want the revised version to be the one published in the coming issue, you have a very limited window of opportunity to make those revisions. Motley Press Issue Nine is due out sometime in October. Of course, there's no reason it couldn't be published in Issue Ten (November) instead, and that gives you more time.

    ETA: of course, if the revisions screw up the story, your chances fall.
    "I don't know ... I'm making it up as I go ..." - Dr I Jones

    Nature abhors perfection - cats abhor a vacuum!

    "Faith can move mountains - she's a big girl!" (unknown/graffiti)

    If I act like I own the place, it's because I did.





  4. #14
    WF Veteran FleshEater's Avatar
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    Yeah I can't work under that kind of pressure haha! I'll revise it when the inspiration is overwhelming.

    Thanks Cran!
    “Put a gun to my head and paint the wall with my brains.”
    ― Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club
    “Remember: when people tell you something’s wrong or doesn’t work, they are almost always right. When they tell you exactly what’s wrong and how to fix it, they are almost always wrong.” —Neil Gaiman

  5. #15
    I loved it, I am a hardcore H.P. Lovecraft fan. I realized after seeing the title and reading the first sentence, that you pull much of you inspiration from him and that you are a fan as well. I must say, it was beautiful read and is well deserving of the nominated for Motley Press. I am looking forward to your next story, and I believe that your work is a great add on to Gothic horror.

  6. #16
    WF Veteran FleshEater's Avatar
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    Thank you! This is still probably my favorite story I've wrote thus far. It has its drawbacks but it is Horror...I think you can get away with a certain degree of nonsense haha!
    “Put a gun to my head and paint the wall with my brains.”
    ― Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club
    “Remember: when people tell you something’s wrong or doesn’t work, they are almost always right. When they tell you exactly what’s wrong and how to fix it, they are almost always wrong.” —Neil Gaiman

  7. #17
    I spent a good hour poring over this story and giving you a solid critique, but when I tried to post it I apparently had been timed out and lost everything. Since I don't have another hour to rewrite it, I'll give you a condensed version and let you work from there.

    You use semi-colons too often and in inappropriate places where either a comma or a new sentence would be preferable. I too am a fan of the semi-colon but not if it is misused. I had given examples of every time you had erred but I trust that if you were to spend some time editing you could find some of them on your own.
    Lain should be lay.
    There are several areas of text that read awkwardly, it hurts your pace.
    If the narrator lost so much blood that his sheets and clothes were drenched, I have serious doubts as to his ability to live for several days after the fact.
    In the end, the narrator seems certain that the cabin is the only entrance to our world, and that by putting lights near the exits he can prevent the dwellers escape. What prevented their departure on the previous nights, and what will prevent it on any night after he has given up? Why does he not simply light a fire near each entrance and sleep outside?
    I think you might get a better and more tense ending if you go with your idea of him scribbling the note as the candles die.
    I hope you take this criticism as constructive. I, like the other posters in this thread, enjoyed the story, but I feel that it needs revision in some areas and I know that there are some grammatical errors that need fixing. We come to this forum for criticism so that we may improve; I offer you mine in the hope that you will return the favor at a later time.

    Ben

  8. #18
    WF Veteran FleshEater's Avatar
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    Yes this story has many shortcomings (I thought more peoplemwould consider the irrationality as madness) and semi colon abuse. I was (I believe) the third story I've really wrote. I need to go back and spice it up and fix it...just haven't had time.
    “Put a gun to my head and paint the wall with my brains.”
    ― Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club
    “Remember: when people tell you something’s wrong or doesn’t work, they are almost always right. When they tell you exactly what’s wrong and how to fix it, they are almost always wrong.” —Neil Gaiman

  9. #19
    Don't panic too much about it; you'll see that some things were addressed in the edit for publication.
    Not the blood drenching, though; it fits the madness and the Season (Halloween).
    "I don't know ... I'm making it up as I go ..." - Dr I Jones

    Nature abhors perfection - cats abhor a vacuum!

    "Faith can move mountains - she's a big girl!" (unknown/graffiti)

    If I act like I own the place, it's because I did.





  10. #20
    I spent a good hour poring over this story and giving you a solid critique, but when I tried to post it I apparently had been timed out and lost everything.
    I tend to copy and paste into word if I am doing more than a quick comment, the only problem is losing aspects of the formatting when I bring it back, I tend to use paragraphs to differentiate because of that.
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