Even When


Results 1 to 8 of 8

Thread: Even When

  1. #1
    Member Justinian's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2012
    Location
    Washington
    Posts
    66
    Blog Entries
    1

    Even When

    This is a song wrote recently. Scrutinizing critique appreciated!



    Even when the dangers come
    And the floodgates are let loose
    Even when the heart is stunned
    And all our love is used
    We know that the night will end
    And that our hearts will mend

    Even when our lives are blown
    And the cage has been locked
    Even when the weaknesses are shown
    And our defenses have been unlocked
    We know that still there is a way
    And that we will get to see the day.

    Even when there is a hole
    And our hopes are turned to stone
    Even when our dreams are dulled
    And the lives of all have been undone
    We know that our hopes will be filled
    And that our dreams will be distilled.

    We know that the night will end
    And that our hearts will mend
    We know that there still is a way
    And that we will get to see the day
    We know that our hopes will be filled
    And that our dreams will be distilled.
    We know
    That soon the end will come
    And that our worries will be undone.

  2. #2
    The Black Goat Nemesis's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Location
    A Dead Chatroom
    Posts
    2,071
    Blog Entries
    10
    Some suggestions:

    1. Even when the dangerís come
    And the floodgates are let loose
    Even when the heart is stunned
    And all our love is used
    We know that the night will end
    And that our hearts will mend (weak ending, and you used heart a second time in the same verse)

    Even when our lives are blown
    And the cage has been locked
    Even when the weaknesses are shown (even when our weakness is shown)
    And our defenses have been unlocked (you are rhyming a word against itself, locked/unlocked)
    We know that still there is a way
    And that we will get to see the day. (not a strong ending)

    Even when there is a hole
    And our hopes are turned to stone
    Even when our dreams are dulled
    And the lives of all have been undone (and our lives have been undone)
    We know that our hopes will be filled (maybe fulfilled instead)
    And that our dreams will be distilled.
    (doesnít make much sense, forced rhyme)

    We know that the night will end
    And that our hearts will mend (sounds better here)
    We know that there still is a way
    And that we will get to see the day
    We know that our hopes will be filled
    And that our dreams will be distilled.
    We know
    That soon the end will come
    And that our worries will be undone. (Not fond of this last verse)


    It reads more like a poem than a song, does it have a melody?






  3. #3
    Member Justinian's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2012
    Location
    Washington
    Posts
    66
    Blog Entries
    1
    It's for my friends band They're the ones that make the melody

  4. #4
    The Black Goat Nemesis's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Location
    A Dead Chatroom
    Posts
    2,071
    Blog Entries
    10
    That has to be hard, fitting a melody around the words =P The melody comes before or with the lyrics for me, so it's hard for me to imagine trying. I've got to say, the lyrics as they are will make it hard unless they do alot of cutting and adding.






  5. #5
    Member Justinian's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2012
    Location
    Washington
    Posts
    66
    Blog Entries
    1
    I just make the base of the song, they edit it to fit melody

  6. #6
    The Black Goat Nemesis's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Location
    A Dead Chatroom
    Posts
    2,071
    Blog Entries
    10
    Gotcha






  7. #7
    Quote Originally Posted by Justinian View Post
    Even when the dangers come
    And the floodgates are let loose
    Even when the heart is stunned
    And all our love is used
    We know that the night will end
    And that our hearts will mend
    A few rants and raves here. First, the word "floodgates" is one syllable too many for me. Perhaps seek another word for it? Or, what if you delete "the" and place "horrors"? I chose the word since you have a lot of "h" sounds in this stanza and the one in "horrors" could prove useful in adding more fluidity to the stanza.

    I love that second pair of lines, and how it parallels with the first.

    I have to agree with Nox on the last line, tough. The rhyme was forced, coerced, even.

    Even when our dreams are dulled
    And the lives of all have been undone
    Nice alliterations and soft rhymes, here.

    Overall, the basics are there, but there is certainly room for improvement.
    Hidden Content
    GOD DOESN'T MAKE THE WORLD THIS WAY... WE DO. - RORSCHACH, WATCHMEN

  8. #8
    Member MacDub's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2012
    Location
    Pacific Northwest, USA
    Posts
    84
    My advice is to give lyrics syllabalic sense. This helps all members involved in the music.
    The syllabalic counts in the original post are very disjointed. This is just a technical critique, saying nothing of the content.
    (also you have six lines in each block. Maybe the last two breaths could be instrumental between blocks, or spaced inside.)

    you have:
    7 : 7 : 7: 6 : 7 : 6
    followed by
    7: 6 : 9 : 9 : 8 : 9
    (syllable counts)

    My advice is to tame your syllables, because it must have pattern and timing.

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  
This website uses cookies
We use cookies to store session information to facilitate remembering your login information, to allow you to save website preferences, to personalise content and ads, to provide social media features and to analyse our traffic. We also share information about your use of our site with our social media, advertising and analytics partners.