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Thread: Nanzagoth (Short Story)

  1. #11
    Quote Originally Posted by Artanyis View Post
    A hyphen is used to show a nonstandard conjunction of words, or often direct concepts, like las-gun, short for laser gun. Here this is not the case, here you are not conjoining 'earth' and 'creatures'. That should simply be a comma or at most a semicolon if you want it to be two complete thoughts. If you placed one further down you could use it as a segmental standard to show a hastily inserted thought or action.
    A hyphen - or dash, I guess it's more properly called - can also be used to denote a list, replace parentheses, or sometimes to replace a colon. It is not solely used to hyphenate words. In most word processors, it parses into a double-dash automatically.
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    Please feel free to tear them to shreds in your spare time.

  2. #12
    WF Veteran FleshEater's Avatar
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    Yes, the hyphenation that JackKnife offered I notice being used in that manner in older writings. Even Lovecraft used the hypen to denote a phrase as a side thought. Poe uses that tactic relentlessly!

  3. #13
    I don't know if your after people to pull your work apart or looking for people tell you your good but I have to say that within the first two sentences I found myself being dragged into a good story. I have quite a few prologues written myself and must admit that I find it hard to get past chapter two!

    If your story continues the way you have set it out then apart from the nit picking of grammar you really needn't worry. Your writing is easily read and the sentences flow naturally. I liked it

  4. #14
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    Thanks Tiberius Baltar! I wouldn't say I'm looking for compliments or my work to be pulled apart, but rather honest opinions and critiques that take into consideration the style.

    The rest of the story is what I'm trying to "perfect"; it's got a solid foundation I believe but working out the bugs is a bit tiring. Since I changed this from a "suicide note" to a "re-telling" it has become much easier to elaborate on this story.

  5. #15
    Well keep up the good work! I enjoyed to brief intro and I hope you get it finished because there is nothing more infuriating than having a good story just dwindle away from you. Best of luck!

  6. #16
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    I was quite drawn into the story too. Aside from the small punctuation issues mentioned, you have something good there. Well done and I look forward to reading more.

  7. #17
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    Update...

    I'm posting a draft of the first part of my Nanzagoth story. The ending of this first part still has some "bugs" to be worked out in it and in that process of endless editing it may change slightly. However, I was hoping to get some more feedback on my progress to see if I'm heading in the right direction. You guys really helped out in the first 2 paragraphs so I'll definitely be looking forward to the comments concerning a greater body of the work. First two paragraphs will be included in this post so that the entirety of the story maybe read in one post.

    Please let me know what you think of this story thus far. I feel as if the last 2-4 paragraphs could use some work; let me know if you feel the same.

    Thanks! Enjoy!

    Nanzagoth”
    By Matthew A. Campbell
    I have concluded that mankind is nothing more than a minuscule speck, insignificant in its existence within a vast, endless universe. The common belief of a celestial realm, posing itself in a life hereafter, seems no longer plausible after what I have witnessed. I fear our species shall soon be acquainted with the same hopelessness which now afflicts my very being. We’re not alone; I know this now. There are far more superior life forms hiding themselves amongst the stars and the planets. They’re unworldly creatures that walk among us, hidden, disguised in human flesh and blood.

    The information contained herein shall reveal the unearthly things, which now dwell upon this earth, which are so hideous and malicious in their intent that I dare not speak of them. I have thus far, remained silent about those unworldly anomalies which I had discovered within the wooded mountains of the north. Now, it seems, I have been driven nearly insane by my refusal to communicate the horrors which beseeched me on my travels. I imagine, once my silence is broken, that I shall be committed indefinitely. I alone have knowledge of these things, and the solitary confinement of that knowledge has tormented me endlessly. Persecution shall be welcomed with sheer alacrity if it means the resolution of this unrelenting burden.

    My search of literary inspiration is what led me to the small village of Carthage. I intended to spend the remaining months of the year, confined to the desolate solitude of the vast, northern most regions of the Appalachian Mountains. I believed that residing in utter seclusion would offer the appropriate peace and tranquility needed to finish my work. This small village would be the last sign of humanity before I ventured into the far reaches of the uninhabited wilderness. I had planned to spend only a few days in Carthage; in search of a place of rest and to replenish diminished supplies. However, I knew not of the impending doom, nor of the deadly confinement awaiting me in that damnable place.


    The Village

    I had traveled many miles through the treacherous Appalachia terrain before reaching the crest of the White Mountains. As I stood atop the colossal mass of earth, I could vaguely discern the minute existence of humanity residing below, nestled deeply within. A faint mist presided over the vale, draping all that lain beneath it in a dreary, uncanny haze. The vast range of surrounding prodigious earth, casted its shadow over the entirety of the valley, seemingly hiding the village of Carthage amidst a sea of darkness. The view beset before me, entranced my mind in fantastic wonders, seducing in its greatness; enticing the imaginative artistry of a macabre god.

    I saturated my lungs in the wonders of that atmosphere, inhaling a zephyr of cool September air, which rushed over my face as I rode my horse along the mountain trail. The scent of autumn trailed carelessly behind, its notable aroma enthralled and permeated my senses. The mountainous foliage bathed the landscape in waves of beautiful, flourishing greenery, which flowed exuberantly with life and vitality. Nothing of the forthcoming cold weather could be hinted in the slightest amongst this celestial portrayal of scenery. It was utterly magnificent, a spectacle to behold.

    Though the beauty of this seeming perfection in nature nourished the senses; there was an eerie tinge of insidious serenity, which encapsulated me as I looked upon the wooded land. There was something brooding within this natural elegance. A peculiar sense of stillness seemed to haunt these mountains. The wild life appeared devoid, as if it had retired to hibernation, or that it altogether ceased to exist. I much expected the forests to clamor wildly in harmonious song, but instead received only silence from the mountains vacancy. The mere sound of my horse, breaking branches and disturbing the earth, resounded like a death rattle amongst the emptiness as I made my descent.


    As I traversed further down the steep, harsh mountainside, I noticed the air growing heavier, dampening my clothes as droplets of dew formed about the brim of my fedora. The mountain floor was shrouded in a dense, murky fog, which relinquished to the eye only a faint silhouette of outlined cottages. At the very sight of this nearing destination, an unrelenting and wild aggression was incited within my horse. The beast reared back violently, nearly knocking me to the ground. Such a display of animosity induced an unnerving feeling within my very being. I should have heeded the warning which the animal so vehemently delivered, but instead I cursed at his unruliness as I battled his stubbornness. After what had seemed many minutes, I had regained control of the steed. However, I do not believe the animal trusted my guidance nor even obeyed my strict words; instead I fear that something much more powerful, something sinister, had commanded his will.


    The village lain less than a mile from the base of the mountain. Though the looming fog, which cast a dim hue of grey over the village, had made it appear much further. The bottom of this mountainous vale was wholly different from that of the high peaks above. That wonderful, though silent landscape, which had first impressed my senses was absolutely devoid in this lower region. There was no flourishing greenery, no life or vitality; there was nothing, but barren earth. It was a portrait which mimicked death and depravity in a jesting manner; the artistry of a truly decadent, fallen god.


    A shrill shiver crept down my spine as I made my way along the pathway to the village. The trail led me to an immense tunnel of grotesquely twisted trees, whose bare branches intertwined together in menacing gestures. These were the bane of life amongst the earth beneath, as the dense cloud of limbs omitted all light, giving way only to darkness. Never before had I seen such a display of morbidity within the natural realm. Lying on either side was a waterway acting as a barbaric moat. This was the only way, the corridor into the unknown; into the seeming apparition of life, into the abysmal fog.


    This horrific display of decrepitude had unsettled me greatly. My horse, however, seemed eerily complacent, as if he previously had not been stricken with sheer terror from the very sight of this hellish place. As I entered the tunnel, all that could be heard was the pounding of my pulse within my head, and the heavy breathing of the steed beneath me. The silence that filled this dark, dank channel, created a chilling, ghostly emptiness. The opposing side of the passage gave way to a hole of sullenly illuminated mist, which grew larger as the seconds passed. Still, the ride through the odd tunnel of hideous growth, seemed to last an eternity.


    The nightmarish realm opened to the entrance of the village. Peering through that damned, omnipresent fog, the dilapidated cottages and the vileness within the streets could vaguely be seen. The village seemingly modeled a long lost civilization of ruin, appearing as if it had been abandoned for decades.


    My horse’s hooves clapped and echoed through the hollow, empty, stone streets as I slowly made my way forward. The further I traversed within, the more pronounced the details of the ruin became. The windows and doors of many dwellings had been destroyed, or all together left open. Fences that had previously held livestock were rendered useless, their gates hung freely in the still air. Bridles hung vacant from the wooden posts which had once secured the animals that had worn them. The village was completely deserted, abandoned by any and all things living. That same haunting stillness, which plagued the surrounding mountains, now lingered amidst this empty, desolate place.


    An unearthly, grayish slime, which littered the cottages with its filth, became ever more apparent as I traveled deeper into the dismal ruin. It had been strewn about the streets and dwellings in a manner characteristically associated with the webbing of arachnids. The thick, black webbing hung freely, like grotesque tinsel, decorating the town in a horrific fashion. The excrement appeared to possess an oily, smooth texture to it and emitted a fetid, rotten odor. I had never seen nor read of anything like it before. Whatever creature this atrocity was born, it was surely not of this world. This thing had apparently wiped out the inhabitants of this valley, and would soon find more civilizations to prey upon. Monstrosities such as this existed only in the realm of fiction; though there I stood, gazing upon the fictional beasts creation.


    I stared aimlessly into the desolate world, hopelessly lost in the damnation, which formed itself in ways man had never seen. The evidence of mankind's future, sprawled itself across the mountain vale before me, it was unfathomable but absolute.
    Last edited by FleshEater; September 19th, 2012 at 04:18 AM.

  8. #18
    You know, I dig a good narrative. I honestly can't wait for this to be completed because you definitely managed to grab my attention. Hope to see more soon.

  9. #19
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    Re-reading it this morning I realized the redundancy of the fog...I need to delete some lines mentioning it haha!

  10. #20
    The Village

    I had traveled many miles through the treacherous Appalachia terrain before reaching the crest of the White Mountains. As I stood atop the colossal mass of earth, I could vaguely discern the minute existence of humanity residing below,nestled deeply within.A faint mist presided over the vale, draping all that lain beneath it in a dreary, uncanny haze. The vast range of surrounding prodigious earth,casted its shadowover the entirety of the valley, seemingly hiding the village of Carthage amidst a sea of darkness. The view beset before me, entranced my mind in fantastic wonders, seducing in its greatness; enticing the imaginative artistry of a macabre god.


    These are just two little things I felt needed looking at. The "nestled deeply within" doesn't seem to read right to me, I don't know why but I feel there should be another word or words to finish this off? For example; "nestled deeply within the folding arms of the mountain" or something of the sort."casted" it's shadow doesn't sound right either, I think it should be "cast" I don't think "casted" should be before "shadow" something to do with past and present tense but I'm pretty sure it needs changing.

    God I hate not being able to articulate my ideas with actual real technical terms!!


    Mike.


    Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self.Hidden Content
    (1903 - 1974)

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