Payback - Page 4


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Thread: Payback

  1. #31
    what can i say that hasn't been said by the other critics? not much, It appears to be a pretty straight forward revenge story. to improve with story archs/twists watch "The Limey" or "Taken" or even the korean versions "The Man From Nowhere" or the god teir revenge flick "Oldboy" heh, now THAT's a story! but I digress, you need a little more than just your run of the mill "haggard old man with dark past on rampage" to keep my attention. I already have a "Frank" that is emotionally wrecked and his body count that is on par with the crusaders, "Frank Castle" aka "The Punisher" the MAX comics version is just, WOW. read "The Slavers" story arch it deals with the sex slave industry very gritty shizz my nizz. anywho the story itself was well written, solid structure, flowed well, could see what you wrote and understood what was inferred. keep writing!

  2. #32
    It's funny that Lucifer mentions "The Limey". That's precisely what I was think when I finished reading. Story flowed well. Imagery was pretty good. Needs more detail, though, IMO.

  3. #33
    Thanks for your comments guys and taking the time to read my submission.
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  4. #34
    When her voice rebounded off the walls, I kept getting an image of Kobe Bryant taking a rebound off the back board. The sentence just didn't work for me. Overall, I believe the piece just needed some adjustments as others have commented, otherwise a good read.

  5. #35
    You didn't give me any detail or anything that made the characters appeal to me. That's my criticism. Basically, the term 2D applies to characters that lack depth. I saw names, "Jack did this"...."Kyle did that"...., and while the plot is not that bad, the characters just didn't stick. I hope this helps. This is one thing that I'm definitely working to achieve.

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