Payback - Page 3


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Thread: Payback

  1. #21
    Hey, I'm no professional writing critic but from what I can see this is really good.

  2. #22
    Hi Gordyman

    Thanks for your positive feedback. I'm about halfway through the novel now and know there'll be a lot of editing to do. Trying not to think about that right now.

    Regards
    Boddaert
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  3. #23
    i got stuck on the cover, sorry man. here just toyed with it. its yours Click image for larger version. 

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    Last edited by stellar; September 28th, 2012 at 07:29 AM.

  4. #24
    Member Tonythetiger's Avatar
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    I think everything has been civered except the second line. Should that say bold statement instead of bald?

  5. #25
    Hi Stellar

    Thank you so much for toying with my cover. Any improvement is much appreciated.

    Regards
    Boddaert
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  6. #26
    Hi Tony

    Bald can also mean "with no attempt to conceal" and this is the feeling I was trying to convey. But thanks for taking the time to read my work.

    Regards
    Boddaert
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  7. #27
    I think you've got something going here. Good stuff and a good direction. But, I think you have a love of purple prose and I'd like to steer you away from that. Also, I'm thinking the pacing of this story is meant to be fast and fun, but the very beginning where he receives the news that dawn is dead, you spend 241 words telling us his reaction. I think in this case (and if my assumption for the pacing is correct), brevity will be your friend.
    Because I came into this one late, I can't add much more then what the others have already pointed out. Keep up the good work and post more for us

  8. #28
    Hi Squidtender (such imaginative names on this forum )

    Thanks for your interesting comments. I'll certainly take them on board during the editing phase.

    Regards
    Boddaert
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  9. #29
    Liked the way you have done character sketching.. would love to read more..just take care of the typos.

  10. #30
    Okay Boddaert,

    This is going to sound creepy but we really write a lot alike, really. I suggest you web search "Brilliance" by Kelson Hargis and you will see. What else creeps me out is we both have very similar spacing. I like the flow of Payback a lot. But I have been chided by eZine editors for the same thing. I adjusted all of my paragraphs, consolidating them. The only constructive feedback, I can offer is, I have to be honest and say, you should pick up the pace in the second half. Do something shocking or surprising. The story starts so well that as a reader, I expect more. I hope that makes sense.

    Stay in touch & I'll keep reading.

    Sincerely,

    Kelson

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