911 - Should I continue this Script? (warning: minor language)


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Thread: 911 - Should I continue this Script? (warning: minor language)

  1. #1

    Talking Matt - Should I improve this Script? (warning: minor language)

    Now, when you first read this, you'll think to yourself "This is not Original" but bare with me, I have a good Story in mind and have a whole back-story to it, but this is simply just the opening, I tried to dive straight in to the action. I hope you enjoy, do you think I should continue and see where this leads?

    Feel free to give me any suggestions on changes, dialogue improvement, etc. I'll definitely take them in mind. I'm also doing this to improve my dialogue as this is going to be mainly dialogue driven.

    ------------------------

    Matt (2012)

    INT - Convenience Store - NIGHT
    There is a young employee at the counter, in his Mid twenties, he has brown short hair. He also has a very mysterious look about him. On his tag, can be seen the name Matt. A customer approaches the counter.

    CUSTOMER: Hello, I'd like to put in a complaint please.
    MATT: What about?
    CUSTOMER: I purchased this Camera from you guys yesterday and as soon as I got home, it wouldn't work, I've tried everything to make it work.
    MATT: Have you made sure the Camera is charged up?
    CUSTOMER: Yes, I left it for a couple of hours yesterday to gain some battery life, but it still would not work.
    MATT: Okay, here is our contact details. The manager is off today, but I'll take this in and we'll have a look and give you a refund as soon as possible.
    CUSTOMER: I'm sick of this place, I'm not coming here again, all you get is faulty goods from here.
    MATT: Sir, there is only so much I can do, sorry.
    CUSTOMER: Jerk.

    The customer walks off and Matt sighs as he sits back in the chair, the phone rings. We hear breathing on the other line.

    MATT: Hello? Is anyone there? I can hear you breathing..sick of these prank-callers.

    Matt hangs up the phone, only for it to ring again.

    MATT: WHAT?

    The Manager can be heard on the other line.

    MANAGER (On Phone): Are you okay Matt?
    MATT: Sorry Sir, I thought you were someone else.
    MANAGER (On Phone): Clearly. Anything important today?
    MATT: No not really, Oh, a Customer just came in complaining about a Camera.
    MANAGER (On Phone): Most of them Camera's are broken Matt, but we haven't been able to get hold of any new stock, you know the problems going on at the moment.
    MATT: I know, I gave him the contact details and sent him away, we really need to sort it out.
    MANAGER (On Phone): Don't you think I know that, I'm working my ass off here trying to sort the all deal out, even whilst I'm ill. Just remember to close up soon okay? Your shift is almost over.
    MATT: Okay, I will.
    MANAGER: And Matt, don't leave the lights on again.
    MATT: I won't.

    Matt hangs up the phone, the store is empty, Matt can be seen checking his watch various times. The phone rings again.

    MATT: Hello?
    MYSTERIOUS CALLER: Hello Matt, what's it like sitting in a store at 11:30pm all alone?
    MATT: What? Who is this?
    MYSTERIOUS CALLER: I'm just calling to discuss the job opportunities you have available at the store.
    MATT: There is nothing I can do about that, you will need to call tomorrow Morning when the Manager is here..wait, how did you know my name?
    MYSTERIOUS CALLER: Well, I'm reading your tag.
    MATT: What are you talking about, there is no-one in the Store.
    MYSTERIOUS CALLER: Oh, Matt, have you really been paying attention to anyone who has entered the Store? There could be someone stealing some electronics right now and you wouldn't even realise.

    Suddenly Matt notices a man attempting to steal something from the store, he chases for him.

    MATT: HEY! COME BACK HERE WITH THAT.

    The man escapes the store.

    MATT: Damn.

    Matt goes back to the desk and the Mysterious Caller is still on the line.

    MYSTERIOUS CALLER: I told you.
    MATT: Look, if this is some asshole playing a prank, I've had enough with this and I'll call the Police, I've done it before, I'll do it again. Anyway, I need to report a robbery anyway, so I'm hanging up.

    Matt goes to call the Police only for the for the phone to ring quickly again.

    MYSTERIOUS CALLER: That wasn't exactly the wisest move you've ever made was it?
    MATT: Will you quit calling here? I'm sick of it.
    MYSTERIOUS CALLER: Don't even bother hanging up that phone, Matt. I'm watching you, you can feel me here can't you, you ever wondered if there was someone else here even though you felt alone?
    MATT: I've had enough of this.
    MYSTERIOUS CALLER: DO YOU WANT YOUR WIFE TO DIE? IS THAT IT MATT?

    Matt remains froze.

    MYSTERIOUS CALLER (Con't): That's better, now look around the Store, can you see me? You can't can you? But I can see you Matt, I've been watching you for several weeks now, following your every move, I wonder if your wife knows about Danielle Matt?
    MATT: I've got no idea what you're talking about, you sick asshole.
    MYSTERIOUS CALLER: Oh really, so you didn't go in to a hotel last Monday and have sex with a girl you had met the previous day? Did you not Matt, because you seem pretty quiet too me.
    MATT: Look, it was a mistake, we both got drunk, we're just friends.
    MYSTERIOUS CALLER: How cliche Matt, "We got drunk" can you sound any more stupid? You looked pretty sober to me, so have you told her yet Matt?
    MATT: I don't know who you think you are, or what you think happened, but nothing happened in that room, nothing. We're just friends.
    MYSTERIOUS CALLER: How stupid of you Matt, you only just said not long ago "It was a Mistake. We both got drunk" you seem to have short term memory loss Matt?
    MATT: Look, I'm not happy about what I did, I have Children, I have a wife, Its hard to tell the truth, you would be the same if it happened to you.
    MYSTERIOUS CALLER: I'm quite aware of your Wife and Children Matt and I wouldn't do the same, I know my limits, unlike you.
    MATT: I'm done with this, I'm hanging up.

    Matt hangs up and inspects the store. He can't find anything, he looks Outside through the windows and can't see anything suspicious, he goes back to the desk and notices it's time to lock up, he grabs the keys and his coat, only for the phone to ring again, he ignores it and walks towards the Entrance.

    Suddenly, a brick comes through the window of the Entrance doors, Matt steps back and notices a note attached. The note reads:

    "You leave this store and I'll make sure your wife and Children are killed right now. Go ahead Matt and play with fate as always, or stay in the store and do something right for once."

    Matt angrily kicks a shelf and stands frozen in anger..

    TO BE CONTINUED.
    Last edited by BrandonTheWriter; August 17th, 2012 at 03:37 PM.

  2. #2
    Also, should I keep the title as 911, or should I change it to one of these?

    Matt
    The Store

    Are some other ideas I have, but if you have any good title suggestions, pitch them too me if you want, but I do quite like 911 and I have some sort of reasoning for the title!

  3. #3
    Three things, very quick and succinct:

    1) The correct question is never "should I continue?" but instead "how can I improve?"
    2) Do not use 911 as a name. Literally right until I typed it just then, I thought you were somehow linking this to the September Eleventh attacks. You may want to avoid that.
    3) Have you watched the opening scene of Scream?

  4. #4
    Quote Originally Posted by Staff Deployment View Post
    Three things, very quick and succinct:

    1) The correct question is never "should I continue?" but instead "how can I improve?"
    2) Do not use 911 as a name. Literally right until I typed it just then, I thought you were somehow linking this to the September Eleventh attacks. You may want to avoid that.
    3) Have you watched the opening scene of Scream?
    All valid points.

    1] Yes you're right, I am looking for pointers to improve.
    2] Good point, I will rename it.
    3] Yes, that is where the Inspiration came, but that's where the Originality comes in, most of this is going to take place in one location and I have a whole back story in mind and a good story, Its just bringing it across in the Script. I may scrap this idea, but I may continue it for a while and see if it leads to something good.

    Thanks for replying!

  5. #5
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    I like this, the suspense is great... as mentioned, this is definitely like the opening scene of Scream.

    As for your title questions, I would certainly change it to something with a little more... oomph... a little more... suspense - thus keeping with the rest of the story.

    It kept me reading right towards the end, and I'd love to see more. Good job at keeping me interested and the suspense high.

    PS: There are a few errors with commas and such, but other than that, nothing grammatical.

  6. #6
    Quote Originally Posted by hawky94 View Post
    I like this, the suspense is great... as mentioned, this is definitely like the opening scene of Scream.

    As for your title questions, I would certainly change it to something with a little more... oomph... a little more... suspense - thus keeping with the rest of the story.

    It kept me reading right towards the end, and I'd love to see more. Good job at keeping me interested and the suspense high.

    PS: There are a few errors with commas and such, but other than that, nothing grammatical.
    Thankyou for the kind words, I will certainly correct the errors you mentioned! I'm still thinking of more of a title, I'm going to continue with it and see where it leads, I'll post more as I get it done!

  7. #7
    This dialogue is too wordy. The feeling is lost with too many words. Less is more. Be essenstial and things will seem more intuitive. Break things into beats. Each beat should be and action and reaction pair. Each beat should gradually lead us to the turning point of the scene. Don't let any one beat steal the highest beat when the scene turns (or let it raise the emotions or situation close to that point.)

    The second element with the guy calling in on the phone acting if he has been stalking him threw me off, because I thought it was the guy who was returning the camera. If this is not the same guy, I would take out the first guy returning the camera. You would be wasting time moving to the real story. If it is the guy, I would add some subtext to the return process to foreshadow who he is and what he is doing, dialogue mannerisms, etc.

    If you are trying to set up the the clerk to be frustrated emotionally and the return guy is just a bit part, I would not do it that way. It elevates the emotions in the scene too much dampening the real stuff that is to follow. Instead, I would show him frustrated with the closing the store. Perhaps the till is off by a 100 dollars or he knocks over some stock that he has to clean up, breaks something, etc. That way when the phone rings it the first contact with the enemy. Again, this will only work if the guy returning the camera is only a bit part.

  8. #8
    I agree with alister. Too wordy for the dialogue. You may wanna tighten the screws on that before sending it off to be read. Also, I think the note at the end should be a little different. You could do it so that he takes the note off the brick and sees a picture of his wife and kids tied up and gagged and have the note read "Answer the phone or seal their fate". Something like that. Anyway, I'm really excited to see where this is going.

  9. #9
    An unsettling premise, but I think you jumped into the conflict too quickly. Unless this is a short film, it might be nice to spend at least a few minutes with Matt before he is confronted with menace. The customer complaining about the camera is too much in line with the mysterious caller. Perhaps have Matt annoyed by an inept delivery man, something to show the audience a degree of normalcy before things go wrong. Maybe open with a snippet of unexplained backstory. I understand that you want to get right into things, but beginning with menace in a straightforward narrative like this doesn't give readers a frame of reference for why they should feel uneasy.

    Try reading your dialogue aloud. It sounds a bit wooden: you should use some more contractions. Otherwise, you have a lot of possibility here. Keep going!

  10. #10

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